Run Away
Posted: 05/25/2012 Filed under: miscarriage | Tags: D&C, Heal, miscarriage, Travel, try again 16 Comments »Several months ago Mr. Husband and I booked an anniversary vacation. Tuesday is our second wedding anniversary and, honestly, it’s been a ROUGH two years. This week things got even worse when our first good news in years was yanked away.
I considered canceling the trip. It was only $300 for the hotel but all the food, Pinot Noir, and activity fees would really add up. We should be saving that money to pay for our next FET. If we canceled the trip, though, we would have to stay here and be reminded daily of what we lost. The fridge looks empty without the ultrasound photos on it. The little room upstairs that is waiting for a baby is a miserable reminder that we don’t have to remodel it anytime soon. While the four Large Fries (our four big cats) meow and lay in our laps, they constantly fail to fill the void in our hearts.
We need to get away.
So in a few hours, after I dig out some “fat & bloated” clothes, clean some litter boxes and shower for the first time in days, we’ll head out to Ashville, NC for a long weekend. Neither of us have been to Ashville and we are looking forward to the escape.
Even though we can’t have sexy time thanks to this crappy D&C, we can have snuggling time. We can drink wine till we are silly. We can hike to waterfalls. We can simply be together and hopefully start to heal in preparation to move on, because we will try again. And again. And again until we have a take-home baby. Come hell or high water, Mr. Husband and I will not leave this world with only a pile of cats to serve as heir to my Wal-Mart Corelle dishes, our Ikea furniture and Mr. Husband’s impressive collection of knock-off Harbor Freight tools.
Question for ladies who have had a D&C
Posted: 05/24/2012 Filed under: miscarriage 11 Comments »UPDATE: Our AC just broke. Give me a fucking break, universe! I’m miserably swollen, sad, sore and now I’m hot. Ugh. <done bitching>
UPDATE #2: AC started working again. Thank you universe for having a shred of compassion. Mr. Husband just weighed me. I have gained 8 pounds since 6 a.m. yesterday. Unreal. No wonder I hurt.
So I am bloated something fierce. I didn’t look pregnant before the D&C, but sure do now. My belly, legs, feet, hands, face, EVERYTHING is swollen and sore. Anyone else have this? How long did it last. I feel miserable. I took a gentle four mile walk this afternoon thinking it would help but it seemed to have made it all worse. Any tips?
Post-D&C
Posted: 05/24/2012 Filed under: miscarriage | Tags: D&C, insomnia, miscarriage, no closure 21 Comments »This is going to be fragmented at best. I’m exhausted but cant’ sleep. I envy people who curl up and sleep for 20 hours when something tragic happens. Me? I can stay awake for days. I am afraid it is happening again.
I had my D&C today. Woke up at 5 a.m. to shower and was at the Out Patient Center by 6 a.m. I had the proceedure done at Central Baptist to avoid the hell that is the University hospital. After the blood draw nightmare I will never go there again. I have even changed pharmacies.
Everyone was very kind at CB. I got my IV, talked to all the people and answered all the questions. My two nurses had both been in my shoes before, and one now has a 15 year old. The other did not volunteer if she ever was able to succeed and I didn’t ask. After the questions were answered I was given a drug to “help take the edge off.” This is the last thing I remember. I have no memory of going into surgery, no memory of my husband kissing me goodbye. No memory of Pip leaving me. I don’t remember waking up and my doctor answering my questions. I hardly remember leaving. I came home and somehow 4 hours disappeared from me. Mr. Husband made me pancakes and then? I think I sat on the couch and responded to blog comments. I don’t remember really.
Sometime around 12 my 10 yards of tracing paper came so I started a sewing project. Stopped for lunch at 2 and then sewed till 8 p.m. Had an unsatisifying dinner and then bawled my eyes out because after all of this I feel no closure. I don’t remember anything. I didn’t see the remains of Pip. I don’t have cramps. I’m not bleeding. My vagina hurts a little, but only when I wipe.
My boobs still look pregnant. I’m bloated to hell and back. I still have the bad taste in my mouth that haunted me all during the short pregnancy. I still feel pregnant. And I don’t remember becoming unpregnant. I don’t feel better. I just can’t wrap my brain around everything. I want my baby back. I don’t want to be this statistic. I want a guarantee that I will get my baby. I don’t want a percentage chance that it will happen. I just want to know it WILL happen.
I’m really good at playing tough girl in real life. But now, at 12:30 a.m., after being up nearly 24 hours straight without sleep in sight, I can’t. If I can’t have my baby, please let me sleep.
D&C tomorrow
Posted: 05/22/2012 Filed under: miscarriage | Tags: D&C, mini donuts, miscarriage, Misoprostol 54 Comments »
First, I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support. I promise to respond to you all in the coming days. Right now I’m enjoying an extra-large vegan date bar, a delicious Chicago beer and my sweet husband who dropped everything, rented a car and raced home yesterday morning.
I took another dose of Misoprostol this morning, this time orally because when I went to insert them vaginally I discovered the four from the day before had never dissolved. I took the second dose by mouth at 9:40 a.m. and by 2:30 nothing happened. I checked my cervix and found that it had dilated which FREAKED me out. It felt like a one of those soft little mini donuts that you buy in a 6 pack… in my lady parts! I don’t think I’ll be able to eat a mini donut again for a long, long time. I called my doctor and begged to be worked in tomorrow. He agreed and when I went by to sign consent forms he said never, in all his years practicing, has someone not responded to the drug. Again, I get to be the exception to the rule. This is getting old.
My D&C is scheduled for 6 a.m. tomorrow morning, which I know seems terribly early to most but is actually very agreeable for me. I am an early riser naturally and am happy to have this over and done with well before lunch. I will be having genetic testing done on the remains to help us determine what went wrong. I need as many facts as possible so we can improve next time.
I am a flurry of emotions right now. Sometimes I’m relieved and numb, other times I’m sobbing uncontrollably and others I’m hitting something (like the steering wheel from which I now have a VERY sore arm). I hope once this is out I can move on, reassess and process what happened. In the meantime, I refuse to call this a baby – it was not. It was a clump of cells that failed to get it all together. My Person In Progress lost his directions and was not able to complete assembly.Right now I’m happy with this thought and I’m ready to move on. I reserve the right to change my mind tomorrow, though.
Thank you again for all the love and support. Responses coming in a few days as I sort all this out.
xoxo,
Belle, Mr. Husband and our Four Large Fries
is this a joke?
Posted: 05/22/2012 Filed under: miscarriage 50 Comments »Come on universe, how much more shit can you dump on me? The Misoprostol didn’t work. It is 6 a.m. and I still have a dead baby in me and I am not handling it with grace.
Back up to 9 a.m. yesterday:
After the ultrasound I went home, had my cry and packed up everything pregnancy/IVF related, put it in a box and shoved it the basement. This is how I coped with my sweet cat dying years ago. I still have the box. I still have not opened it. Unhealthy? Probably, but repression is my thing; the color suits me.
After the house was free of all things baby/pregnancy/infertility related, I fixed my makeup and walked out – determined to handle this with poise. I had to go to the hospital run by my university to make sure the lupus panel was covered. I don’t want another fucking bill on top of a dead baby, thank you. Up to the second floor, into the lab, hand my sheet to the intake person who had bleached blond hair and green eye shadow. After a few seconds she bats her tacky green eyes and tells me I have to go to registration and get a wristband. Why? They can do the thousands of dollars of lupus tests, but they need special documentation to do my blood type.
You are fucking kidding me? I stared at her and in my best big girl voice explained that I needed this blood type done stat so I could take the medication to finish this and nodded at the paper. It was then that she looked at my diagnosis and rolled her eyes. She snatched the phone and called someone, somewhere and spent 5 minutes trying to decide how I get a wrist band to have my blood typed. “Go downstairs and register and they will get you a wristband,” she said quickly and handed my form back not making any eye contact.
Downstairs I go, still dry eyes, stoic and a little proud of my ability to handle this so well. I wait in line and finally get called up to window No. 6. “I was at the lab and was instructed to come here to register and get a wrist band so I can have lab work and my blood typed,” I said. No. 6 smacked her gum, snatched my sheet and then told me that she had no idea what I was talking about, I needed to go the lab. I lost it.
I stood up, put my hands on the counter, leaned into her face and hissed that “I have a dead baby inside me and can’t get it out until I have my fucking blood type. I don’t have time for your rudeness or your failure to read the order – miscarriage.” And then No. 6 laughed at me. I guess it is ok to laugh about dead babies but not ok to talk about them. I snatched the paper and stormed to the front desk where I was FINALLY taken care of and treated like a human, not like another cog in the fucked up system that is my health insurance.
Back up to the lab where I waited 45 minutes and watched the room fill and empty three times before they finally got their shit together and called me back. My phlembotomist took one look at my paperwork and said, “Tisk tisk tisk, you did not get your wristband. You need to go downstairs and get this before I can draw your blood.” Cue instant tears. All my dignity and strength just evaporated. Three other women come up, scratch their heads and then finally see a note explaining my situation and authorizing the draw. Their faces soften and I am sat in a chair. The young guy, who either can’t read or never learned compassion, looked at me and laughed, “Come on now! It’s just a little stick! You won’t even feel it.”
“I’m fine with a blood draw. I have had a terrible day,” I said. He continued to chat like nothing was wrong. No one wants to talk about miscarriage.
Because of all of this, I didn’t get to start the medication until 3:45 p.m. when my doctor finally got my blood type and said I was good to go. With a deep breath I put the pills in and then waited. By 10:45 nothing had happened other than some light cramping, like the cramping following a case of the whiskey shits. Two pea-sized clots passed at 11 p.m. and I finally fell asleep, just to wake up every hour to use the bathroom and wonder, “Is this just a dream?”
6 a.m. – no, it’s not a dream. It’s a nightmare and there is still a dead baby inside me. I’m to call my doctor at 8 a.m., hoping and praying they can get me in for a D&C today. I’m avoiding eating and drinking just in case. Please, please just go away so I can forget you, Pip. Repression is such a lovely color on me.
No heartbeat
Posted: 05/21/2012 Filed under: miscarriage 102 Comments »There was no heartbeat. My baby is dead. I am going to get the drugs now to get it out of me and to have blood work done to find out if it was my fucked up body that killed it. I’ll write later.
Small Fry has a home! (and a poll)
Posted: 05/17/2012 Filed under: Infertility, Now for something completely different, Pip | Tags: animal adoption, infertility, Pip, ultrasound and belly photos 13 Comments »
Small Fry’s first meal with his new family!
My blogging break is sort of failing… 
I have been enjoying Small Fry way too much. Tuesday I decided to see if my cat, Yum Yum, would be interested in mothering this kitten. Small Fry had been staying in our sun room, which is attached to the house via a French door in the kitchen. In order to keep my four Large Fries from seeing and harassing Small Fry, I put a heavy piece of wood up over the lower part of the door.
Tuesday night I was giving Yum Yum cuddles* and wandered over to the French door and held her above the wood so she could see this tiny, motherless kitten. Honestly, I don’t know what I expected my grumpy, territorial Maine Coon to do. She took one look at the small kitten and started snorting and growling. She was NOT happy about this intruder!
I knew then that Small Fry could not stay with us, no matter how much I was falling for him. Last night our friends D and M called. They had been going back and forth about adopting Small Fry since reading the initial blog post. D and M have a young cat named Millie and have wanted to find her a friend after their 20-something year old cat passed away.
Happy family.
The timing was perfect for them to bring a new cat into their home, too. D and M both graduated from grad school this month and will be moving in July. In the meantime, neither are working and have all the time in the world to dedicate to helping this little kitten adapt to his new surroundings.
When the phone rang last night and I saw it was M, I knew they were going to adopt Small Fry. My heart was filled with happiness when I answered and she said, “Belle, is Small Fry still without a home? We would really like to adopt him.”
D and M are some of the best pet owners I know. They are attentive and loving. They are responsible and believe that you adopt a pet for the life of the animal – not just until the novelty wears off. They understand the challenges that come with a kitten and are not afraid of them. They also brush Millie’s teeth each night and will start brushing Small Fry’s as soon as he is old enough! If there is such a thing as a match made in heaven, D, M and Small Fry are it!
M and “Tucker.”
This morning I got an email from D saying that they have named Small Fry “Tucker” and already have his first vet appointment set for 10 a.m. today. Millie even caught several glimpses of Tucker last night and did not go crazy with anxiety. I believe Millie and Tucker will be fast friends in no time at all!
******************************
In other news: The spotting has stopped for now. The more I think about it, the more I believe this was caused by pooping too hard. Tuesday morning I had a terribly hard time pooping and spent quite a while trying to, ahem, make something happen and when it did it was rough. That, coupled with my existing bum problems and a growing Pip made for some spotting. I vow to never again force things. All in “doo doo” time, right? I know, that was terrible. Forgive me!
I am also reassured to have actually seen Pip on Tuesday and have an ultrasound photo on my fridge that looks like more than an empty sack with a blob of lint in the corner. That first ultrasound could actually pass for a terribly poor quality photo of the corner of my dining room in the dark – empty with a ball of cat fur by the baseboard.
Today I am 7 weeks. I have decided to take belly photos on Saturday instead of on Thursday. My week day mornings are busy enough between the four Large Fries (I think my cats have a new nickname), my tendency to wake up feeling hung over and the ridiculous amount of time it takes for me to have my “morning constitutional.” Hopefully this Saturday I will get the 7 week photo taken and MAYBE I’ll feel bold enough to share it with you… or maybe I’ll still be chicken!
This leads me to a good question: How do you feel about belly photos and ultrasounds on an infertility blog? Be honest here. Personally, I love belly photos, but I dabble in photography and love all photos. Ultrasounds, however, stress me out. When not pregnant they make me terribly sad or irrationally angry. When pregnant, I compare and obsess like a madwoman. How do you feel about this? I’m including a little poll below and your input is VERY MUCH appreciated as I honestly love all my readers and want to make sure we are all comfy and happy in this space, or as comfy and happy as we can be despite my talking about poo, fissures and pooping so hard I bleed.
*Poll closes Saturday morning!
Update
Posted: 05/15/2012 Filed under: Pip | Tags: 6 weeks, anal fissure, bleeding, pain, ultrasound 35 Comments »I left work at 3 after my meeting and called Mr. Husband. He was furious that Dr. A would not work me in and promptly called the clinic. Within five minutes they called offering to see me immediately. Dr. A was patient and kind, which was much appreciated as I was a wreck. Pip was still there and was measuring 6 weeks 2 days. Yesterday he was 5 weeks 6 days. Dr. A explained that ultrasounds will vary like this. What made him happy was that Pip’s heart beat was a little faster than yesterday’s, just like it should have been. He didn’t see anything wonky that could have caused all the pain and bleeding. I was able to see the heartbeat today.
The pain was something I have not felt in a LONG time – this deep internal pain that took my breath away. It was low and far back and, initially, I thought it was my anal fissure opening up again. Yes, I’m 31 and have a history of anal fissures, no I don’t enjoy butt sex, I’m just lucky. This morning I had a big glob of yellowish mucus with brown specks in it. I have seen things like this come from both my vagina and my bum before. Based on the low, deep pains, I assumed it was bum related.
But then around 10 a.m. I had a red spot that came from my lady parts, not my rump. I continued to monitor the TP, wiping pre pee and post, one wipe in front, one in back, and monitoring what came from where. THis afternoon I went and pre wiped, nothing, then urinated and found blood in the toilet. When I wiped it was in the front and back. I put a new liner in my panties and waited, checked and the blood was 100% front.
Do you see how complicated this is? The only thing worse than infertility is infertility with a history of rectal bleeding. I’m such a delightful woman.
So after confirming the red blood was from the front I melted down and had ugly cry #1. Went to my staff meeting and kept my eyes down till it was over. As I was leaving my boss asked what was wrong and I lost it again. Ugly Cry #2. Headed to get my stuff and was stopped by a concerned coworker – ugly cry #3. I went outside, called Mr. Husband – ugly cry #4.
Dr. A said that 70% of his patients spot, and when you spot you often have cramping. No one understands why IVF pregnancies spot so much more than regular pregnancies. He said if my body is trying to miscarry there is nothing we can do, which I knew. He said to rest this week, don’t lift anything more than 10 pounds (sorry Yum Yum kitty, you are a 12 pounder) and no sex, which is not a problem because my husband is out-of-town… still.
I feel better having seen Pip. I am still scared and will continue to monitor the TP and take it easy. If the big, bad, ass pains continue then I will call Dr. Small Hands, my proctologist who, thankfully, has small hands – a trait I have learned is critical when it comes to butt doctors. I wonder if having a fissure or internal hemorrhoid could put pressure and/or strain and cause bleeding/sporting from both areas? It’s a long stretch, but blaming it on my butt problems makes me feel better.
I am home now, hanging out with Small Fry. I ate an entire chocolate bar, which is sooooo bad for me but I really needed the cheer-up. I’m going to make flatbread pizza for dinner with vegan cheese, fancy olives and artichokes and then I’m going to go to bed early and hope that tomorrow brings better things and no more bleeding and pain.
Thank you for all your prayers and good thoughts. This is an amazing community that makes even the husband-less girl stuck in the middle of Kentucky feel less alone. xoxo
I’ll leave you with this video of Small Fry. I so wish I could keep him, but all my Large Fries object.
I’m the statistic
Posted: 05/15/2012 Filed under: Uncategorized 36 Comments »I’m bleeding. And having stabbing pains. The doctor can’t see me till next Monday.
Signing Off
Posted: 05/15/2012 Filed under: Infertility, Pip 7 Comments »Thank you all for the support yesterday. I read and absorbed every one of your comments and am trying so hard to focus on the fact that even if I could not see it, other people saw a heartbeat. The very depressing site Miscarriageassociation.org.uk says that I have lots of hope:
Research has shown that if you see a heartbeat at 6 weeks of pregnancy, the chances of the pregnancy continuing are 78%.
A heartbeat at 8 weeks increases the chance of a continuing pregnancy to 98% and at 10 weeks that goes up to 99.4%.
I have dug to hell-and-back trying to find science that says if your baby is measuring behind at 6 weeks the chance of miscarriage jumps xx% but I can’t. If you have found it, kindly keep it to yourself – I don’t want to know. I’m going to stick with the 78% statistic which is the best chance of pregnancy I have ever had.
I have been planning to spend the coming weekend in Birmingham with my girlfriends and their families. I miss these friends more than I can convey in a blog post – they have ALWAYS been there to pick me up when I fall. Last night I tried to catch one friend via Skype to cancel; I didn’t want to drive 6 hours just to cry in their houses. This morning my parents left, though, and all that is left are my cats. I think I need some humans. So, assuming the ‘Bama ladies don’t mind a soggy Belle, I think I’m going to make the drive.
I also think I need to step away from blogging for a while. I feel so guilty doing this, but… the more I read about all these exciting BFPs and all these fabulous heartbeats and ultrasounds, the more I worry I am going to be that miscarriage statistic. I hate to write this, but we all know it, there have been to many positives. Statistically, someone will lose. Right now, it is taking every ounce of my being not to collapse under the weight of “It might be me.”
Until my next post, if you are interested in adopting sweet Small Fry, let me know. Otherwise, I’ll post again after the next ultrasound.
Signing off,
Belle
