I have been considering closing up shop here at Scrambled Eggs. I feel like my purpose is no longer cut-and-dry and that I am floundering as a writer. Additionally, it is hard to find the time to write, let alone edit what is written, and I feel I am posting a lot of shoddy copy. So why stay?
Then I got an email from a reader telling me how important my blog has been to her in their journey to concieve. She explained that before finding Scrambled Eggs she felt extremely isolated in her journey. This silly little snippet of cyber space changed that and made her feel connected. That, friends, is powerful stuff. This email is not a one time occurrence, either. I get emails like this one regularly and every time I tuck them aside with full intention to reply and every time I lose track*. But I read your emails and damn if they don’t give me a sense of purpose in an otherwise very murky existence.
That sounded over-the-top dramatic, but really, murky is exactly how I would describe the last few months. In May the Professor finished his second year at the postdoc, which means he is halfway through and it is time to start the job hunt all over. Last time it took two years to land a temporary position in academia. This time we hope for the same but are bracing for worse. It makes it tremendously hard to get out there and make a place your home when you know your days are so numbered. It is even harder when you don’t know where you will be going next. Much like infertility, the only certain thing about our employment situation is that it is tremendously uncertain.
Sabine starts nursery school three days a week in September, too. I am excited for this big step towards her independence. I feel like we have a great mother-daughter bond and am cherishing every day with her by my side. At the same time, I worry she is too bonded and that I am going to cause her some deep-rooted issues as she ages. It’s such a complicated web of emotions. I hope the few days a week apart will make not only our relationship stronger, but also her as an individual.
Once Sabine starts school I am to dive headfirst into freelance. I’m really nervous about this. I’ve been doing a little work here and there for the last year and love it, but worry that I won’t be able to hack it as a professional freelancer. On the flip side, I know that jobs in my field are drying up as many companies choose to hire freelancers rather than keep a full-time writer on staff. This is the most logical step in my carrier and it gives me flexibility for family, diverse work and the option to choose my clients. It’s still a big change.
And finally, there is the ever-present whisper of growing our family. I actually had a right proper period last month and it filled me with hope for future children. It also filled me with fear of future children. We cannot, in any way, afford another child right now. We have no clue what our future holds and bringing another mouth into the picture would only complicate things further. In addition, my kid sleeps through the night.
I feel this statement needs repeating because of the magnitude of it: My child. Sleeps. Through. The. Night.
Newborns don’t. Enough said!
A baby is not an option right now, but it still muddies up the water from time to time.
So the figurative water here is murky. My blog’s purpose is unclear. My heart and head are conflicting, and my home feels more like a hotel. But I’m glad to know I have you all, and that my words still carry meaning, even if they are sporadic and poorly edited.
* And hello to all you “From a Reader’s!” You should know your words mean just as much to me as my words have meant to you.
Sabine had her two-year appointment today. I’ve started to dread these appointments because I’m always CERTAIN she grew and then learn that no, she really didn’t grow. I swear she looks and feels bigger and that her clothes are smaller but no, her clothes are just shrinking from the insanely hot gas driers in our building.
BUT today was different. Today Sabine actually grew and her doctor was THRILLED! At her 18 month checkup Sabine was 28.5 inches tall (off the charts small) and 17.3 pounds (off the charts light). Today she was 30.3 inches tall (still off the charts small but she grew) and an amazing 23.3 pounds which is the 9th percentile!
SHE IS ON THE CHART FOR WEIGHT! AND IS STILL THE PICKIEST EATER EVER!
The doctor was seriously thrilled and suspects Sabine will gain more height in the coming months with all that weight gain. Everything else checked out great. Sabine passed her eye test with flying colors, which I could have told them based on how she can spot a box of Trader Joe’s Golden Round crackers from about a mile away, and everything else looked and sounded good. Her cognitive and speech development is right on track and she is catching up with gross motor thanks to all the physical therapy this summer.
This is a good time to update on all the genetic studies, too. I’d been waiting to update until we meet with the geneticist in September but based on her recent growth, I’m pretty sure she is in the clear.
The tests were looking for a mosaic of Trisomy 15 and the three potential markers for Russell Silver Syndrome, a rare form of genetic dwarfism. The Trisomy 15 was negative, which rules this syndrome out completely. The Russell Silver Syndrome tests were also negative, however, do not rule the syndrome out. Up to 40% of RSS cases are undetectable with current technology, meaning just because the tests are negative does not mean she does not have the syndrome.
We’ll chat with the geneticist about his impression in September and determine if we want to give her the label based on her physical markers alone. At this point I don’t care either way. If she has RSS it means that she will always be tiny and thin. If she does not have RSS she will likely still always be tiny and thin based on her growth so far. So… what difference does it make? Having the diagnosis does make it easier for her to receive services should she need more in the future, and it gives me a nice response when people are rude about her size. Otherwise, it means very little.
All of this rambling to say that Sabine’s diagnosis is nothing more than “short.” We are tremendously relieved and are looking forward to returning to life as normal with our “Fun Sized” kiddo!