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Stay, Stay

04/27/2012

Belle

I have an amazing yoga teacher. Theresa keeps us moving while teaching us to slow down, breath and live “in the moment.” Often during class she will say, “Stay, Stay.”  Stay, Stay serves as a reminder for us to stay in the moment. There is nothing you can do about the future or the past. If you spend your moments worrying about those, you will miss the present. Stay in the present.

I have come back to this concept many times during our struggle with infertility and the scary nights of uveitis. Today I’m drawing upon it to help me through the early weeks of “the P word.” Stay in the moment, don’t worry about the future or the past.

From what I understand I’m only four weeks P, and that is a flexible number until we can see what is going on in there. At this point there is nothing to do to save this pregnancy if things start going south. I’m already on progesterone 3x a day and two estrogen patches every other day. I’m taking my prenatal, my Omega’s and drinking  an extra glass of soy milk a day. I’m taking leisurely walks and going to Stress Relief Yoga on Sunday.

This is all I can do. I can worry and fret about tomorrow and the what-ifs, but that will not change anything. Living in those worries will only make me miss today.

And do you know what today is? Today is 10 dpt5dt and I’m “the P word.” That, ladies, is beautiful and I’m relishing in the moment, trusting my doctor and trusting my body.

I have decided not to do the repeat Beta test on Monday since my doctor does not require it. If the number is not climbing properly there is nothing I can do but wait till the ultrasound. If I begin to lose the pregnancy, no amount of beta tests will save it. The only thing I can do right now is stay in the present and love every moment of it.

************************

Last night I found myself feeling vom-tastic after eating dinner. I think it was all the garlic, or maybe the smoked salmon. Whatever it was it had me worrying I might have to pull over! Thankfully I kept it down. Smoked salmon is delicious going down, but I doubt its yumminess the second time around.

Today I feel a little queasy, am having some light cramping, my lower back hurts a bit and my thighs feel tired, if that makes sense. Honestly, I feel remarkably like my period is coming. I’m finding encouragement in the fact that this morning’s HPT was a little darker than yesterdays.

And finally, the jeans I’m wearing are miserably uncomfortable and pressing on my lower belly making everything even more uncomfortable. Bloating sucketh mucheth! I have to drive to Corbin, KY today, which means I’ll have about 3 hours in the car. I think I need to run by the house and change pants before I hit the road!

Thank you for all the encouragement over the last week. I have been slacking on responding to your comments and commenting on y’all’s blogs. I’ll play catch-up this weekend. Until then, enjoy every moment of your Friday!

*Photo taken last Sunday while I was visiting the Geese.

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15 Comments

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  1. April 27, 2012

    Depending on your shirt (does it cover the top of your jeans), you can use a rubber band for the button to keep it together but make the waistband higher (loop a rubber band through the hole and around the button). And while you’re driving just open them. LOL. That is, if you don’t have time to go home and change first.

    It’s true, enjoy the moment, that is kind of how it has to be with people who know too much about the risks during pregnancy! Last weekend when I thought there was a chance my babies might not make it through the progesterone transition I tried to enjoy being pregnant with them over the weekend. Right now, you and Pip are connected, and that is wonderful!

    • April 27, 2012

      I mean, it makes the waistband looser. Not higher. lol

  2. April 27, 2012

    I love that. Stay, stay. I’m going to use that. It’s easy to get wrapped up in “the next” or fondly remember how everthing used to be perfect, before our world was turned upside down. Stay, stay. Good advice.

  3. Laura #
    April 27, 2012

    Stopping by for ICLW! Congratulations! What a wonderful reminder from your yoga teacher! I’ll be focusing on staying in the moment today!

  4. April 27, 2012

    I am so happy for you! stay little pip. Stay warm and snuggled in.

  5. Jay #
    April 27, 2012

    This is just my opinion, and feel free to disregard it because its mostly conjecture, but I am deeply suspicious of soy(the unfermented form) , because of the phytoestrogens it contains. Nothing, I think has been proven about phytoestrogens one way or the other, but there is a whole lot of smoke, and hence it is possible that there may be some fire. It may have minute effects that people will become aware of only 40 years from now, or it may be perfectly safe, hard to say.

    Introducing synthetic estrogens into your system during pregnancy HAS been shown to have effects- a long time ago, REs went through the trend of prescribing a synthetic estrogen called DES to infertile woman who took it during pregnancy. Decades later, it was shown that female children born from those pregnancies, had abnormal T shaped uterus, but were fine in every other way. They, ironically, had infertility issues based on this one issue. All male children born of those pregnancies were perfectly normal.

    Just putting this story out there to make people cautious– I know soy has been consumed by many populations and they have been ok, but in many others it has been linked to issues based on the phytoestrogens, which are estrogen mimics. Small quantities arev ok, but consuming large quantities of unfermented soy products makes me nervous.

    Scientific conjecture aside, I’m glad things are proceeding well. I know it is impossible to relax till atleast the first trimester is past, so I hope time just speeds by for you!

    • jak #
      April 27, 2012

      hey jay! i’m a toxicologist actually and have had to study this stuff. the thing with des is that it is roughly 100X more potent towards the estrogen receptor than estrogen itself. so it was really, really driving estrogen signaling in a mad crazy way. soy contains the phytoestrogen genistein as you say (and probably others), which is not so potent, very much less potent than what all of us are already being injected, inserted, etc. with. so, yeah, you’re right it has some little effects that will probably be figured out later in more systematic ways, but its a gentle estrogen compared to the others, so no worries:) that’s awesome you know about all this. do you have a science background?! also they are starting to see some problems in male children, it’s not as obvious as in the females as you said. and the females on top of weird uterus are experiencing clear cell adenoma – scary. mt heart goes out to them. cancer for something they didn’t even have a choice in.

      dear belle – holy crap. where you get all that inner peace? congratulations:)

      • Jay #
        April 27, 2012

        Hi Jak! Yes, I’m a scientist, an immunologist in academia so you don’t get too much geekier than me. I didn’t come across the DES story through work, I came across it in the book ‘Coming to Term’. Its a pretty horrific one.

        About genistein, that is useful information, I had never looked into the strength of genestein as an estrogen receptor agonist. The reason I’m nervous is, everything has the capacity to have a butterfly effect (especially chronic low affinity signalling) and the complexity of biology is such that the phytoestrogens could be having an subtle effect (especially during gestation, where a billion processes are being launched) and we might never be able to put it together. My philosophy —which I often end up not following, owing to various constraints is: Mess with nature as little as possible, you never know what may come out of it!

  6. April 27, 2012

    Good for you for not doing that repeat beta!!!! You are right, there is nothing you can do about the number but stress about what it may mean, and there’s no reason to do that to yourself. I even went so far as to skip the early ultrasound because I felt the same way about it after my miscarriage…beautiful ultrasound did not keep the baby alive! But I understand IVF they kind of MAKE you do the early ultrasounds. Bastards ;-)

    Sending lots of sticky vibes to you and Pip!

  7. April 27, 2012

    I was like you and knew that if things went south with my pregnancy at the beginning there was nothing to be done by anyone. In some respects that did help me to just relax. I had already done enough worrying and what not just to get pregnant it was all out of my hands, except for the progesterone. Which I hated. LOL

    Also, they don’t do Beta’s here in Finland, unless you want to pay for them. So, I just took my HPT on the appointed day and called when it was a BFN/BFP and set up an appointment for the next step. For the BFP it was at just before 8 weeks to make sure I actually was pregnant and graduate to normal doctors.

    Good luck with your symptoms. May they not be too horrible.

  8. April 28, 2012

    I love how you are thinking. You have done and are doing all you can and now all you can do is sit back and enjoy. I try to think this way after each IUI. Thank you for getting me into this frame of mind now before my IUI.

  9. April 29, 2012

    I swore I was going to start my period EVERY.DAY for the first several weeks that I was pregnant. It was insane. I absolutely adore your yoga teacher’s mantra, and it was a good reminder for me today. Thanks for sharing, because I needed it!

  10. Amber #
    April 29, 2012

    Hey Belle! I am so behind on my blog reading, I’m so sorry for not following your story better. I am so happy for you! I love how yoga is exercise for the mind and body. I miss yoga. You are right, you have to live in the moment and not worry about the future. I have a Mary Engelbreit quote I use as my mantra now “Worry does not empty tomorrow of it’s troubles, it empties today of it’s strength.” Whenever I feel worries creep in (and they do), I think of this and try to embrace the moment. HUGS!

  11. April 29, 2012

    Belle you’re sounding like you’re in a good place now, which is great. Just enjoy it. Enjoy being pregnant!

    In Australia , we rarely have repeat betas and I am glad. It just seems to stress people out, and as you said, cannot change the outcome. Good call, I reckon.

    Now I don’t know about your guidelines, but here we are told not to eat smoked stuff. Two reasons 1. Sometimes not fully cooked, and therefore listeria risk (a kind of processed meat) and 2. The things such as nitrates used in the smoking process. Of course it’s up to you but just thought I’d share that. Some info here but it’s not entirely clear on smoked salmon!

    http://www.foodauthority.nsw.gov.au/_Documents/consumer_pdf/pregnancy-brochure.pdf

  12. April 29, 2012

    Hi belle so good to hear your positive headspace. In Australia we very rarely have repeat betas; as you said they cannot change the outcome. Too much info is a bad thing!!

    Don’t want to butt my nose in, but we are told not to eat smoked salmon or anything smoked in pregnancy. The reasons are 1. it is “processed”, and therefore may have used nitrates in the smoking treatment, and 2. It may not be fully ‘cooked’ which I think presents listeria risks? Just a thought for the future , though I know the guidelines differ wildly in different countries. Some of our guidelines are here in case it helps:

    http://www.foodauthority.nsw.gov.au/_Documents/consumer_pdf/pregnancy-brochure.pdf

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