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Just me and the cats (a glum, ‘woe is me’ post)

05/06/2012

Belle

Mr. Husband left again this morning – this time for the three weeks. This will be the longest we have been apart since we were dating. This time, though, I’m left to tend his three stinky cats. Currently one is in my lap, shedding on my navy blue t-shirt and looking annoyed that I am typing and not petting her.

The next three weeks are going to be HARD. I am still so uncertain about this pregnancy. The only consistent symptom I have had is exhaustion and waking up at 2:30 a.m. just to toss and turn until my alarm goes off at 4:30.

I guess I have also had extreme bitchiness. Like PMS times 12. It’s intense and a bit frightening. I’m sure Mr. Husband is glad to have a three-week reprieve from the insanity that is a maybe-pregnant woman all hopped up on hormones.

I still take a HPT every morning. I forgot to use my FMU today so I used my second and, while the line was still plenty dark, it was a smidgen lighter than yesterday. I know tests can vary and that the strength of pee can vary but…. it still worries me.

8 more sleeps till the ultrasound. My parents are coming up for it in the event there is bad news. I’m both happy about this and dreading it. My mom never lost a baby and she didn’t have any problems having my brother and I. Because of this she has no idea how to respond when I’m freaked out/upset.

When I lament or cry about infertility she always says, “Well, kid, this is just unfortunate.” And those words infuriate me. Unfortunate is burning your pancake. Unfortunate is when aphids eat your cabbage. Unfortunate is when you and your BFF have a silly falling out over whether or not adult women should wear flowered skinny jeans (I vote no, she votes yes… discuss?). Unfortunate does not begin to explain the pain that infertility brings. The anguish and hatred we feel is so much more than just unfortunate.

I could sit here and wallow in how sad and lonely I am to be stuck in Kentucky, sans husband and with a slightly fainter HPT, or I could go wash my extremely dirty hair and go to yoga. Maybe today I can keep my shit together long enough to make it through the entire practice.

This afternoon my girlfriend and I are going to a Peony Garden Tour at the Henry Clay Estate. I am looking forward to this, and seeing all the pretty flowers. Peonies are some of my favorites. Maybe I’ll get some photos for the next Picture Picture. You all might dig something other than cats or water fowl :)

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22 Comments

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  1. veetamia #
    May 6, 2012

    I vote for hair washing and yoga! I’m sorry you are struggling with these feelings… I would say they are normal and absolutely crappy. But know that you & Pip are cheered on from the other side of the pond, one of our pregnancies has to make it through and I’m rooting for you ♥
    Side-note: I always seem to be learning new vocab while reading your posts! ja,ja now I know what an ‘aphid’ is

    • May 6, 2012

      !! I am delighted that you learn new vocab from my posts! I’m such a word junkie and love to share new ones. My favorite word is defenestrate: throw through or out of the window; “The rebels stormed the palace and defenestrated the President”

  2. May 6, 2012

    Um, no on the flowery skinny jeans. At least not most times for most people. (I’m having flashbacks to the flowery leggings I wore in middle school. Yuck.)

    I’m sorry you’re not feeling confident this morning, and I know you know this (because you said it above) but I’m going to say it anyway – pee tests are going to be inconsistent sometimes. It’s okay. It doesn’t mean anything about Pip. (This is a graph from an article I found helpful. http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/content/23/2/271/F2.expansion.html)

    I hope you have a perfect u/s and that they next 8 days fly by!

    • May 6, 2012

      Thank you for this graph! Sometimes all you need is a visual to reassure yourself :)

  3. May 6, 2012

    Hi! I’m here to let you know I gave you a blog award: http://eighteenyears.wordpress.com/2012/05/06/my-first-blog-award/

  4. May 6, 2012

    We are ultrasounding on the same day ;) Feel free to email me any time when you are feeling scared. For me that has been every day since my BFP. Go for the yoga – the more distraction the better.

    • May 7, 2012

      Thank you, sweetie! I am either way positive about this pregnancy, or WAY NOT. The swings are dramatic and, quite frankly, tiring. One more week!

  5. faith #
    May 6, 2012

    WHAT?! THREE WEEKS?! I wish you could come visit the farm. Sometimes people don’t know what to say. Perhaps it would be best for her not to say anything at all…but just by being there for you is her way of letting you know that she really is concerned and on your side..always. So happy your Dad will be there. He will step up to any plate you want him to..MAKE HIM be your strength. He can handle it and will be so excited to celebrate PIP in picture picture! HUGS!

    • May 7, 2012

      Gah! Faith, if I were not the stinking bread winner I would totally come up to the farm for the next week. It would be so therapeutic to work in your gardens and soak up the sun, or maybe the clouds depending on how the weather is trending up there :)

      Sigh, Pip in Picture Picture will be a grand day! I have lots to learn about my camera before then!

  6. May 6, 2012

    Oh honey I feel ya! My husband is gone a lot, though 3 weeks is long for one go! It obnoxiously does not get any easier as the pregnancy progresses as I’m fully convinced I’ll go into labor while he’s away…let’s hope this is not a self-fulfilling prophecy! I’m glad someone is coming to that ultrasound with you, even though I’m sure it will be fine =)

    Keep yourself busy and just think when hubs is back you’ll already be what? 8 weeks pregnant?

    • May 7, 2012

      I know! Mr. Husband looks forward to seeing how much bigger the bwoobs get :) Last time he was gone for a week and came back and said the change was quite noticeable. Sometimes I think he likes the pregnancy boobies more than the thought of a baby :) (kidding!)

  7. May 6, 2012

    What’s with this “maybe-pregnant” bologna? You ARE pregnant! I’m sorry your Hubby is going away for so long. It really sucks! I wish my Hubby was traveling your way soon. You waiting for your u/s and me in my 2WW, we could go crazy together! I hope you can keep yourself busy. Surround yourself with friends and fun.

    • May 7, 2012

      I wish your husband was heading this way, too! Misery does love some company. I would bake us a chocolate cake :) It is so hard to believe I’m pregnant. Aside from being tired and crabby, I rarely “feel” pregnant. I think I will feel better once I have tangible evidence of a baby (i.e. blob on an ultrasound)

  8. May 6, 2012

    I’m with you on the flower skinny jeans…definitely a no. And I completely feel your pain with Husband being gone. My leaves often for work and it is always the worst weeks. Make lots of plans keep yourself busy and distracted. You will get there. Only 8 more sleeps you got this!!

  9. May 6, 2012

    Belle, you ARE pregnant. Stop with the pering on sticks torture.I did that twice post BFP & ended up running to the clinic crying in a panic (my levels went from 147 to 3 thousand!!!!and it was FAINTER!). Right NOW, you’re growing a spinal column . Can I say growing a spine is tiring and might make you cranky ? But you are very pregnant. Really really pregnant. In the most important organ growing bit. Further than you’ve EVER been. This is a cause for celebration. It does NOT FEEL real for a long long time. And that’s ok. The odds are WITH you that it will all continue to be ok, and you can NEVER be prepared for the worst case , so don’t try and be. Celebrate. This is not the uphill battle of ivf odds. You beat those. MOST pregnancies just KEEP GOING :-). Through faint lines, in my case through multiple hemorrhages & through placental biopsies & diabetes, they keep going. You concentrate on that spinal column, ok?

    • May 7, 2012

      You are absolutely right. This comment saved my evening. Thank you xoxo!

  10. aj #
    May 6, 2012

    Hang in there!! I totally agree that unfortunate doesn’t even begin to describe infertility. And no on the flowered skinny jeans!!

    • May 7, 2012

      Flowered skinny jeans are tragic. I was very disappointed when I saw Anthropologie had added them to their spring lineup. What happened to timeless and classic, ladies? :)

  11. May 6, 2012

    YOU ARE PREGNANT!

    I had to stop temping after I got my positive test and beta because the temps were freaking me out. I got ONE lower temp and thought that was the end (like your slightly fainter line). Stop testing, it only brings stress. You are pregnant. I’m glad your parents are coming up to support you either way – maybe you can coach them just in case it’s sad news (but it doesn’t sound like it will be).

    • May 7, 2012

      I’m done! I’m going to put the pee sticks up high out of reach without a step stool… and then I’m going to put the stool in the shed and lock it. Hopefully that will be enough to keep my insanity at bay. :)

      • Ashleigh Perry #
        May 7, 2012

        I have a feeling that won’t work, throw them away! :)

  12. Amber #
    May 7, 2012

    Oh I know this feeling all too well. At 20 weeks It still gets me sometimes. Do your best to embrace the pregnancy and keep taking care of Pip!

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