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A blurry close-up. I love the pleated front. Note: I REALLY need to work on taking better photos of my sewing. Next time I'll do some closeups of the finishing for you all.)

Sorbetto Top & Taking Back My Life (one pair of undies at a time)

Sorbetto top by Belle; jeans, Stella@ Express; shoes, Fidji @ Nordstom (my taste in shoes FAR outweighs my income, but somehow I make it work); vintage bird necklace handed down from my mom. Not pictured: New bra from Victoria’s Secret and new Calvin Klein seamless undies from online.

I have been in dire need of new bras and undies for months.  Actually, I needed new bras last year but didn’t want to drop all the cash because “I’ll be pregnant soon.” HA! The joke is on me, I guess.

I have also refused to buy new jeans even though mine are now way too small. Determined to either get pregnant or lose the 10 pounds IVF put on me *, I have continued to cram myself into skinny jeans and then hate myself. My mornings were constantly rushed due to the 20 minutes I would spend cursing my reflection. “Damn her, can’t she get her act and ovaries together?” The constant self belittling was not getting me anywhere. I am still squishy, my jeans are still too small, my undies are still falling apart and my sanity is wearing thin.

Mr. Husband was out-of-town again this weekend so I packed up my pride and ventured to the mall. The mall on Saturday afternoon is a dangerous place for an infertile – tons of babies and bellies wandering around looking happy and complete. Then there was me – the bitter infertile in way too tight jeans, swearing under her breath as she dodged yet another stroller.

Two hours later I emerged victorious – 5 new bras, a new pair of jeans, 15 pairs of panties and a bonus pair of super soft PJs. NICE undies and bras, too. ** I’m tired of buying cheapies from Target “to bridge the gap”  between infertility and pregnancy. This body, squishy or not, deserves to be clad in the finest push-up bras and seamless thongs. Period.

After my shopping spree I went home and cut out a Sorbetto Top by Colette Patterns. I’ve had this pattern in my file for months now, but had refused to make it since it is not baby-bump friendly. “You know what? Fuck it,” I decided as I cut into my new Swiss dot fabric. There is no reason I should walk around looking like I am expecting. There is no reason I should be living my life as if I’ll be pregnant any day now. You know why? Because I won’t be.

I need to accept this and find a way to live my life for today, not for what I want tomorrow to bring. There is no promise, no guarantee, that tomorrow will deliver my perfect pregnancy. We are all WELL aware that it will be at least 3 months until I start my next transfer. Further more, I have learned that just because an embryo goes in, does not mean a take-home baby will come out. Why on earth am I torturing myself?

It’s liberating to know I’m at least trying to take back my life. Infertility has robbed me of a year and a half and left me with very little in return. I have turned down vacations and adventures, great deals on hot jeans, romantic times with my husband, fancy wines and gourmet coffee all in the hopes of bringing home a baby. It is high time I wake up, smell the caffeinated coffee and take back my life.

*******************

A blurry close-up. I love the pleated front. Note: I REALLY need to work on taking better photos of my sewing. Next time I’ll do some closeups of the finishing for you all.)

The Sorbetto is a really simple top with tons of potential for variation. I have quite a few readers who have expressed a desire to try their hand at a garment. This is a great place to start. Added bonus – the pattern is a free download!

I spent a lot of time on this piece, making sure every stitch was perfect. I used French seams in it to hide the raw fabric edges. I made my own bias tape out of scraps of fabric. I set my machine on slow to do the hem in order to make it perfect. I’m super happy with the end result. The top looks cute with jeans and I think will pair very nicely with a high-waisted gray skirt that is on my sewing to-do list.

The back. Love the matching bias tape!

*I realize I am in no way over weight. Two years ago I was in the best shape of my life: lean and able to bench 50 pounds. I miss my strength, my muscle tone and my ability to haul big heavy bags of mulch and dirt. I also miss my designer jeans and hate that so much money is sitting unloved in my closet.

** I did go cheap on the jeans, though. Half price at Express just seemed a better idea than the full priced AG’s I have been drooling over.

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34 Comments

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  1. June 11, 2012

    That top is so cute! I love the fabric too.

    I’m right there with you. No more holding pattern. I went through last winter in two pairs of decent pants because ‘I’ll be pregnant soon.’

    I’m glad you did something for you.

    • June 12, 2012

      It is time we infertiles take back our pants!

  2. June 11, 2012

    The top is lovely! Well done!

    Also did the same thing regarding clothes. Figured it wasn’t worth spending the money only to not wear them because “this cycle will work!” was always the excuse. Then it just became a reminder of how conflicted I am with my body. *sigh*

    Glad you took charge!

  3. June 11, 2012

    I did the SAME thing when it came to clothes. I was buying things expecting to be pregnant, expecting to have a bump under it. I bought a dress because I thought it would be cute with a bump. And I hated my clothes. Then I went and bought some cute skinny jeans and clothes that fit my pre-pregnant body and I felt so much better about myself. Then I started applying for things and planning things that I would not have applied to if I were pregnant. Saying yes to things. Then I got pregnant and I had to closet the clothes and cancel the things I said yes to, but you know what, I have no regrets. Those months when I lived for the present instead of the potential future were also the months I felt most “productive,” which for me is a key feeling to combating depression.

    (And actually it turns out none of the “what-if-I-get-pregnant” clothes I bought look good with a bump, at least not with my bump, so I think it’s a waste of money anyway to buy with that mentality!)

    • June 12, 2012

      I agree 100% that productivity keeps depression in check. It has been a long time since I felt productive. I’m glad to be getting back to it!

  4. June 11, 2012

    Love it all – plus you are tempting fate by buying all new stuff, don’t you read the blogs of all the girls who do this – book vacations etc. and then end up pregnant? Before my last IVF cycle I actually did some boudoir photos for Jon for Christmas. I was not in my ideal shape by far, but I knew that the day would come that I would be big and pregnant and things may never get better – and it did WONDERS for my self esteem, I highly recommend it. When you have someone else doing your hair and makeup and shooting pictures to last a lifetime that make you look amazing it makes you forget (even if just for a minute) that you are a bitter infertile who should be carrying a giant bump instead of a giant drug induced bulge. New clothes/underwear etc is a good one too. I remember being so annoyed that Victoria’s secret was now only making their lace thongs in one size……it has come in handy now with the belly. Did you get the O/S? Then you might be set to look super hot pregnant or not!
    Love the shirt too – you are so talented! Looks great, and love how you get to pick your own great patterns and colors.

    • June 12, 2012

      Izy, you have inspired me! I have booked a boudoir session with my dear friend in Birmingham. She is a wonderful photographer and I’m certain can photoshop out my lumps and dimples :) Now, to find some boudoir-worthy lingerie. Thank you for the inspiration.

      I actually ordered my undies online from another company. While cute, VS panties really don’t give me the seamless look that I need with my slinky dresses and jeans. I HATE VPL (visible panty lines) so I am trying something new! I’ll let you know if they meet my criteria after I’ve given them a shot under some of my dresses! VS push-up bras on the other hand are a god send for the boobless :)

      • June 12, 2012

        Yay! You will love it. I was unsure at first and didn’t expect to get more than a few good pictures – and at the end of the day I ordered every single one! Will be a great reminder when you have mom boobs and stretch marks :).

  5. June 11, 2012

    You look HOT!! and trust me…TRUST ME! on this…you may never get back to “the best shape in my life.” I had that when I was 30 also…Now I am just trying to be in the best shape of my life in this moment. You were in a different phase then..this is now. You are still one of the healthiest people I know and DAMN CUTE TOO!! :) And I love your shirt…think of it this way..the money you save sewing your own clothes you can invest in nice bras and undies. You deserve it.. We All Do! You are a good inspiration to us all to invest in ourselves once in awhile.

    • June 12, 2012

      Oh Faith, I only wish sewing saved money! It seems that I end up sending about the same amount as if I had clearance shopped for things. At least I can know that my sewn pieces are unique. :)

  6. 35life #
    June 11, 2012

    You are so inspiring and positive, even when you think you aren’t! I needed to read this post today. I’ve been doing and thinking the same things for far too long. Ditto on the clothing and acceptance and finding yourself again. Hard to do sometimes but it’s so necessary. Love the top!

    • June 12, 2012

      *Blush* I’m glad I can inspire despite my gloomy mood!

  7. June 11, 2012

    Yep, I’ve totally been there. I denied myself so many things, particularly clothes, because I thought I’d be pregnant soon. I’d finally had enough of the self-denial – and my old clothes – and I’ve slowly started to buy myself new things: strappy red heels, a very pregnancy-unfriendly retro dress, fitted jackets and sweaters, and thick belts to show off my waist (since I still have it). If I can’t be pregnant, I might as well try to feel good about myself in some other way.

    I’m really glad you treated yourself to nice new things. You deserve them. :)

    • June 12, 2012

      Your style sounds adorable and I would love to see this retro dress!

  8. June 11, 2012

    I love your project photos–very inspiring! Also, I’m a little bit obsessed with the art hanging over your fireplace. Beautiful!

    • June 12, 2012

      Lol, that was a cheapie piece to hide the bad wall behind it! CB2 for $99. Best purchase I have made in a long time. Maybe I should do a photo tour of our little house and share some of my other finds and crafts.

  9. June 11, 2012

    What a cute top! I really admire your sewing ability. (One of several skills I attempted, and failed to, acquire when I was younger.)

    Everyone deserves pretty underwear, no matter her size. As someone who has struggled with her weight her whole life, I’ve had to remind myself of this often.

    P.S. You look great! :-)

    • June 12, 2012

      Sometimes all a crappy day has going for it are the pretties under your dress. Maybe we should all treat ourselves to new undies once a month when AF shows up.

  10. June 11, 2012

    Ive been buying “future pregnancy” clothes for about a year now and finally realised I now fit into them just fine without the baby bump…enoughs enough!
    I love what you did with the top,very stylish and beautiful material but I am IN LOVE with those shoes!!!! Totally worth it ;)

    • June 12, 2012

      Oh those shoes… I bought them for my wedding and when I found something better suited for my dress I promised to return them… Evidently that never happened. Mr. Husband was NOT happy about the $250 smackaroos. Two years later, though, I’m still wearing them and loving everything about them!

      • June 12, 2012

        A really good pair of shoes will NEVER be a waste!I still have a few pairs from when I was 14 and they are investments,not purchases ;)

  11. June 11, 2012

    i love your sorbetto! the fabric is adorable.
    i can also relate to some of your infertility feelings and experiences. it’s weird to be in that state of limbo all the time…waiting and planning and doing everything right, trying not to get too excited or certain but to balance that ‘not getting my hopes up’ with optimism and allowing yourself to enjoy the process…it’s tough. good luck to you :)

    • June 12, 2012

      Thanks for stopping by stirandstitch! I adore your Sorbetto and your tunic, too! I actually just made the tunic two weeks ago and am preparing to make another and attempt to delete that back pleat. Any tips on how to do it? :)

  12. June 11, 2012

    Hot damn, I envy your sewing prowess. Amen to living life for TODAY. I am fighting like hell to do the same…it isn’t easy. I exercised for the first time in a month yesterday and aside from feeling like I was going to hack up my lung, I felt good afterwards. I had stopped doing “strenuous” exercise because it may be bad for pregnancy. Now, it’s all about two words: “fuck it.”

    • June 12, 2012

      Absolutely fuck it. I am starting to think that exercising might be the ticket to getting us pregnant as it helps with anxiety and sadness. Surely a less sad womb is more inviting to a baby? At least that is what I tell myself when panting on my bike :)

  13. June 11, 2012

    I love that top! You look fabulous! If there’s an unwanted 10 extra lbs in there, I don’t see it AT ALL.

    • June 12, 2012

      :) It has at least spread around the entire self fairly well. Equal distribution of squish!

  14. Amber #
    June 11, 2012

    So glad you did this for yourself! You look adorable in the new duds!

  15. D #
    June 12, 2012

    Love the shirt! I used to sew all the time and make clothes for myself…you are inspiring me to dust off my sewing machine. You also described perfectly why I HATE going to the mall. Seeing all the happy preggos makes me want to stop and scream at the top of my lungs about the unfairness. :(

    • June 12, 2012

      You should TOTALLY dust off your machine. I just ordered a few new patterns. Maybe we could do a sew-a-long together :)

  16. June 12, 2012

    5 new bras, a new pair of jeans, 15 pairs of panties? In 1 shopping trip? You are my hero.

    Also, I love the top.

  17. June 14, 2012

    The fabric is beautiful and you did an amazing job on that top. Good for you getting new bras and panties! I do that same thing and wait entirely too long to get myself bras. If tomorrow is negative I am going out and getting myself new bras!

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