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“Keep it to yourself”

06/15/2012

Belle

WARNING: Angry post ahead. 

This was my acupuncturist’s advice. “You should not talk to people about your loss. They won’t understand and will only make you feel worse. I would not even talk to Mr. Husband if I were you because men will never understand.”

I poo-pooed this advice away. Of course I’ll talk to my husband about this! It is his loss, too. It is our job to be there for one another, right?

I’m starting to think I was wrong.

Four weeks ago I would spend my evenings blissfully reading about the growth of Pip, reading reviews on cribs and all-terrain strollers, brainstorming names and making a list of things to sell in order to make room for our new family member. Now my evenings are spent reading blogs of women who have gone on to have successful pregnancies, researching Trisomy 15, reading about how to lose weight after a miscarriage, reading about how  to move on. I cry to Mr. Husband about my worries and fears and I urge him to agree to genetic testing. He refuses and says to just relax.

Before he was kind, compassionate and patient. Now he is annoyed. He snaps that this will work and that we have nothing to worry about. He hisses that everything has gone perfectly so far. I stare at him opened mouthed – no, actually we have fell into the shitty statistic every, single, time. Let me rehash:

  • I was and am the woman who does not ovulate
  • I was the woman who had an EXTREMELY rare reaction to Clomid
  • I was the woman who hyper stimulated
  • I was the woman who failed to respond to her next round of stimulation
  • I was the woman whose estrogen failed to rise  during IVF
  • I was the woman who produced 27 eggs but only had 6 embryos to freeze
  • I was the woman who bled during her pregnancy
  • I was the woman who lost her baby
  • I was the woman whose “products of conception” had the rare Trisomy

I see very little about this list that is “perfect” and I see every reason to be genuinely concerned about repeat loss. Telling me to “relax” and that “everything will be ok” is not what I need to hear. Sitting back and being apathetic about testing is not what I need to do. I need more answers.

This miscarriage has not had the effect on him that it has on me. He was out-of-town when I got that first positive test. He was gone for my beta. He was out-of-town for my three brief weeks as “pregnant.” He was gone for that fucking ultrasound where I saw my dead baby. He did not feel the changes in his body, nor did he feel when the pregnancy stopped. I knew when Pip died. He does not wake up every morning and see a soft, pudgy person with tiny deflated breasts. He does not huff and puff on his bicycle because he has been away from it for so many months. He does not have time ticking away as the dreaded “advanced maternal age” creeps closer.

I have tried to talk to friends about this. They say they are sorry and to hang in there, it will work. Some question my desire to have children at all, pointing out how hard their life as a mother is. Some have the nerve to tell me this is “God’s plan.” Some insist that now that I have had a loss I will suddenly ovulate normally and conceive without help. I want so badly to hiss, “fuck your God’s plan,” I want to scream at the mothers who dare to complain about their children and I want to laugh hysterically at the women who suggest that it will “happen on its own.”

I used to read posts much like this one from women grieving loss and think to myself, “Surely it is not that bad. Be tough! Solider on!” Now I feel like a horrible, rotten person for thinking that – this is the most isolating thing a woman can go through and some days, being tough is not an option. I am sure I have left overly optimistic comments on other’s posts and I’m absolutely certain my good intentions brought more tears and heartache. To all of you I have unintentionally hurt, I am so sorry. I had no idea.

If I could be so stupid, so naive to the pain these woman were feeling, of course my friends with children, my friends with faith, my friends without loss won’t understand. Of course my husband, who was not even present for my brief pregnancy, would be less than supportive. Today I understand what my acupuncturist meant. It was a lonely journey to get here, and will be a lonely journey to recover.

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40 Comments

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  1. June 15, 2012

    First of all, FUCK anyone who tells you to shut up! She was probably uncomfortable about it but that’s her problem.
    You are not stupid or naive. There is no way you could have ever prepared for this and it breaks my heart that you went through it alone. You don’t deserve that. If I could be in KY and give you a hug I would.
    I won’t attempt to offer you advice because I have none. But I just want to say that I think you are an incredibly strong woman, and although everything you’re feeling right now totally sucks, I hope that you can still hold on to a little hope. Your journey will not be easy and, no, that’s not fair. But you are strong enough to stop at nothing to get to your dreams. And because of that, one way or another, sooner or later, you will.

    if nothing else, then please accept my thumbs up for your awesome photography and sewing skills and, based on the beautiful pictures you posted of yourself in your adorable clothes, I think you’re gorgeous and I see no evidence of deflated breasts or that 10 lbs you keep speaking of!
    xo

  2. June 15, 2012

    Husbands do not understand. They just don’t. And I say that having a very understanding, empathetic husband.

    I have a thought to share. Just before we started IVF, one of the blogs I read talked about this very thing – the husbands not “getting it” and not being involved. That writer had her husband give her every.single.shot to keep him involved, to keep it in front of him how this was affecting her. I asked my husband if he would do the same thing so that he could be as much a part of it as me, and he said yes. Sure, I could easily do my own sub-Q shots, but I wanted him to be a part of it and so did he. We have MFI so it was important to me that he see what I’m going through because of his issue. But it was much more than that – it was what WE were going through as an infertile couple. This helped me tons – he was much more supportive through all of our IVF’s than he ever was while TTC naturally. He took that first IVF BFN as hard as I did – and I believe it was because of his involvement. By the third cycle (we had an FET after the first IVF and he did all shots for that too), I did my sub-Q’s by myself because I wanted to have that control – for me.

    Can you get him to go to ALL of your appointments with you when he’s in town? My husband did this and our RE said it’s not normal for husbands to come to every blood draw, every test, etc, but that the ones who do come end up being better partners in the IVF process.

    I feel for you. I just ache for you. I’m sorry you’re not getting the support that you deserve and need.

    • June 18, 2012

      We are actually switching to PIO next time mainly so Mr. Husband can have an active role, well, that and it saves money. I know it seems crazy to choose to have someone inject you in the ass daily, but I think for us it will make it easier for him to be a part of this journey. Thank you for sharing your experience.

  3. June 15, 2012

    Oh Belle. I am so, so sorry that this has been your experience, and that you can’t seem to catch a break. I think people are sometimes afraid to say, “You know what? You’re getting the really shitty end of the stick.” There’s this need in people to try to say something positive, but sometimes there’s nothing positive to say, and if there is, it’s so trite and ridiculous that it has the opposite effect of what was intended.

    This is a lonely, lonely trek that we have to take. Even with a super supportive husband, this is a pretty solitary experience. We’re the ones getting blood drawn all the effing time to the point that our arms look like we’re junkies, we’re the ones getting invasive ultrasounds on the regs, we’re the ones getting pumped with crazy hormone-altering drugs. Men tug one out while looking at porn. I kind of feel like it’s their duty, their part of the bargain, to help try to pick us up when we break down, or at least to just know when to shut up when we’re ranting because we need to, not because we need a response.

    I have to tell you, though, that your blog has made this journey a little less lonely for me, for whatever that’s worth.

    I’m right there with you, my dear, if only on the interwebs.

    Big hugs to you.

  4. June 15, 2012

    I have no advice or words of comfort. I wish I did, but I’ve got nothing.

    IF is horribly isolating. I feel it. I feel a huge chasm between my husband and I over it because he doesn’t get it and I know that he never will. It’s absolutely shitty.

    I haven’t lost a (confirmed) pregnancy. I don’t know how it feels, but I know enough to know that it’s far, far worse than anything I’ve gone through so far. I hate that you’ve gone through this and I hate that you’re feeling so alone in your grief. None of this is fair.

  5. June 15, 2012

    I lost my baby last December. I felt everything you are feeling now. I hate those women who say “buck up,” it will happen! God’s time! ha. ha. ha. Tell me that when you’re grieving the loss of a child. UGH. I have been following you and my heart breaks for your situation. I know there’s nothing I can say to make it better, but I can say that everything you’re feeling is normal. I don’t know if other people understand, but I had to learn to grieve in my own way. I had to avoid certain people and things and topics because it made me feel better. F everyone else.
    The loss is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, and the most alone I’ve ever felt. No one but others who have gone through it understand. Seven months have passed, and I still think about our little baby all the time. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

  6. June 15, 2012

    Have you found the group Faces of Loss yet? They have a website with stories from other babyloss moms, and they have support groups as well. I went to a support group through them for a while and it was so incredible to sit and talk with other women who had been through a loss. No one else can really and truly understand what it feels like unless they’ve been through it. I’d suggest seeking out a support group. A lot of times they’ll have them at hospitals as well. It’s seriously the best thing I did after my loss was to go to that group.

    I don’t know your husband, so I could be way off the mark with this thought, but I wonder if he’s feeling really guilty about not being there during all of that and that’s why he’s being a jerk about it? Men are so hard to figure out. I know with my husband, I often think he’s being really emotionless and distant about things, but then when we have a talk about everything I find out he’s been worrying about me constantly, and having many of the same emotions as me, just not showing it.

    I’m so sorry Belle. Hang in there. It will get better. Things will always be different now than they were before, but it does get better with time.

  7. June 15, 2012

    Unfortunately, SO many people don’t understand, and don’t even know how to empathize (or don’t know when to empathize and when to give advice). Then you end up feeling even more isolated after talking to them than before. :(

    Keeping sewing, don’t stop making things. I don’t know that it will make you feel less isolated but it will certainly keep your hands and mind busy. And in the meantime, there are so many blog women who can relate, who are better at empathizing because they have been there in your shoes. There are women in this community who know better how to support you right now than the majority of women you are probably talking to and reaching out to for help.

    I wonder if the accupuncturist was saying that because she herself had been through a loss and felt totally isolated and depressed after reaching out to people who just didn’t understand. She might have been trying to shield you from her own experience.

  8. June 15, 2012

    I don’t think that’s right. You deserve to be heard. You deserve for people to listen with a kind heart. This is your time to grieve and so what if you don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. This is where you are.

    Keep writing Belle – angry, true words and all. We are here to listen. Keep living too, because life can be too hard sometimes, but with time you will see light again.

    And don’t feel bad about your words to others. I know when I’ve been in a particularly difficult place, it was hard to hear people say that it will be better next time, or that things would feel different soon. I remember feeling desperate and angry (not related to IF), but maybe it was important for me to hear these things – because in time they came to be true. Kind of.

    I am thinking of you. Hurting for you. Hang in there.

  9. June 15, 2012

    It’s true, no one who has never experienced a loss can ever understand. My RE told me to go to therapy 2 weeks after my miscarriage because I cried during our appointment. My husband was understanding and sad for a while but soon started telling me I was a bitter negative person. I’ve never felt so alone in my grief.

    Amazingly because of what happened in my situation, I announced on Facebook at 12 weeks that I was pregnant then lost the baby the next day and had to announce the miscarriage, tons and tons of women came out of the woodwork to tell me about their own miscarriages. And although none of them were close friends or people I really wanted to confide in, it was nice not to feel so alone and nice to know that most of these women had children. It gave me hope when I felt really hopeless.

    The ridiculous thing that I’m going to tell you is that even though I laughed in everyone’s face just like you did when they told me we could try on our own because you’re supposed to be super fertile after a loss….it does happen. I totally got pregnant on my own 8 weeks after the miscarriage and I had absolutely no proof of ever ovulating on my own in the last year and a half. I never would have believed you if you told me that could actually happen. I would have said that only happens to women who got pregnant easily the first time!

    I’m also going to tell you that it gets easier…because it does. Time heals all. At some point you will feel like moving on and you will. Don’t rush it, take the time to cry and scream and grieve however you need to, the healing will come on it’s own.

    Good luck Belle, miscarriage is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to live through, but you will get through it.

  10. June 15, 2012

    You are not stupid. You are hurt and angry, and you have every right to be. Don’t let other people validate your feelings and pain. Its not that people “don’t” or “can’t” understand what you’re going through, they just chose not to, and that’s unfortunate. Maybe they can’t emotionally handle it. Fine, but that’s their problem, not yours. Even if they can’t be there for you, they should never suggest that other people can’t be. You are not alone. There are many of us out here who do understand and feel every emotion that you are going through.

    I’m someone who is very open and vocal about our infertility, and there are still people very close to us who just want me “to get over it”. I will never apologize to them because they can’t handle the situation. That’s on them. All I can do is go on, keep talking about it, and seek comfort with those who will be there for me.

    I know it’s not been or going to be easy, but I really hope for some peace and comfort for you.

  11. June 15, 2012

    Ugh….people who haven’t dealt with infertility/loss have no effing clue what they are talking about. I had a girlfriend once tell me that I should take time to “actively love my uterus” during my next FET……I didn’t even respond I was so effing mad. Was she actively LOVING her uterus when she accidentally got pregnant on her wedding night? You’d better believe I was doing 500 times the things she was doing to get pregnant. Seriously people, go to hell. And a loss is a loss. It is a shitty shitty place to be and even when you get pregnant you will still mourn this loss. Really all you want people to say is “I am so sorry, if you need to vent, I am here”. That is it….why is that so damn hard for people to do without doling out their unwanted advice?
    My husband told me “we can try for twins next time” when I told him the other week that I miss our baby. That’s not the point, I don’t want twins – I want my baby, the baby we lost. And I know you feel the same. You wanted Pip, you felt him/her growing and you made plans for his/her life. While you may get to plan for another one day, it will not replace that the plans you had for THIS baby are now lost.
    I do believe you will get pregnant again, I do believe that your body has a taste and will get there (although it will more likely be from an FET than on your own), but that doesn’t make your current position any less shitty.
    Bitch and vent all you want to us. We get it, and we are happy to be sounding boards.

  12. June 15, 2012

    Belle, I hate that you’re going through this. I have so may responses tumbling through my head right now for you, but the one that’s really important is don’t let your own good intentions cause you pain. You have so much hurting you right now. No one can read a single one of your posts and think you’re anything but kind and considerate and compassionate. Your good intentions do shine through; even though we all have and times and worst times, encouraging words like yours stay around to add to the lifeline when we’re able to start pulling ourselves back to the surface.

    I’m sorry your husband is reacting the way he is. I’m still trying to explain to my husband why and how I still feel the way I do at times. He IS getting it, here and there. I’m always on the lookout for anything that will help me explain.

    And don’t listen to the God’s planners.

  13. June 15, 2012

    Fertile friends that I talk about our infertility struggle with don’t understand. Frankly I don’t understand what you are going through entirely because I have never had a miscarriage. I think until recently people kept miscarriages a secret.

    I’m guessing that your husband’s reaction is not based on anger towards you. It’s based on anger towards infertility and the issues that you guys have had so far. Maybe talk to him about his reaction and how it hurt you?

  14. June 15, 2012

    Guys always seem to be less emotionally connected than we are (well … not all guys.. just from what I’m reading above and my own experience). I wonder if it’s because our bodies go through it and they don’t feel that. They don’t understand what it’s like to have ovaries that won’t play game and for something so natural, to be so hard for us to achieve. That said.. they too grieve but in their own ways. Maybe ask why he doesn’t want to do the testing?

    I hope it all gets easier on you soon, Belle. All most of us can do is send you a huge ol’ virtual hug.

  15. June 15, 2012

    My husband is never there for the “big deal” moments in our lives either, so I can understand what your going through on that point. As for your pain and frustration, I wish I could give you a hug and just sit and cry it out with you till you felt better about it. I understand now why some cultures have a group of woman do the whole wailing and beating of the chests and total utter hysterics when there is a death. It helps with the grieving to know your not alone.
    Men hurt differently,maybe you need to let him know he can grieve with you.Have you discussed that aspect with him?I cant speak for him (obviously) but he also lost a baby and he may be worried it was his fault for not being there for you.Im just going with how mine would feel in the circumstances…As for the testing,give him time.
    And for the rest…screw them.Your dealing with your emotions the best way you know how.All woman react differently to news of miscarriages.Some want to stay away from you,as if your contagious and others just really dont know what to say and thats why they throw those stupid cliches at you.At least you have found a community that can support you and understand where you are at the moment emotionally and physically.

  16. Mo #
    June 15, 2012

    Ok so here’s the deal:
    You are not alone, you have us.
    Second, and just as important if not more; men process loss differently than we do. Shmerson spent the better part of the last two years not grieving but rather worried about me. It wasn’t until Nadav, where he witnessed the growing belly, etc. that the full weight of all of our losses hit him.
    Mr husband is most likely saying these things in a very musguided attempt to make you feel better because he is worried about you. If you haven’t already, you need to share what you’re feeling with him. Don’t let bitterness pile up here, bring him into the circle. Communication is ket to getting through this. Sending you a huge hug!

  17. June 15, 2012

    Hi Belle! I’m a lurker who started following your blog while doing a search on “27 eggs retrieved”. I, too, had low E2 numbers (starting out so low that they freaked out and doubled my stims), an unexpectedly high number of eggs retrieved, and did a freeze-all cycle during which we cryo’d nearly the same number as you did.

    This is what I’ve learned since my cycle:

    * If you are doing an antagonist cycle — which you must have been, since you triggered with Lupron — E2 numbers ARE NOT RELIABLE. Everything out there about “low E2″ refers to traditional daily-Lupron cycle. Cetrotide/Ganerelix messes with the E2 tests. Trufax. It’s not common knowledge because Lupron triggers are still rare; in the past, antagonists have mostly been used with poor responders who routinely have low E2 anyway.

    * 6 embryos is damn good. At my well-rated clinic, about 1/3 of couples have anything to freeze, and the average number frozen is 2. Even if you add on the extra two that were transferred, assuming that they would have made it to freeze, that makes the average 4.

    * I also either under or overrespond. My RE says it’s not unusual.

    I say all this not to communicate that you shouldn’t be mad as hell — but simply that you are not a medical freak, you’re not alone. Hardly anyone is textbook. Your husband isn’t crazy; from a certain perspective, things have gone well right up until the m/c — you produced a great number of eggs, had 6 make it to freeze, had a successful thaw, and then got pregnant off a SET! The fact that your embryo was chromosomally abnormal was just shitty luck, not a sign of anything dire. And certainly not a sign that repeat losses are in your future. The fact that your embryos froze, thawed, and implanted well is very, very hopeful. Your body did a perfect job. It was the embryo that wasn’t up to the task, and that’s common and unavoidable.

    FWIW, my very first IVF I hyperstimulated like heck, produced 23 eggs, transferred one, froze 5. Miscarried. Next cycle we ramped down the stims and I underresponded with 8 eggs; transferred one, froze one, BFN. Next cycle: BFP. That BFP is in preschool right now. You are not doomed, and there is hope.

    Take care. So many of us are wishing you healing and hope.

  18. krl #
    June 15, 2012

    Hugs – i feel your pain sweetie, I think every woman who has gone through a loss understands how you are feeling right now. We’ve all had the mis-guided comments from friends and family, and usually suffer them in silence. To trot out the old cliche – it does get easier over time, it took me over 2 years and a second loss to finally get some peace from the first.

    As to you husband, he is grieving too in his own way, and I’d hazard a guess like most men he is trying to “fix” you – to make you “better”. 2 weeks after our first loss my DH told me he didn’t know who i was anymore and i had to get back to the happy person i was before – it was crushing. Now I realise he was drowning too and was trying to articulate what he needed from me, when i was focusing on trying to heal myself.

    Maybe try to be less focused on all the things that are/have gone wrong in your journey, and sit down with him to talk. Really talk, about how you feel and what you need from him, and ask what he needs from you – set a limit on the time you will discuss the TTC issues each day thus it doesn’t consume every moment of every day.

  19. karaleen #
    June 15, 2012

    Oh my…my loss was almost 6 years ago and I still feel the pain. I also had to find out on an ultrasound that the heartbeats had stopped (we had twins). And…I don’t know why…but I feel like miscarriage after a fertility battle just seems to hurt so much more. It is a slap in the face after an already emtional battle. I remember this time well. I was very fortunate to have a wonderful and supportive husband and friends who crawled out of the woodwork to offer support….but it still didn’t ease the loneliness. There is something so isolating about this kind of loss….I was only 10 weeks so I was not showing, no one else felt or saw anything different, just me. So even though I had people who wanted to be there for me….they really lost nothing…it was me that went through it all and me that endured the knowledge that my babies were dead inside of me for almost 2 weeks before I had to have a D&C. It really is soooo lonely. I still don’t think I agree with your accupuncturist….I did love that my friends and family were there and offered food and time and a shoulder to cry on …and just a distraction….but after a couple weeks…they were over it and it was obvious that if I continued to seek that kind of support and talk about it…they would become uncomfortable. So that is when it all went inside. I hated to talk to my husband only because our fertility issues were on his side so he already felt sooo guilty about what I had to go through just to get pregnant…AND…he is a guy…great or not…they don’t dwell on the emotional…he just wanted to move forward and try again so we could be in “fix-it” mode.

    But…I will move on to the sappy and hopeful comments you don’t want to hear….only because I have lived through what you are going through so I have a special pass to offer up hopeful antecdotes…..Just believe me when I tell you this…..when you get to the other side (and believe me…you will)…..all of this will be worth it. You will not choose to change a single moment of your journey….it is yours, you own it and the story is there for you to write. I have not been reading your blog long…but from what I have read….I think you are a fighter…a dreamer with a drive to reach your dreams. I don’t see you as someone who will give up. Trisomy 15 is sooooo rare that I would venture to say it is a fluke. Good looking embryos don’t always mean healthy pregnancies and babies…..all my IVF’s and FETs only produced so-so looking embies and I have two beautiful, healthy kids….so don’t worry about your frozen pops….

    However….I AM a data person…so if you feel getting some genetic testing will put your mind at ease (it is usually just a blood draw and then you wait)…I say do it. And most of all…take your time to grieve…be angry, question God…it is all part of the process and it is all very very valid. I am so hearbroken for you because I remember being in this place….but there is a delicate balance between grief and hope and I also have a lot of hope for you. Hang in there….shout, scream, cry. sew more….love your husband anyway…he probably is hiding his own grief….and then just keep reaching for your dream.

    Yours in grief and hope…
    Karaleen

  20. Jaclyn #
    June 15, 2012

    Some people, even some people who do not have fertility issues, will understand what you are going through and are so sorry for how unfair it is. A lot of people won’t get it, but at least you have an online community that understands how devastating this is. I don’t think there is anything wrong with genetic testing since it is noninvasive and will help assuage your fears. I’d check with insuance yo see if it would be covered, and tell your husband that he just needs to take a blood test to reduce your anxiety. Best of luck to you.

  21. Bethany #
    June 15, 2012

    Belle,
    THANK YOU for putting into words what I have been feeling since my loss, and this whole crappy infertility journey. I have felt the same way when told “what is meant to be is meant to be” or my favorite….”When you stop trying you will probably get pregnant naturally” BULLS***. I have been following your blog for a couple of months, and I want to thank you for not only sharing your story, but giving me the courage to silently “give others the finger” in my head.

  22. June 15, 2012

    I’m so sorry that this is your reality right now but I promise you you are not alone. This can be a very isolating and lonely journey but if you want to talk and have people understand you you absolutely can have that. It’s just hard because you will have to probably seek out new people that understand and have been where you are right now.

    I can only speak about my experience and maybe something will stick with you but after our loss I was in a horribly dark place. I heard through the grapevine about a coworker who had also had a misscarriage. So I asked if we could talk….and we did and I cried and cried and she understood. She didnt try to hush my cries or offer “supportive” words that unfortunately just don’t help. I was so glad that I said something because suddenly I no longer feltl like a crazy woman who couldn’t deal with the loss of my baby. She also gave me the name of a therapist that specializes in pregnancy loss, infertility, etc and as much as I didnt want to call I’m so glad I did because it was only after seeing her that I really felt like I was healing. Even if it’s just a couple of sessions if you have the ability to see a counselor that specializes in miscarriage or loss I absolutely would do that for yourself. My husband was also detached from our loss which was hard I felt like I couldn’t be sad at home with him, seeing the therapist helped me see how he was grieving differently than me. It really helped not only me but also me and husband we started coming back together and not drifting apart.

    This journey sucks and nothing I can say will make it suck any less but you can feel better. You don’t have to feel alone because you absolutely are not.

  23. Amber #
    June 15, 2012

    I am so sorry you have to go through this, no woman should have to. It is so painful, but I promise it eventually gets better. You are right to keep seeking answers, that is what I woul do! As for talking to others, it does help but only with people who have had the awful experience. After my loss I was surprised how many people I knew who had a loss. No one wants to talk about it so it is isolating. Hang in there!

  24. jak #
    June 15, 2012

    i am very sorry that you have to weather so much of this alone. that just sucks.

    i am also sorry about your husband being an asspock. i think genetic testing is always a good idea. can i (ok, we, since this is a blog), ask why it is your husband is against testing?

    our clinic made me get tested. then if anything came up, my husband would have had to get tested. its not like you would be deciding the color of pip’s hair or whether pip would prefer contemporary vs modern art. its testing YOU. and mr. husband. to see if there is anything to be on the lookout for. all you gotta do is spit in a cup and put it in the snail mail. your results will show up on the computer machine.

    be good to yourself. your pip is still traveling towards you in another dimension, getting closer and closer…….

  25. June 15, 2012

    This post broke my heart. Belle, I could have written this (without your eloquence, though) after my first miscarriage. I felt so lonely and isolated, and my husband was experiencing the loss from a very, very different viewpoint (sounded exactly like your husband). “Why is this so difficult for you?” “It wasn’t even a baby.” etc. But…after our 2nd miscarriage, he kinda crumbled. I could see the pain in his eyes.

    Anyway, I’m rambling. You are not alone and I don’t agree with your acupuncturist. People will say dumb things sometimes, but better that they should know what you’re going through than blabbering on about their 1st tri morning sickness without knowing.

  26. June 15, 2012

    I was just thinking last night about how this whole infertility thing is so isolating. The most I ever get to talk about it is when I am sitting behind my computer typing to my friends in this community (whom I love dearly), but then I walk away from my blog and I am totally alone again.

    My husband and I went through this where I felt like he didn’t care enough about what I was going through but he told me that I needed to give him the space to grieve in his own way. I think the thing about men is that they don’t do well with “gray area.” They need a plan that is concrete and they need to be able to fix stuff. I think the concept of pregnancy, especially in the early stages is too abstract for them to wrap their heads around. It’s like you said–he didn’t experience body changes or feelings of just knowing the inevitable. And he didn’t miss out on those things because he chose to, he missed out simply because he is a man and he can’t get pregnant.

    My husband and I are now at the point where he gets upset simply because I am upset, not necessarily because he feels the same way as me. The point is that we found something that works for us and I believe that you and your husband will too.

    I don’t mean to provide excuses for his behavior–you certainly deserve to feel exactly how you feel. Just trying to provide another perspective. Hugs to you Belle!!

  27. June 15, 2012

    I’m so sorry you have to go through this feeling of isolation. Know you have this wonderful community behind you, always. I have no words of wisdom, it is already very well said in the comments above. Maybe a support group would help or finding a therapist to work through some of it and keep on sewing as you do so good. I don’t know really, it’s hard but you are definetly not alone.

  28. June 15, 2012

    Wow. Someone who gets it. Thank you.

  29. June 15, 2012

    Grief, anger, less than perfect partner support… yeah. You are definitely not alone, my dear. I wish there was safety in numbers, but the best any of us can offer is our love, support, and understanding. There is energy in anger… we just gotta try to channel it in more positive ways (than bitch slapping the idiots with all the answers). Thinking of you as you make your way through the worst of this pain.

  30. June 15, 2012

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so alone right now. Mr. Husband sounds a lot like my Hubby, staying positive when that’s the last thing you want to hear. When you hear enough of that from people who have no fucking clue. I have no way of knowing what he’s feeling right now, but I hope the two of you can support each other through your grief, whatever that looks like for each of you. And if you feel like you can’t talk about this with anyone in real life, you always have us. Sending you so many hugs.

  31. June 15, 2012

    The “God’s plan” comments were always the absolute worst. It is also something I completely disagree with. God may be some loving all-knowing supreme being – but biology is a complete bitch and a separate entity all together. I believe what you’re are going through is a profound and tragic experience and I am so sorry for your loss. I can say that other bloggers in their many stages of family building and family loss were my lifeline – you are not alone.

  32. Erika #
    June 15, 2012

    I understand every single sentence of your post. Sadly. Sometimes I just want to scream at people who say things like ” it will happen when you stop trying” This comes out of the mouth of someone with three kids pregnant by a stiff wind. News flash: I’m still not a mom of a living child after about thirty embryos have been conceived outside my uterus and more than a half dozen have been perfectly placed in my primed uterus.
    Sorry, I don’t think not finding my zen is the problem. Just a thought.
    Much love to you. This is a very dark place to be.

  33. 1nJenifer #
    June 16, 2012

    Thank you for speaking so openly and honestly. I can’t believe how many people know of my struggle yet say stupid shit every time I see them. The other day a woman told me that she had dealt with infertility for 7 months and it was devastating. Puh-lease lady! 7 months is nothing!!!! I think many of these people woul never make it a day in our shoes Belle. I am here. Xo

  34. June 16, 2012

    When I had my loss in 2010, no one but DH said the right things. People who have never been through it have no fucking clue how hard it is. The grieving is what throws people. I think m/c is seen as something that just happens, and then is over. But it isn’t. It’s a long painful process of dealing with the loss and the aftermath. I see your acu’s point, but I think I would advocate for somewhere in the middle. If people asked me about my loss or how I was doing, I was completely honest. I needed to be real about how fragile I was and it helped to get some support. But, I think I agree with not telling people who have no purpose in knowing (those outside of your close circle). A few quality people to help support you is positive, but randoms saying the wrong thing is def bad. Please know you can contact me ANY TIME about this. My loss devastated me and took me a long time to be able to move past. xoxo

  35. June 16, 2012

    Oh Belle, this sucks. I KNOW it sucks and I’m sorry it has to be this hard and this lonely. I hope the blogging community brings you some comfort. I have also found it hard to talk to anyone who hasn’t experienced this, but sadly, there are lots of us who have, especially in blogland. Feel free to express all the anger, pain, and uncertainty right here…just blog it out! I really think it’s better to say what you need to say rather than keep it bottled up inside, even if it makes someone uncomfortable. You’re hurting. It’s your right. And I hope it stops hurting quite so much some day.

  36. June 16, 2012

    I know this sucks right now, and you have every right to rage and cry about this loss. Becasue that is what it is…the loss of a baby, a dream, a desire. I believe in God, but I wouldn’t dare tell you, or anyone who has gone through such a heartbreaking loss, that it was His plan. You have every right to be angry at God. I know I was after my ectopic, after my chemical, and soon after we decided to stop trying to conceive altogether.

    I think your acupunturist is partially right in telling you to keep this to yourself. I think the thing is to find safe people around you to voice your grief. The one thing I had to learn about miscarriage and loss is that, men grieve differently about this sort of thing than women. It might not always be an easy thing to swallow, especially in those moments when our doubts about the next treatment are surfacing and our husbands aren’t providing the life-line we need to prevent us from drowning in that sea of doubt and uncertainty.

    (((HUGS to you)))

  37. June 17, 2012

    Men like to fix things and they can’t fix this. I know my husband felt scared and powerless after our daughter died. He couldn’t bring her back and he couldn’t make me feel better. I remember when he went back to work after only a few days, thinking ‘how can you function enough to teach when I can’t stop crying or get off the couch? Didn’t you love our baby??’. But going to work was his way of coping.

    It’s lonely and understanding why your husband does what he does doesn’t make it easier, but I think it tones down the anger a smidge. Same with understanding why others respond the way they do. I would like to say that it gets better, but the reality is that it just gets less intense.

    For me, the infertility adds a thicker layer to the loss. Even in my grief support group, I felt different because I knew that getting pregnant again wasn’t going to be as simple as a fun romp with my husband. No one in my real world has any idea what it’s like. And as helpful as the blog world is, sometimes I just wanted all these women around me in person!!

    Take care of yourself, be selfish and don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Feel what you feel and say whatever you want. It might make people uncomfortable, but you’ll also learn who is going to be there for you through the really tough stuff… anyone can handle the good times but few will weather the storm. xo

  38. June 17, 2012

    I can so relate to this. The only people who really understand are those who’ve been through it themselves. And I would actually say to keep talking, because that’s how you find them. When I had my first loss, I didn’t say much to anyone, but after the second I did, and I discovered that 3 of the people I worked with had also had miscarriages. I also joined a support group through the Miscarriage Association (this is in the UK) and the two women who started in the group at the same time as me are still great friends of mine. I had had 3 losses at that point, they had had 5 and 6 each – we all have live babies now (their’s are actually at primary school!). Husbands DON’T usually get it – mine only got it after loss number 6, by which time I was resigned to the pattern and was actually angry with him for being upset (can’t win, eh). Hang on in there.

  39. June 18, 2012

    I can’t truly understand it all so I just want to tell you… I love you.

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