I have been begging, no pleading, with my body since January to PLEASE make a follicle. “All it takes is one!” all the Fertility Message Boards cheer. And every month that goes by without AF (Aunt Flow – a cutesy TTC term for your period) leaves me a little more skeptical.
What magic beans must I ingest to grow some follicles?
Yesterday I got the surprise of the year: AF started the day I was supposed to begin Crinone. At first I thought this was a great development and meant I could start injects sooner and let science take over the follie growing game. I called Dr. Hope’s office and was told he was out of town for the week (blast!) but that his nurse was happy to do a scan to make sure there are no cysts and get me started on the injects.
Mr. Husband picked me up from work at 11 a.m. with a tiny lunch box cooler filled with my Gonal-F and a bag of frozen corn. He’s so good – he even remembers to keep the stuff cool with some frozen veggies since our icemaker is not working! We get to the doctor and are taken back for my ultrasound. This is only my second ultra sound, the first at Dr. Hope’s clinic, so it is still very new to me. The technician is Russian and I have a REALLY hard time understanding what she says.
I do understand when she says “Follicle.” I glance at DH who can see the screen and see him staring bug eyed. I assume that they are talking about just a tiny little hint of a follicle and try to relax.
Once the ultra sound is complete I am taken to another room to wait for the nurse to come in and go over the results. DH and I try to discuss everything BUT follicles. I chatter away about nonsense while he scribbles math problems in a yellow notebook. Just another day for us…
The nurse finally comes in and says that I have a dominant follicle measuring 15mm.
I gasp and ask if this supposed to happen when I’m on my period? She gently says that she does not think so, but is not comfortable making decisions until she has talked with Dr. Hope. She says she is going to call him and will get back with us.
During the next few minutes I experience a huge range of emotions all while trying to remain calm and kind with DH.
- Excitement: I have a Follicle!
- Fear: This is not supposed to happen at this time. What if I’m broken… what if the follicle releases the egg while I’m bleeding. What if this egg is THE egg and is going to be wasted?
- Anger: Why can’t my freakin’ body get its act together and produce a follicle like every one else’s. Why can’t this happen during the fertile times. Stupid body.
- Sadness: I don’t think this is ever going to work.
- Apathy: So what if we can’t have a baby. There is plenty more to life… right?
The nurse returns after talking with my doctor and thanks us for being patient. She explains that she does not usually work with injectables and is not comfortable making these calls without first talking to the doctor. HUGE PLUS for this new clinic! Then she says that Dr. Hope sends his apologies for not being here during this time (SECOND PLUS!) and that he would like me to start 10 days of Crinone and then return for another ultrasound.
I ask if the Crinone will make the 15 mm follicle go away and the nurse says that is the hope. Farewell follicle. I hope you were not “the one.”
Once safely back in the office I allow myself to have a good cry. There is so much I do not understand about this TTC journey. I wish there was a window into my body so I could peak in at my “lady parts” every day and see how they are doing. But there is not. So now I begin another near TWW (two week wait). In the meantime I will try to keep positive, rested and busy.
How do you keep busy while waiting?