Infertility comes with such a heavy price.
First is the mental anguish of not being able to do the one thing that our bodies were specifically designed for. Knowing that no matter how you try, you can’t will that ovary to ovulate. You can’t will the uterine lining to thicken. You can’t will your immune system to subside so your body can nurture. For all intensive purposes, my body cannot get pregnant on its own no matter what I do, think or feel.
Second is the toll infertility takes on the relationship. This week my body is so pumped full of progesterone that I’m bloated, have a yeast infection, am intensely crabby and now excess Crinone gel is exiting in a most disgusting fashion. I don’t want to be touched, but long to be fussed over. Mr. Husband stays back because he never knows what glance, comment or movement might send me into a rage or into a flood of tears. What’s worse is that my mind sits back and watches in horror as my body flies out of control. “Why am I doing this?” I think. “This is completely irrational.” Despite knowing it, I can’t get a handle on the situation.
The icing on the cake, though, is the financial price of infertility. I do not have infertility coverage and we are in a position where there is not time to wait and save. We have doctors saying make a baby now, or be prepared to face the real possibility of living childless forever.
We qualified for our first round of medication for free from Sereno’s Compassionate Care Program. For this I am extremely thankful – it saved us a lot of money. All the lab work, ultra sounds and IUI, however, will not be covered. And if the first month does not work, we will have to pay for medication the next month. My head spins when I look at the prices of everything. The financial burden looms.
Last week I was looking around our basement at all the stuff that sits unused and thought, if only I could sell all this… But a garage sale takes a lot of time to prepare for and often does not generate more than a hundred bucks or so. Craigslist is not always the best avenue to sell small things like cake pans, wine glasses and crafting supplies. But eBay…
A pack-rat since birth, I was afraid Mr. Husband might not be keen on the idea of selling our junk so I took the initiative. Two days ago I hauled up three cake pans and a cookie press and photographed them. When he asked what I was doing with the cookie press and pans I said I was selling them to make some money. I said we could save it for up upcoming move or maybe we could use it for me to go back to school when he was done. I did not say it could go towards the expense of having a baby, although I wanted to.
He thought about this for a day and then while eating dinner last night announced that he will sell some tools, a snow board and boots and some electronics that sit unloved. A hormonal mess at the time I did not realize the magnitude of what he was saying until this morning as I listed more cake pans – he is willing to part with things for me. The revelation made me cry.
Once at work, I wrote a post-it note and added it to my board.
A simple word that I must focus on when everything else seems so overwhelming. No matter where this journey takes us and no matter what the outcome, my husband loves me. Despite his telling me this countless times it did not sink in until this morning. Ovulation or not, baby or not, I still have the most amazing, perfect-for-me, man in the world. This, friends, makes all the difference.