This morning I woke up and stood in front of my closet. What should I wear? I have work today, a doctor’s appointment at 4, then a birthday party at 5. Not just any birthday party, though – a first year birthday party for our friends’ first born.
I remember when these friends told us they were expecting – they day they got their positive HPT. This was before I got sick. Before I was labeled as “potential lupus” and “infertile.” This was when I was, for all intents and purposes, normal. I had no idea what road lay ahead of us. I rejoiced in the news that these friends would become parents in 9 months.
Last night Mr. Husband and I went to Target to find a baby gift for the birthday boy. Much to my surprise, our Target had a terrible selection of baby things. At 6:30 on a Sunday night we didn’t have a lot of other options, so we drove a block to every infertile woman’s nightmare – Babies “R” Us.
As I pulled up I swore to myself that I would find joy in this experience. I would not cry. I would not say anything hateful. Together we wandered the isles, reminiscing on the toys we had as kids and sharing mutual disgust for all the “electronic” baby toys. “What ever happened to imagination?” we asked. “Our baby will have creative toys,” we said with resolve.
Being the token “Cat People” in our circle of friends we selected an adorable kitty toy that when a big green button is pushed, rolls across the floor, tail wagging behind it. Mr. Husband gushed over the kitty, “I want one!” he said with a laugh. I choked back tears. I wanted one, too.
Back at my closet I mulled over what to wear. Infertility treatments have packed nearly 10 pounds onto my petite frame. Many of my clothes do not fit. My face is in a constant state of breaking out. A lot of my hair fell out from a reaction to Clomid and Provera. It’s hard to look on the sunny side of infertility when every time you look in the mirror all you see are its tire tracks all over your body.
Dark blue wide legged jeans that accentuate my good curves and play down the less than desirable ones. A flowing black and white halter top that shows off my strong shoulders and arms. White platform sandals that make me feel tall. A pair of funky earrings. A white cardigan for the office. My Tina Fey glasses to make me feel smart. Lipstick to remind me to smile.
Breath deeply. Step outside. Begin day.