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Hot mess



I'm surrounded by babies. None of them are mine. Image snatched from:

Warning: In this post I abuse CAPS LOCK, I swear more than I should and I’m terribly angry. 

I’m a disaster. I can’t make it two hours without crying. Every time I look in the mirror I see infertility. I have more pimples than when I was 13. I am fat. I am tired. My head hurts.

When does it stop hurting? I just had a bust cycle. I can’t IMAGINE the agony you ladies who have lost a baby must go through. I am humbled by your ability to continue on.

I talked to Dr. Hope’s nurse today, who we shall call Samantha. Samantha said Dr. Hope does not want to see me until my next period – which is like four weeks or more away. Then they will scan me and consider if I can cycle again. I wanted to throw something at Samantha, but luckily she was just on the phone.

I don’t want another medicated cycle. I want IVF. And before that I want every damned test they can order to see what else could be wrong with me. Do I have natural killer cells? Test me! Do I have a clotting problem? TEST ME! I am ready to throw all our retirement at this doctor in hopes of making a baby and he says to WAIT??? This is hardly the American way. TAKE MY MONEY!

I’m oscillating between so angry, so sad and then so full of hate for myself that it is scary. This is not the kind of woman I am. I’m feisty. I’m funny. I’m a little to bothered by the sad things in the world. I’m a champion worrier. But I am not an angry, hate-filled person.

I have a wonderful group of ladies on Fertility Friend who have had to listen to me vent. They are so kind and supportive, but I’m pretty damn sure they are sitting at their computer thinking, “Chill the hell out Belle! Take a month off and then pick back up.”

I guess it boils down to me being a child. I want my damn baby. Everyone else around me has their baby. Everyone around me got to have their baby the good old-fashioned way. You know, with REAL SEX. It’s unfair. I want my baby now. I don’t want to sit patiently and wait. I don’t want to try 3 rounds of IUI and then move slowly  forward. I don’t want to wait until I lose a baby to do loss tests. I want to move forward now.

*waves fist full of money, credit cards and investments*

But I can’t. I live in a small city with few doctor options. Traveling to see a doctor is really not an option since I have to work. I am stuck in another holding pattern and it does not feel good.

This temper tantrum has a point, I promise.

Since I can’t do anything medically, I am going to TRY and channel this anger, this hatred, this fierce need to reproduce in more constructive ways. I’m going to learn about PCOS. I’m going to learn how changing my diet can help. I have read all sorts of stories from women with PCOS who started eating differently and wham-bam-bang they had normal periods and ovulated. I am the most obsessive, neurotic person I know when it comes to food (read: pescatarian, allergic to all sorts of stuff, health-nut). Surely I can do this, too.

So I ordered a book and paid out the arse for next day shipping. I will read the entire thing in the next three days and then I will wage all out war on my cysty, broken, fucked up ovaries that just a few weeks ago attacked my body.

There, I feel an ounce better. I’m going to walk home now and try my hardest not to yell at Mr. Husband.



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  1. Mo #
    August 23, 2011

    Awww…. 😦
    Listen, this is totally normal. It gets easier. I promise. One of the many docs I go to – Dr Twofer explained something to me when I waved a fistful of cash and unlimited insurance in his face, and since then I’ve been calmer. Here are his words of wisdom:
    Doctors are supposed to “first do no harm”. I won’t send you for an invasive test if it isn’t justified, because the risks involved outweigh the rewards. This is why we take it slowly. We rule things out, we go the least invasive road possible, because that is in the best interest of your body.
    Patience is hard earned in IF world. Most of us never get it right. But that’s a statement I hold on to when I feel like things aren’t going fast enough. This is in my best interest. First do no harm.
    Sending you huge hugs!

    • August 24, 2011

      Mo, this is 100% what I needed to hear. Patience is so damned hard, but I know it is hiding in me somewhere. Today will be better.

  2. August 23, 2011

    Awww I hope you feel better. I can totally relate to “I want my damn baby”!! I hear that

    MO – great advice, that really helped me too! I want to skip down the road of getting every test done ASAP so I can find out what the hell is up! My husband always said that he’s the brakes in our relationship. I’m ready to barrel down whatever course of action at the time has come across my radar and he’s more of a “let’s find out the risks and get more info” first type of person. Which is probably a good thing. Makes for “interesting” conversations though!

  3. August 23, 2011

    I just posted with the similar emotions! I’m 2 failed cycles in and not sure I can handle the emotional roller coaster again.

    • August 24, 2011

      I’m so sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. This is truly a horrible thing to deal with. Your post was much more elegantly written than mine, too. 🙂 I very much hope you have a sunnier day today and I look forward to reading your good news in time!

  4. August 24, 2011

    OMG I just have to say that I love that you used the word fuck. It is so damn cathartic.
    I want you to know that as a support here and on FF I am 100% NOT thinking you need to chill the hell put and pick up this gravy train next month/cycle. I can tell you that I understand 150% where you are coming from. If you want to see a hot mess of psychosis check out my posts from the first few months after Cullen died. I’m surprised I wasn’t committed. It was ALL I could think of every moment of every single day.. get pregnant again.. NOW. It consumed me for months and months and as much you probably don’t want to hear this, there simply was no stopping it. I can look back now and say with certainty that there was no person on this earth who could have convinced me to relax and ‘just let it happen’. And believe me a few people did try.. in response they got me blithering, crying and shouting at them that they have no idea what it is like to have such an ache, such a fierce desire, such a NEED.
    So my point is I get it. And I have no advice on how to quell the desire for a baby because in all honesty it is still very much my focus right now- even though some of the crazed urgency has changed over the past (nearly) year. My best advice is to let the tears fall as they come. Fight like hell for the medical care you seek and deserve. Don’t accept ‘no’ when it just doesn’t feel right. Channel that anger and frustration into your next plan and attack it with every bit of energy you have left. In the end, no matter what happens, you will know that you have done everything in your power bring home a child.
    And know that you have support out here in this great bit ‘internet place’ that will help see you through the days that follow. Pinky swear. ;o)

    • August 24, 2011

      Leslie, thank you for your encouragement. I hate that others understand what I feel (as it means others have lived it) but it is so comforting to know I’m not alone and that I’m not falling off my rocker! I have ready some of your posts from after you lost Cullen and I still can’t wrap my brain around the ache you must have experienced. You are an incredibly strong woman. I am feeling a little more “in control” today and am hoping I can plow through the next month and come out less cyst-filled and ready to try again. I also spoke with Mr. Husband about using this month to tackle our massive kitchen renovation. I love home improvement projects and I could not do them when I was full of swollen ovary. So every baby-less cloud has a silver lining (mine happens to be tile floors, new cabinets and some counter tops that don’t suck!) Thank you again for your kind words. I had no idea that I would find such support when I started this blog.

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