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Fresh air and fresh thoughts

09/07/2011

Belle

I am in San Diego this week on business. It is my first business trip in quite a while (my new job does not give me the opportunity to travel like I used to, which is sad in my opinion).

I spent yesterday having lunch with my coworkers and then wandering the San Diego Zoo by myself. I love doing things alone. It is something I don’t do  often enough and something I miss, tremendously. I enjoy seeing things with my eyes only and not having to find words to discuss them if I don’t want. On the flip-side, I love to strike up a conversation with an intriguing stranger while peering at the snuggly koala bears.

This morning I awoke rested and find myself wondering: why am I in such a hurry to have a baby? This could just be the California air talking, but there was a time I was on an airplane every-other month jetting out to visit new people and new places. There was a time I had so much vacation and sick time banked that I could take a month off and travel if I wanted. There was a time I had money in my account that was not being squirreled away for the next purchase of fertility medications.

There was a time I was tremendously happy with my life.

What changed? Why is it so critical now that I have a child? While I am determined to still travel, go back to school, start a new career in acupuncture,  life will still change after a baby enters our house. There will be another mouth to feed and care for. In a few years there will be another plane ticket to buy.

I know I am in a rush with the autoimmune issues, but am I going against the universe’s ultimate plan? When I leave life to the universe and just follow the cues amazing things happen in due time and with minimal pain. My journey to have a child has not been like this. It has been hurried, painful and emotionally exhausting. This morning I was able to give my coworkers a real smile, fix one guys collar* and then walk tall and proud to the coffee shop. I want to smile genuinely and walk tall and proud to my baby.   And if there is no baby, I want to be ok with that and let the universe guide me to my next destination.

How can I keep this mentality when I return? How can I tell my husband that I might want to back off the science and just give things time? How do I know that this is REALLY want I want and not just this amazing warm, fresh California air talking?

I have lots to think about this week, but first, off to find toothpicks to keep my eyes open while sitting through another bland marketing seminar 🙂

* I am constantly fixing people’s collars and I hope that strangers will fix mine when I’m walking around looking like I got dressed in the back of a car.

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3 Comments

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  1. Mo #
    September 7, 2011

    All of these questions are normal, and it’s easy that when you get away from things (especially after the physical trauma you’ve gone through) to just not want to go there any more.
    It’s also completely legit to want to take some time off.
    At the end of the day, just listen to your gut when you get home and do what it tells you. That’s the only thing we can do in these situations, I think.
    Have an awesome time in CA!

  2. September 8, 2011

    Whatever you decide… it will be just the right choice.

  3. September 8, 2011

    I go through these phases too…they just seem to be quick phases! 🙂

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