I am in San Diego this week on business. It is my first business trip in quite a while (my new job does not give me the opportunity to travel like I used to, which is sad in my opinion).
I spent yesterday having lunch with my coworkers and then wandering the San Diego Zoo by myself. I love doing things alone. It is something I don’t do often enough and something I miss, tremendously. I enjoy seeing things with my eyes only and not having to find words to discuss them if I don’t want. On the flip-side, I love to strike up a conversation with an intriguing stranger while peering at the snuggly koala bears.
This morning I awoke rested and find myself wondering: why am I in such a hurry to have a baby? This could just be the California air talking, but there was a time I was on an airplane every-other month jetting out to visit new people and new places. There was a time I had so much vacation and sick time banked that I could take a month off and travel if I wanted. There was a time I had money in my account that was not being squirreled away for the next purchase of fertility medications.
There was a time I was tremendously happy with my life.
What changed? Why is it so critical now that I have a child? While I am determined to still travel, go back to school, start a new career in acupuncture, life will still change after a baby enters our house. There will be another mouth to feed and care for. In a few years there will be another plane ticket to buy.
I know I am in a rush with the autoimmune issues, but am I going against the universe’s ultimate plan? When I leave life to the universe and just follow the cues amazing things happen in due time and with minimal pain. My journey to have a child has not been like this. It has been hurried, painful and emotionally exhausting. This morning I was able to give my coworkers a real smile, fix one guys collar* and then walk tall and proud to the coffee shop. I want to smile genuinely and walk tall and proud to my baby. And if there is no baby, I want to be ok with that and let the universe guide me to my next destination.
How can I keep this mentality when I return? How can I tell my husband that I might want to back off the science and just give things time? How do I know that this is REALLY want I want and not just this amazing warm, fresh California air talking?
I have lots to think about this week, but first, off to find toothpicks to keep my eyes open while sitting through another bland marketing seminar 🙂
* I am constantly fixing people’s collars and I hope that strangers will fix mine when I’m walking around looking like I got dressed in the back of a car.