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Well hello anxiety

09/14/2011

Belle

It’s back. The familiar anxious feeling I get when an appointment with Dr. Hope is around the corner. The urgent need to take an anxiety shit 20 minutes after every meal. That sucking feeling in my chest that leaves me feeling like I just climbed four flights of stairs but really all I have done is sat, paralyzed from the stress.

My next appointment is next Monday at 4:30 for a baseline ultrasound and to begin discussing our next step – IVF.

Currently the biggest source of my anxiety is how to handle the IVF discussion at work. I am so scared to tell my boss about what we are going through, and even more afraid to tell her it will cause me to miss more work. I have missed a lot due to the autoimmune issues and have already missed a good bit thanks to the OHSS and other fertility appointments.

I am terrified she will not accept my request and that if I choose to go through with IVF, that I will not be able to keep my job.

Not everyone understands the urgency and desperate desire to have a baby that comes with infertility. Some people actually view IVF it as an optional, rich-woman procedure. In my less-than-progressive state I have honestly heard people say this and I’m so afraid my boss will be one of those people.

This would be so easy if I had a store of sick time, or vacation time. I am MORE than willing to work flex hours or to even have my pay reduced for the hours I miss. I’m happy to switch to an hourly position from salary to make this easier. I’m also happy to work weekends to make up the time I miss if need be. But will this be enough? Will she understand our urgency and need?

It all makes my head spin and gives me a tension headache.

I’m terrified of having to have this discussion. Mr. Husband has agreed to come to the meeting and help keep me from falling apart. I feel that if we are both there we can better convey how much this means to us and how dedicated we both are to my job AND to having a family.

How have you handled the “work issue?”

Would I be insane to quit my job and take part-time work to make ends meet during this? I plan to return to school once Mr. Husband graduates next year and I do not intend to stay in this field. Or is this just the baby crazy talking?

Now if you will excuse me, I need to go take a dump for the fourth time today. At least anxiety days have the added benefit of a clean colon.

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7 Comments

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  1. September 14, 2011

    I work in a family business so luckily I did not have to deal with this issue. Not so luckily, i don’t get paid much (as in nothing at the moment) so I’d LOVE to find a new job where I actually make money. I personally wouldn’t make any decisions until you’ve spoken with your employer. Kinda see how it goes. I’m in a bit of a holding pattern too, as I don’t want to give up the flexibility for round 2, but I’m also so anxious to move on so that I can PAY for round 2. Good
    luck with which ever route you choose!

  2. September 14, 2011

    I don’t have any advice, just sending you good vibes and hoping your conversation with your boss goes well …!

  3. Mo #
    September 14, 2011

    I love how you end with your colon. Just sayin’ 🙂
    I think the fact that your boss is a woman helps things. I also think that all you can really do is be honest.
    You’re doing the usual thing we do in our situations – over thinking and coming up with 11 zillion contingencies. Chances are your boss will be really understanding. And if there’s an issue, I’ll bet you anything that whatever solution you come to together will be completely different than what you thought it would be.
    In other words, you’ll be fine!
    xoxo

    • September 15, 2011

      “You’re doing the usual thing we do in our situations – over thinking and coming up with 11 zillion contingencies.”

      Mo, you hit the nail on the head here. I am sure it will all work out. Worse case scenario, I am asked to leave my position and I take a part-time job a the co-op, which is something I have actually always wanted to do! Thank you all for your kindness, I’m feeling less stressy today.

  4. me #
    September 21, 2011

    IVF is difficult for anyone to understand let alone ourselves to understand. For some, IVF is the only way to have their first child. For some–it is the only way to have a second child. For my coworker–it too was the only way to have a second child but because work has their favorites–she was allowed to take 6 months off and still keep her MFin job! A woman who had premie triplets via surragacy? She wasn’t allowed to take ANY time off not even to visit her 3 in the hospital. As for me, I just found out that my AMH is 0.19 meaning I’m a dried up prune and donor eggs is the only chance of having a baby. Because you know, working in a stressful (and obviously biased job) and having this non-existant $16k is part of my life. I did tell my boss I’m starting infertility treatments but not to this degree (yet) because I know I don’t have $16k and I know they won’t give me 6 months off to be stress-free and have a baby.

    Amazing how the world treats everyone differently. Sorry for the all over the place comment. Just absorbing the news and in a boatload of pain. Thank you endometrosis.

    • September 21, 2011

      Hey lady, I’m so sorry to hear about your AMH. I know how earth-shattering it is to receive news that your body can’t do what so many others can. I’m sending you big hugs right now. It is terribly unfair how infertility is handled in the workplace, and how differently one woman is treated than the other. I only hope that through my little blog at least one Fertile learns what it is like to be our shoes and take this to heart when dealing with a real-life situation.

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