It’s back. The familiar anxious feeling I get when an appointment with Dr. Hope is around the corner. The urgent need to take an anxiety shit 20 minutes after every meal. That sucking feeling in my chest that leaves me feeling like I just climbed four flights of stairs but really all I have done is sat, paralyzed from the stress.
My next appointment is next Monday at 4:30 for a baseline ultrasound and to begin discussing our next step – IVF.
Currently the biggest source of my anxiety is how to handle the IVF discussion at work. I am so scared to tell my boss about what we are going through, and even more afraid to tell her it will cause me to miss more work. I have missed a lot due to the autoimmune issues and have already missed a good bit thanks to the OHSS and other fertility appointments.
I am terrified she will not accept my request and that if I choose to go through with IVF, that I will not be able to keep my job.
Not everyone understands the urgency and desperate desire to have a baby that comes with infertility. Some people actually view IVF it as an optional, rich-woman procedure. In my less-than-progressive state I have honestly heard people say this and I’m so afraid my boss will be one of those people.
This would be so easy if I had a store of sick time, or vacation time. I am MORE than willing to work flex hours or to even have my pay reduced for the hours I miss. I’m happy to switch to an hourly position from salary to make this easier. I’m also happy to work weekends to make up the time I miss if need be. But will this be enough? Will she understand our urgency and need?
It all makes my head spin and gives me a tension headache.
I’m terrified of having to have this discussion. Mr. Husband has agreed to come to the meeting and help keep me from falling apart. I feel that if we are both there we can better convey how much this means to us and how dedicated we both are to my job AND to having a family.
How have you handled the “work issue?”
Would I be insane to quit my job and take part-time work to make ends meet during this? I plan to return to school once Mr. Husband graduates next year and I do not intend to stay in this field. Or is this just the baby crazy talking?
Now if you will excuse me, I need to go take a dump for the fourth time today. At least anxiety days have the added benefit of a clean colon.