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Not for sexy-time

10/04/2011

Belle

Not your average salad dressing.

My friend Katie was the first person I told about our struggles with infertility. Katie has also been in the trenches of infertility and today has an adorable baby boy to show for her struggles. Together we lament the woes of ovarian cysts, the terror of heavy periods and the anxiety that accompanies a 90 day cycle.

Recently we went to visit Katie and her husband to help them cut up a large tree that fell. (Mr. Husband loves any opportunity to share a power tool). While the men folk grunted and cut things up, us women folk hung out in the kitchen. “Oh! I have something for you!”

She scurried into the living room and retrieved a tiny, travel-sized bottle of yellowish liquid.

“This is oil that has been blessed by monks. You can see how little I used before I got pregnant,” she said as she gestured at the 1/8 of an inch of oil missing from the bottle. “Now you get to use it.”

I took the bottle and thanked her for sharing this with a fellow infertile. Coming from anyone else I would have chalked this up to badger blood advice*. Katie, however, was finally successful after having suffered through terrible infertility treatments and surgeries so she is allowed to be a little superstitious.

When Mr. Husband came in (all looking like the Brawny paper towel man after cutting up a big tree) I showed him the oil. “Look what Katie gave us to help make a baby,” I said in a seductive voice with a little nudge nudge wink wink. “It’s oil blessed by monks for us to use to help make a baby.” And then, when I was not getting much of a response I said, “Sexy TIME!”

Katie looked horrified. “Um, it’s blessed by monks. It’s meant to be rubbed on your belly. Not used for, um, that….” she said. Mr. Husband started laughing and gave me a look that clearly said “Shut it you heathen!” (I have received this look MANY times in my loud-mouthed life having been raised by parents who don’t believe in anything accept death and taxes).

My face reddened. REALLY? The monks did not bless this oil with the intention of it being sensually slathered all over our hot bodies?

“Right, right,” I said sheepishly. “Sacred oil, not sexy oil.”

This was three weeks ago. I still have not used it because I’m not exactly sure at what point in the game I’m supposed to break it out. Nor am I certain how I can use it without offending any higher being… And I’m afraid I’ll smell like olive oil and that just isn’t sexy at all, now is it?

*Badger Blood Advice: that ridiculous, impossible advice do-gooders who can make babies the normal way give you. The ones that tell you that if you slather badger blood on your belly or rub your head and pat your partners bum while “baby dancing” you will get knocked-up (maybe more like knocked-out?) or something asinine like that.

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5 Comments

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  1. October 4, 2011

    LOVE this post…too funny! My Badger Blood Advice (cause you know I’ve been wanting to give some) AND from a relative (GASP!! It can’t get any worse than THAT!) is…..go talk to your FIRST cousin who was infertile for 13 years, had tried everything monetarily and scientifically possible to conceive, then threw in the towel AND THEN..days before signing ADOPTION papers found out she was pregnant…WITH TWINS!! (are you lovin the caps yet?) Glad it’s just BBA and makes nooo sense whatsoever! Ahhh…finally I get to use abbreviated letters for something I know..cause let me tell you all…I have the slightest idea what most of those “big, bold letters” mean. Belle, maybe you should have a little box in the corner that defines these terms for us newbies…like a blog key or something. XOXO

  2. October 5, 2011

    I totally thought the oil was meant to be used as a ph-balanced, sperm-friendly lube up until you revealed its true purpose. Whoops!!!

  3. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row #
    October 5, 2011

    OOOPS! I totally see where you got the idea, though. LOL. Is it magical, anti-stretch mark oil?

  4. Mo #
    October 5, 2011

    LOL that’s hilarious! 🙂

  5. October 8, 2011

    I’m a huge fan of badger blood!

    Maybe it’s not sacrilege if you rub it on your belly after sexy time? Or maybe it would need time to do its magic and you should rub it on before…

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