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Seeing red

10/10/2011

Belle

Last night I laid in bed panicky and itchy. My heart and mind were running a marathon around worry and fear. What does 31 hold? More heartache and anguish? I know this is a tremendously negative thought, but today, it is all I can focus on.

This morning, I can’t stop crying. I yelled at Mr. Husband. I yelled at the cats (granted, one pooped in the tub yesterday, but they are my cats. I should not yell at them). I yelled at myself.

I’m angry at myself for letting things get this way. I’m angry that I waited so long to try for my baby. I’m angry that I can’t give Mr. Husband what he wants and deserves. I’m angry that my pants still don’t fit and that my new pants are tight. I’m angry that I am still in a job that leaves me bored and empty.

I’m angry that the only people I can say these things to are you. 

Don’t take that the wrong way, dear readers. I love each and every one of you. I love that we get to share our journey with one another and I love that when we falter, someone is always there, fingers poised above a keyboard, to bail us out.

I’m angry that we can only find this support here – in a virtual world of acronyms and emoticons. I’m angry that we can’t sit down for supper together or gather for a craft night. I’m angry that when a miscarriage happens, all I can do is type *big hugs.* I’m angry that I’m crying on my birthday and there is no one to apply a real hug and stop the tears.

I’m angry that when I do talk to real people about infertility I play the “happy and together lady.” Why do I do that? Because I’m proud. I don’t want the fertiles to know how much it hurts. I want them to think I am tough. I am terrified of their pity glances if I continue to fail.

I’m angry that I have no way to end this post. It’s my birthday and I feel sad, angry and stuck in life and a blog entry.

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7 Comments

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  1. October 10, 2011

    I haven’t set up a WP account yet so I can’t “like” this post but I would if I could, for your raw honesty. You’re allowed to be angry and good for you for feeling and expressing that anger, even if just in writing. I very much *dislike* birthday tears, but can certainly relate to them and to everything you have written here. Especially putting up the brave front for fertile friends. Personally, I do that in an attempt to “fake it ’til I make it” hoping that one day I really will be as tough as I pretend to be. Although it’s a sad substitute for the real thing, I am sending *big hugs* to you across the miles and sincere hopes that you find some joy today and have a happy birthday.

  2. October 10, 2011

    I am so sorry that today has brought you this angst.. and I completely understand it. I assure you that you are not alone… and like you I have often wished to have closer real life connections to people who truly understand. Why can we all just live in self created communes!!? ;o)

  3. Mo #
    October 10, 2011

    I know hon. I do. This sucks. Sometimes you just have to get pissed.
    But I want to tell you something: You don’t HAVE to play happy to your “real life” friends. Screw pride. Seriously.
    Apart from starting my blog and getting a universe of support through it, the smartest thing I did was to share my pain with those closest to me. They didn’t always understand, because they’d never been there, but they tried. They listened. They still do. They cry with me and rage with me, and it makes me feel less alone.
    Don’t be afraid to reach out to people in your life, they may surprise you. It isn’t a crime to show pain and weakness (and I learned that the hard way).
    Sending you huge hugs. (yep!) Here’s hoping that by the time 32 rolls around, you’ll be holding a baby in your arms (or at least patting an ever-growing bump).
    xoxo

  4. October 10, 2011

    I agree that sometimes you do have to get pissed. And its okay. And I understand what you mean about playing the “together” part. “Oh, it happens, we’ll try again, it’ll be fine”. And as I’m saying those words, I know damn well that its not true. I’m not fine with it and I don’t care if “it happens”. IT SUCKS. I really try to only do this with the people that I don’t know too well though. Like the lady that lives down the street that somehow through neighborhood gossip found out about both my IVF, my pregnancy and my miscarriage…Sorry lady, I appreciate your concern but I don’t want to talk about this and get deep with you right now…ok back on subject, I DO try and confide in my closest friends even though I know that they can never understand. But at least they know what is going on with me. It’s so hard NOT for me to close myself off, and I really have to make an effort. Unfortunately the only thing you have to watch out for is those who try to make you feel better by sharing thier own stories, and you end up looking at them like, “are you serious?? Youre concern of whether or not to go off BC cus your just not sure if youre ready for another” is NOTHING like my problem…BUT, most times, I feel better for it. Anyway, I know its easier said than done, but like MO said, some people will suprise you. I hope that you feel better and that you end up having a good day. You deserve it.

  5. Molly Arnott #
    October 10, 2011

    Well i just started following your blog last week and this post has me instantly bonded to you. I spene my entire weekend crying and yelling at the wrong people. I’m so pissed at the world for facing me with this. It’s such bullsh*t. Cracked out drug addicts get pregnant every day but you and me, nooooooooooooo. We have to spend our lifes savings for even some hope. It’s not fair, and I’m so sorry you have to be in this place on your birthday. I really hope you find something to distract yourself from the pain today. Just know…. you’re not alone. Miles and miles away, we’re in it together!

    • October 10, 2011

      Hey Molly, Thank you for your kind words. I’m sad such a terrible thing is what has brought us together, but am glad that we can help one another feel less alone!

  6. Sarah Lindenfeld #
    October 10, 2011

    Belle, I followed you over from FF (ECBCgirl) and have been seeing your journey unfold. I am so, so sorry that you are feeling this way on your birthday. We are all here to give you cyber-hugs, but it’s not the real thing, and we all know that. There’s nothing wrong with yelling at Mr. Husband occasionally (just not all the time!). He can put up with a lot, as long as he knows you’re not really yelling *at* him, but *to* him (or at least that makes a big difference in my household).

    If you do feel up to letting down your “super together face” with a friend or two, and I know it’s a big chance to take, you might find some surprise support where you didn’t expect it. Of course it’s always a risk, because you could find someone who really doesn’t get it.

    Sending you lots of hugs today and hoping that things start to look up for you soon!

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