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I’m sorry I missed your call.

10/20/2011

Belle

I’ve been trying to ignore this, but it’s becoming impossible.

I have ignored phone calls the past few weeks (yes, more so than usual). I have left emails with cheery subject lines unopened. I have blocked people from Facebook.

Why? Because I fear someone is going to tell me they are pregnant.

Is this not the most irrational thing ever? It is one thing to lick your wounds about another’s pregnancy with a shopping spree or chocolate.  It is ok to be angry that everyone but you is fertile. It is healthy to cry.

It is not healthy, rational or ok to become a hermit and avoid friends and family because you fear that at any moment someone close will drop a baby bomb.  I read blogs of women surrounded by pregnant sisters, in-laws and friends and my heart aches for them. My fingers stumble around on the keyboard as I try to type words that will comfort them. I usually delete them all and give up. What can be said to help this pain?

Late at night these posts infiltrate my dreams. There I am, sitting on my cute white floral loveseat in my lovely, 100% not child friendly living room talking to my brother in New York and he says the dreaded words: we are pregnant. And then I wake up soaked in sweat and choking on tears.

It is worse than the childhood monster-under-the-bed fear. Why? Because this could really happen and I am not ready for it.

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9 Comments

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  1. Molly Arnott #
    October 20, 2011

    Maybe not rational or ok, but I TOTALLY get it. I recently had a nightmare that my best friend announced they’re pregnant and I woke up sobbing. I honestly don’t know what I’d do if someone really close to me announced they were pregnant. I watched high school friends and others on FB announce it, that alone can throw me into a 3 day crying under the covers fit…. but someone close to me? I know what you mean, and I get it. I give you TOTAL permission to ignore everyone if its what you need to do!

  2. October 20, 2011

    I went through this for a long period of time.. truth said it still sting a bit every time I hear of a new one.
    I get it girl….
    xo

  3. October 20, 2011

    Oh sweetie, I get it. Most of the time though I block people after finding out they are pregnant.

    I don’t know that I would have the right words to say to someone who is surrounded by sisters, in-laws and friends who are pregnant. Seeing as I’m in that place now, I think the only way to comfort them (us) is to understand and validate their pain and frustration at being infertile.

    (((HUGS)))

  4. October 21, 2011

    Oh I totally relate! An IF pal texted me tonight with a warning to stay away from FB today. She actually advised just deleting the whole thing. I haven’t deleted FB yet, but deleted a lot of people (that was liberating!!!!) and pretty much never log on to FB. I did however post bunch of stuff about pregnancy loss awareness and IF (also liberating).

    Your nightmare actaully happens to me all the time. 😦 My IF pal was trying to warn me that a co-worker posted she is due in April (her son will be a year old in December). I didn’t look on FB….there is probably a songram picture there. OUCH! I of course started getting angry and cried about it, not because I am not happy for her, but I am still bleeding from my D & C and greiving. Hubs told me that I need to start being happy for other people. That didn’t go well…I just want him to be okay with me feeling sad and angry sometimes.

    (((HUGS)))

  5. Mo #
    October 21, 2011

    I get it, I really really do. My husband has a friend who I used to talk to all the time. She’s 5 months along and I can’t bear to speak with her, let alone be in the same room with her.
    But answer the phone. As hard as it is, not all of your friends will be knocked up. And if one does get preggo, we’ll be here to hold your hand.

  6. October 21, 2011

    Oh dear cousin, I am so happy you have the support of the women on this blog. They are so wonderful!
    I wonder (and maybe some of them/you would be able to answer this) does it help with these feelings when friends and family KNOW you are having fertility issues? So suppose your brother did call and tell you his “good” news. He would expect a response that you wouldn’t be able to give because of what is going on with you. If he did know, your communication about it would be more real because he (and I am using him as an example but it could be any one of your friends or family) would realize this may be a bittersweet situation for you. There would be a level of compassion not there otherwise….for both parties. I am wondering if by freeing yourself of this secret you will then release fear. (nightmares, anxiety, etc)

  7. October 21, 2011

    I have done this too. It may not be normal but it protect us from more heartbreak, jealousy and bad feelings.

    I do agree with Faith, your cousin though. My closest family and friends knows and it has helped a lot in the communication. I have been lapped already by my own sister. That does hurt but she can also understand better if I’m not up for talking much during a period of time i.e after failed ivf.

  8. November 3, 2011

    I fear I might get this kind of call from my brother any day now. I don’t wish IF on anyone, yet I still have trouble coping when someone announces yet another pregnancy.

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