I’ve been trying to ignore this, but it’s becoming impossible.
I have ignored phone calls the past few weeks (yes, more so than usual). I have left emails with cheery subject lines unopened. I have blocked people from Facebook.
Why? Because I fear someone is going to tell me they are pregnant.
Is this not the most irrational thing ever? It is one thing to lick your wounds about another’s pregnancy with a shopping spree or chocolate. It is ok to be angry that everyone but you is fertile. It is healthy to cry.
It is not healthy, rational or ok to become a hermit and avoid friends and family because you fear that at any moment someone close will drop a baby bomb. I read blogs of women surrounded by pregnant sisters, in-laws and friends and my heart aches for them. My fingers stumble around on the keyboard as I try to type words that will comfort them. I usually delete them all and give up. What can be said to help this pain?
Late at night these posts infiltrate my dreams. There I am, sitting on my cute white floral loveseat in my lovely, 100% not child friendly living room talking to my brother in New York and he says the dreaded words: we are pregnant. And then I wake up soaked in sweat and choking on tears.
It is worse than the childhood monster-under-the-bed fear. Why? Because this could really happen and I am not ready for it.