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This is when I throw a tantrum

10/24/2011

Belle

How I feel.

 

Hi, bear with me or skip this completely. I’m having a bad evening, am crying and am likely over reacting.

I called the clinic and got my E2 level for today. It was 79. Based on what Google is telling me, this means I’m growing crappy eggs, if any eggs at all, and that the cycle will likely be canceled. Which puts me back at my previously predicted annual ovulation rate of ONE.

Begin tantrum.

Since I’m a masochist, let’s do the financial breakdown, shall we?

12 days of Gonal-F (37.5 iu) = $372
3 ultrasounds = $405
Total expenditure (worthless financial hemorrhage) = $777.

Lucky 7 my ass.

I know I was telling everyone I was remaining detached this cycle, but, I was lying. I wanted this to work so I could tell our parents over Christmas. What a great fucking gift that would have been! Too bad!

I don’t want to do IVF. I don’t want to spend our retirement on something that might not happen. I am scared to death they will suck out my eggs just to find that they are defective like the rest of me. I am scared that all they will suck out of the follicles will be gobs of Kool-Aid colored juice like they drained from my abdomen during the last cycle.

I’m scared of having to tell my parents, who now know and are eagerly awaiting their grand baby, that I failed them. I should have never told them. I want to make alternative plans for Thanksgiving. I don’t think this is the year for me to visit happy family who will all peer suspiciously at my bloated infertility belly.

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12 Comments

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  1. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row #
    October 24, 2011

    YOU DIDN’T FAIL ANYONE.

    I am so sorry that you are having a bad day, sweetie. And it’s okay that you aren’t detached. This is your body, your hopes and your dreams.

    But do not feel like you failed them. You didn’t get pregnant and then throw yourself down a flight of stairs whilst drunk. Your body is just not cooperating.

    Let them love you and console you like we are. Ok? Or, come to LV and drink with me for Thanksgiving. Your choice.

  2. October 24, 2011

    You didn’t fail anyone. You were excited about a new cycle and so you shared the news with family, as anyone would have done.

    I think we all detach ourselves from the scary or unknown, because if we are not attached, we are not emotionally invested, and if we are not emotionally invested, we can’t get hurt. But with something like treatment (or adoption)- its much harder than it sounds…because we want it to work. We want to be the ones to share our news during the holidays.

    Like Rachel said, let your family love on you and console you. I’m so sorry sweetie ((((HUGS)))) to you.

  3. October 25, 2011

    Belle, I’m so, so sorry you’re feeling like this. I know it’s really hard not to get your hopes up even when you’re determined not to get your hopes up. And then that jerk Google just dashes your dreams to pieces.

    I know it’s hard when you feel like you’re failing everyone else. And it’s hard to always remember that you’re not doing all of this for them, you doing it for yourself, but you’re not failing yourself either. It’s not your fault.

    I want to be able to say all these great, supportive things to you and help you feel better, but it feels so hollow, since these feelings are what’s causing me the most difficulties right now, and I can’t convince myself that it’s okay. Just know that it’s not your fault, and you’re not alone.

  4. October 25, 2011

    I know we don’t know each other, but I wish I could hug you right now. You didn’t fail anyone! Talk with your family. Let them know the situation even if you don’t want to talk about it much. Just let them know that. Hopefully they will just be there for you in the way you want them too. I always have to remind myself that they can’t read my mind so I need to tell them exactly what I need. If you need to take a break from family gatherings then do it! Take care of you! Your family will understand.

  5. October 25, 2011

    Ugh, what a perfect image. I’m so sorry to hear about this, it’s so frustrating. Also it’s compounded by having told people about it and this feeling of failure you’re describing… But just like everyone else said, you didn’t fail anyone. And don’t forget to do something nice for yourself asap!

  6. October 25, 2011

    Oh Belle, I am so sorry you are feeling so down! Dr. Google is pure evil.

    You did not fail anyone. This is NOT your fault. If all it took was a desire to have children then you would be big and pregnant by now, but nature is cruel. It has nothing to do with you. You have proved time and time again how much you want a baby and I feel certain that somehow you will get one.

    Hang in there! I’ll be thinking about you!

  7. October 25, 2011

    Oh Google is a slippery slope. We all go to Google sometimes, but it usually spells uneeded anxiety. I try my best to stay far far away from Google. Hang in there, and know as everyone said you did not fail anyone. IF just sucks!!!!

  8. October 25, 2011

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I hate Dr. Google ….I waste hours and freak myself out!

    Hope you feel better soon

  9. October 25, 2011

    Fuckity fuck I am sorry Belle. As everyone here has said please know that you are NOT a failure nor did you fail anyone. I wish I had better words to ease the frustration and pain, but I offer my support and my ears.. always listening and always reading.

  10. October 25, 2011

    Oh Crap. This is so cruel, I’m so sorry you have to go through all this. And I agree, it’s not your fault. Not at all, okay! Hugs.

  11. Laura #
    October 25, 2011

    Why or why do we have to live so far apart. I really need someone to work out that teleportation machine for us. I am so so sorry that this cycle is not working out right and I’m sorry that Dr. Google has made things worse…he is pretty nasty like that. As far as failure, you have failed no one, no one at all. You are going to be a beautiful preggers lady…it’s gonna happen, I have deemed it so! As far as holidays, you should do whatever is best for you and bird. If no family time is the answer then so be it or if “adopted” family time is best you know you are always more than welcome at casa de G, there’s even enough bedrooms šŸ™‚ I love you lady! internet *hugs* for now, really ones are coming soon!!

  12. October 25, 2011

    Its just not fair. I’m sorry you have to go through this, its total BS and again, NOT FAIR! *hugs*

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