Halloween was a really big deal when I was a child. My mom was a costume designer for one of the largest costume stores in the Southeast so my brother and I were always in show-stopping costumes. Some of my favorite costumes to date were: a star (me), a mermaid (me), a rabbit-in-a-hat (mom), Shredder from Teanage Mutant Ninja Turtles (brother), a spider (brother) and Robin Hood and Maid Marian (brother and me). As a grownup, Halloween remains a big deal. While my costumes are less elaborate now that I don’t have mom’s sewing abilities at my beck-and-call, they are still pretty darn creative, if I do say so myself.
I love costumes. I love disappearing into an alternate identity for one night of risque fun. I love dressing up for events. I love dressing in costumes during non-costume appropriate months. I love makeup and hair dye. I love to tweak my appearance from the girl next door to something new, wild and unexpected.
This year, though, Halloween was different. My friends have children of their own and were busy dressing their small ones up and parading them around neighborhoods. The racy adult parties of my past have faded into distant memories as my friends celebrate Halloween in boring, G-rated style.
This year Mr. Husband and I did not dress up. I didn’t even realize it was Halloween until I was at the hospital getting my blood drawn for yet another E2 test and Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz trotted by. This week Facebook is littered with photos of happy families in costume with their children. There are photos of little kids sitting around tables sorting candy. There are photos of parents cooing over tiny babies dressed as bananas and dinosaurs. All these photos bring back memories of my childhood and make me absolutely ache to have my own little kids to dress as monsters and bugs (yes, I want to dress my babies as bugs. Because bugs are cute. And babies are cute. And OMGah! The cuteness that baby bugs would be is just overwhelming).
I’m sad this Halloween. Not crying-in-my-soup sad, but quiet-in-the-corner sad. When the day comes that we get our little baby, will our friends be over Halloween? Will they not be interested in my baby bugs? Part of me worries that by the time we get our baby, everyone will have moved on to elementary school and not have time, nor energy for our new family. Part of me worries I will never get my baby, and Halloween might be forever tainted and sad.
Update on my brother: As of this morning he is still passing blood in his stool and experiencing terrible pain. He is having a colonoscopy and a CT scan of his intestines in an hour or so. Hopefully we will have answers soon. Last year at this time I was hospitalized due to uveitis and “potential lupus.” This year at nearly the exact same time my brother is hospitalized. I would be lying if I said I was not afraid.