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The good, the bad, the sad

11/09/2011

Belle

Stocking! Now I just need Thanksgiving to hurry up and end so I can put up the tree!

The good

Last night I baked homemade pumpkin bread. Usually this entails three cups of sugar and an alarming cup of oil. Determined to at least make moderately healthy baked goods, I reduced the sugar to two cups and the oil to half a cup. I substituted plain yogurt for the rest of the oil and used 2/3 white wheat flour and 1/3 spelt four. The resulting bread was delicious, moist, delicately sweet and had a delightfully crispy crust. Mr. Husband gave it two forks up and asked for a second piece.

I also finished sewing myself a Christmas stocking. I’m just thrilled about the finished product. I photographed it hanging off my mantle with our little Thanksgiving decor. I love mixing seasons.

The bad

My little bro (who I affectionately call Hermano even though we are Scottish) is still in the hospital. His saga is long, drawn out and exhausting for all parties involved. Bottom line is they still don’t know what is wrong with him. The swelling in his colon has gone down and the bleeding stopped. He is able to eat and not vomit, but  now his blood is all messed up and his platelets are down to 17 and his hemoglobin is way down. Late last night he got a transfer to the larger hospital in Manhattan where even more specialists can poke him, suck his blood and scan his body. I desperately want to be there, but am having a hard time leaving work and Mr. Husband. I know so many of you are fighting your own battles right now, but if you have a moment and an extra ounce of energy to muster, please send him some healing thoughts. Hermano and I are very close. I can’t bear to think of him in pain.

The sad

Today is something like day four post ovulation and I’m sad. I have been debating writing this for a while now, but didn’t out because I don’t want to hurt feelings. But this is my little  space where I can come to escape and share the things that run through my mind. This is my safe room. And so I am sad because I am being lapped by my infertiles. The past four weeks have brought a wash of pregnancy announcements from so many of the blogs I follow. I rejoice with these woman and their accomplishments. Some have been through so much and fought for so many years. These positive tests are such a beautiful, inspiring thing to those of us still in the trenches.

These announcements are also reminders that I am lagging behind and that makes me sad. Hopefully when the progesterone fog clears I can muck my way through these emotions a little better and come out happy again. In the meantime, please don’t be offended if I comment a little less than usual. I’m still reading. I’m still incredibly happy for you and sending all kinds of good thoughts for healthy pregnancies. I am just having a hard time finding the words to express this happiness. I hope you understand.

The symptoms

I get occasional pinches and stabby feelings in my lower lady parts, but don’t know if it is a medication side effect, pregnancy sign or the fact that I have been massively constipated the past three days. (TMI again, I know) I have remedied the poo problems with a couple of shots of Milk of Magnesia last night *gag* but know it is only a temporary fix until this cycle ends. Otherwise, my bo.obies are a little sore and my nips are still angry. The shower damn near killed them today.

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9 Comments

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  1. November 9, 2011

    Oh honey I know exactly what you mean about reading all of the damn announcements. Last year there were three of us in my large group of bereaved mothers who all got pregnant at the same time. I was the only one who’s pregnancy ended in yet another miscarriage. Then I watched what felt like every other woman get pregnant around me. That was around the time I began seeing my 2nd RE. It is such a difficult path Belle.. and I completely understand how much each BFP feels like a knife to the heart. I just recently watched these women bring those babies home during the beginning of my own IVF. Oh the irony.
    I don’t think any of these women expects you to comment on these blogs (my own included). Please know that, and be gentle on yourself. Know too that those of us who care will still be reading along here and hoping for you.. for that moment you deserve all too well.

  2. November 9, 2011

    PS love the stocking and am sending your brother my thoughts and light…

  3. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row #
    November 9, 2011

    Everything Leslie said. Hang in there, I feel your pain on many many levels. Praying for your fam!

  4. November 9, 2011

    I know exactly how you feel. 😦 I’m so sorry you’re feeling sad….just try and remember that even though it seems like it, you’re certainly not alone (I’m right there with you).

    On the upside, that stocking is fabulous! Nice work! I also wish Thanksgiving would hurry up and get over so I can put up the tree. I seriously almost put it up last weekend.

  5. November 10, 2011

    First of all, thinking of your Hermano and sending him lots of positive energy and prayers. Second, I know what you mean about the BFP’s, it is so difficult when you’re still in the IF trenches. When a fellow IF gal gets the BFP I do my very best to remember she’s an infertile who was able to get pregnant and that has to be a glimmer of hope for me, right? Hugs! Jenna

  6. November 10, 2011

    Praying so hard for a full and speedy recovery for your brother.

    I don’t think I can say anything that hasn’t already been said so perfectly. We love you and are here for you keeping hope even if you lose it for a little bit.

    That stocking is so cool! Great job!

  7. November 10, 2011

    I’m glad you did feel comfortable posting the sad in the end.. You are not alone in those feelings! But I agree with another commenter… I haven’t been reading IF blogs long, but I’m trying to take these BFPs as signs of hope for myself, too.

    Sending positive and healing vibes to your brother…

  8. November 10, 2011

    I’m so sorry about your brother, that must be so scary. Sending good, positive thoughts to both of you.

    Please don’t feel bad having those feelings about BFP’s. There really have been a wash of them lately and this is what I have been trying to say.. I totally understand if you need to step away from these blogs (mine included). I think I would have had to do that myself if things were different.

  9. 2berrys #
    November 15, 2011

    Re: the bad – I’m so sorry to hear this. Sending good thoughts…
    Re: the sad – I TOTALLY get you on this one…same boat.

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