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Is this living?

11/16/2011

Belle

Taken many years ago while ghost hunting in Tuscaloosa, Ala.

#FreeAnissa writes such powerful blog entries. She is an incredible woman who has been through way more than I can fathom, yet still maintains an optimistic outlook. Over the weekend she wrote about living life to the fullest. She says:

“I’m thankful I had my strokes when I did.
I don’t mean I’m glad I had strokes. And I definitely could have waited years before becoming handicapped.
But if I was going to have strokes, I’m glad that I got to have some of the experiences I did FIRST.”

Up until infertility I dedicated each day to living to the fullest. I never turned down an invitation. I traveled. I adventured. I lived and I loved. It was a wonderful life. Then I got sick, life changed and a little bit of this care-free mentality died. Then I was diagnosed “infertile” and told I will never conceive a baby without the help of science. What remained of that ability to live fully evaporated. Life became a hectic dance between health and wellness, fertility and infertility, love and war, happiness and sadness.

I’m stuck in a holding pattern while waiting on something that may never happen. I’m circling above, watching as everyone’s life moves on and mine stays static. What I’m doing hardly feels like “living” did back in my care-free days. In the past month: my brother has become very sick, two coworkers have developed terminal cancer, one friend has miscarried and another friend had to book an appointment at Mayo Clinic after her doctors said “there is nothing we can do to save you.”

Life is so short.

Today is CD 38. I have taken HPT’s daily since my trigger on Nov. 4, minus the days while in NYC. It is still a few days too early to be sure, but I suspect this cycle is also a bust. Do I want to go another round in January? Or am I ready to hang it up and live again?

Such a hard decision since people don’t come with expiration dates.

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3 Comments

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  1. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row #
    November 16, 2011

    Such a hard decision since people don’t come with expiration dates.

    So true.

    I say let your energy guide you…and know that you are being true to all that you know.

    xo

  2. November 17, 2011

    It is all so hard Belle.. but we are here to listen as you work your way through your decision.
    I just want you to know that I am thinking of your brother and my heart is heavy for your friends. Sending love and light……

  3. November 17, 2011

    Powerful stuff. I think you will know what’s right when the moment comes for making the decision. I’m sorry you have to experience all this with people close to you.

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