Hello all! This is my first time participating in ICLW and I am super excited to meet new IFers and read new, inspiring stories! First, let me introduce myself:
Today was my official test day after a painfully long round of injects. Despite daily testing and daily BFNs, I had a lot of hope for this cycle. I woke up at 3 a.m. this morning ready to test. “This is it! I’m going to be a late implanter and have the best Thanksgiving ever,” I thought as I opened my gourmet pee stick (I save my best pee sticks for last). Three minutes later there was no second line. I took the pee stick back to bed with me. “Maybe it will be a BFP when I wake up,” I thought as I set it on my nightstand. At 4:30 a.m. the damn pee stick was still a BFN and I was done trying to sleep.
Until today, IVF was just a Plan B. Plan B is a lot less scary than “the plan.”
I’m terrified of IVF. I’m so scared of what it will do to my body. I’m terrified of the truckload of medications and of the raging hormonal mess I will be. I am afraid of how it will affect my work and my creativity.
The price tag also makes me sick. And now I need to confess: I have not been completely honest with you, blogosphere.
My in-laws are paying for my infertility. Yes, I know how lucky I am that we don’t have to take a loan, use savings or borrow against our house.
I also know I have to live with the knowledge that if this does not work, I have taken thousands of dollars from my in-laws and returned nothing. I will have to live knowing that I, much like a bad stock, was the investment that did not pan out. My mother-in-law assures me that she would rather give us the money now to put towards a good cause than wait till she dies, but that still does not comfort me. They could use this money now for a much lower risk investment with a higher return.
With my track record, I am far from a low risk investment.
There is a metallic taste in my mouth every time I think about this. Tomorrow I fly to Arizona to spend the holiday with my in-laws. At some point during this stay infertility will have to be discussed. I will have to admit that the last $750 IUI failed and that yes, I will be sending them a bill for thousands more in January. And no, I can’t promise them a return on their investment.