While researching IVF/FET I stumbled upon information on embryo donation and embryo adoption.
At first I had day dreams of having embryos left over and giving another couple, or an individual, the chance at her/their own child. What a glorious and noble dream!
Last night, though, that tune changed and I found myself unable to sleep. My mind raced around a question my cousin posed when I visited her two years ago, well before Mr. Husband and I had even tossed the birth control.
“With our crazy family history, I wonder if we should even be passing on our genes?” she asked.
Even then this put a lump in my throat. Last night I sat in the guest bedroom crying, wondering if we were making the right decision by chosing to go through IVF?
Hear me out: I have autoimmune disease. I have bunions. I have anxiety. I come from people with a history of mental health problems and addiction, with cancer and multiple sclerosis, with obesity, joint problems, and infertility. This is my blog, not Mr. Husband’s, so I won’t detail the traits and medical history from his side that might worry us, but suffice to say, we all have some genetic baggage.
Last night I could not get my cousins voice out of my head. Do I really want to do this to a child? Is this even humane? Could I be infertile for a reason? Could the universe be telling me I am not supposed to continue this line of dysfunction?
I have been reading profiles of families offering embryos for adoption and I see people listing a slew of traits I wish we offered: no known health problems, athletic, graduate degrees, Magna Cum Laude, beautiful, etc. What would my profile look like? Artistic, writer, athletically challenged, Bachelor’s degree, C student, autoimmune, joint problems, thinning hair, poor eyesight, etc.
I have not talked to Mr. Husband about this. He is so busy looking for jobs right now that I’m not sure he is ready for this lump of shit to be dropped on his plate.
I just don’t know what to do. Next week my period is due to start and I am to go for my SHG test and then begin the round of birth control pills before the official cycle begins.
I am overwhelmed and feel there is nowhere to turn for answers to these questions that seem so vile I don’t know if I can even read them out loud.