First things first: Thank you all for taking time to leave such kind, beautifully worded comments on my previous post. You all had so many wonderful points that once again put my mind at ease. Sometimes I don’t know what I would do if I did not have this community. More thoughts on my decision follows.
Back when I was single I would take what I called “Mental Days” from work. On these days I would call in for no other reason than to live spontaneously. I was moving up in the career world, but not at a point that my presence was required daily. I felt an element of detachment from my job that made it easy to occasionally throw responsibility to the wind and take off for a day.
Today things are a little different. I’m the only one who handles marketing for my company and am needed in my seat most of the time. I also miss a lot of work these days due to infertility appointments and autoimmune appointments. My life is an endless spectrum of doctors and leave slips. This all means that the days of casually calling in for no reason other than the need for adventure are long gone.
Yesterday, however, I reached my boiling point. I woke up in such a state of malaise that I knew a day off was not just needed, it was required. So I took a Mental Day and spent the entire time at my sewing machine listening to Christmas and Joanna Newsom records.
It felt good to work with my hands. Every row of stitches laid down brought me a little closer to sanity. When my hands got tired, I let my feet take over and ran/walked for an hour. All day I rolled reproduction options around in my head. I weighed the input from my wonderful blog readers. I searched my soul for an answer. By the end of it I had come up with nothing.
Frustrated, I brought up embryo adoption with Mr. Husband over dinner. He was not receptive to the idea, feeling that my eggs and his swimmers were perfectly capable of creating a good baby. I must admit that I was disappointed in this. I so very much wanted him to be pro-embryo adoption. I love the idea that I could skip the massive egg stimulation and harvest. I love the fact that I am eliminating the chance of passing my bunions on to yet another generation.
His rather cold response to embryo adoption puts even more pressure on me for the upcoming IVF cycle. I know this is what we need to do for a baby, but I just can’t shake this feeling that it might not be the right thing. I don’t know what I have to do to feel like this is the right step to take. I don’t know how many more scholarly journals I can scour, how many more blogs I can read, how many more stories I can hear to find that one magic nugget of information that will make it all ok.
I am fully aware there are no guarantees in life, but it does not make it any easier to take that leap when faced with a cliff.