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Making choices, past and present

12/19/2011

Belle

I got so much input from you all a while back on if/how/will you come/came out to friends/family/Facebook. What I gathered from these comments is that this is a deeply personal decision, much like religion and ones view on the death penalty.

Ultimately, “coming out” is not a decision anyone can make for you. Nor is whether or not to choose IVF or embryo adoption or a child-free life.

Much as I wish someone would decide these things for me, they cannot.

Rewind about 4 years. I’m much younger, living in Birmingham, chronically single and living a crazy life. My hair is a shade of tremendously unnatural red and my clothes always smell of cigarettes. It is 2 a.m. at a dive bar called the Ni.ck. I’m drinking vodka tonic with several friends: some divorced, some in failing marriages, some chronically single, all lonely and living like they were still 21 despite being at least a decade older. As I sipped my drink, my now-husband telephoned and the ringer jolted me out of this youthful stupor. For the first time I felt like my future was calling. I could choose to ignore the call and stay, or I could go home and return the call.

I made a decision then-and-there to go home. I set my drink down, cleared my tab, walked out of the Ni.ck and literally ran home. I called my future husband back as I crawled in bed and knew I had made the right decision. The next day my life changed. I tossed my cigarettes, started exercising and never returned to the Ni.ck.  Nine months after that, I moved to Kentucky and a year later, I married the most amazing man on earth.

True story.

This Friday Mr. Husband and I went out for a very rare 2 bar night. We saw two bands, had a great dinner, hung out with friends, drank more than we should and had a blast. As we were sitting at the second bar I watched my surroundings. There were women about 10 years my senior, bleached out hair, too much makeup, sloshed and hanging on men you could tell did not care about them. They looked lonely and hollow. I squeezed my husband’s hand and remembered my last night at the Ni.ck and the choice I had made. The best choice of my life.

Years later I am facing new choices. I could stay the course or I could take a stand. I could leave my comfort zone and try for something better, or I could stay put. I took a risk like this before and look where it brought me – into the arms of someone who loves me unconditionally. Maybe taking another leap of faith will put another life into my arms?

When we got home I told Mr. Husband I was ready to get this show on the road. Our compromise? One IVF cycle and as many frozen transfers from our embryos as were possible. If this did not work, we would move to embryo adoption. He agreed.

Today I scheduled my SHG (sonohysterogram) for Thursday morning. This will start the chain of events leading to my first IVF cycle, making this journey real and tangible. Empowered by this appointment, I posted the above on Facebook, asking for the support of the Family Act of 2011 and, for the first time, outing myself to the general public. It felt good, even if I cried when I did both. And now I post it here, with zero editing meaning you get to meet the cumbersome name that sets me apart from women everywhere.

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15 Comments

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  1. December 19, 2011

    Congratulations on making two very difficult, but important decisions! I know how scary the IVF road is, but I also have faith that it will work for you. And what a fabulous way to “out” yourself! The Family Bill, if passed, will be the first major step to destigmatizing fertility treatments and make treatment accessible to many.

  2. December 19, 2011

    I feel like cheering!! 🙂 I feel so proud of you even though we don’t know each other apart from reading each other’s blog and comments. It takes guts to make difficult choices and embrace the unknown. I’m so happy for you that you have found a way of becoming ready to take the leap and try IVF!!! Merry Christmas. 🙂

  3. December 19, 2011

    Woohooo! Have you had any response from friends/family yet?

  4. December 19, 2011

    Once again, your post brings tears to my eyes. Why? Because of your honesty, bravery and abilty to hear that inner voice…always guiding you.

    I think I need a “night on the town.” Isn’t it great when we let loose? Answers seem to appear..another lesson in “getting out of mind.”

    LOVE LOVE LOVE!!
    xoxo

    P.S. I am a super fan of all your commenters..You all don’t know what great advice you give. This advice pertains to us all..not just people suffering through infertility. There have been many days I read comments that help me through my own stuff. Thank you all! xoxox

  5. December 19, 2011

    Thanks Sarah, We are starting in January after months of delays due to my own busy schedule. I have been wanted to be more open about what lies ahead and advocacy seems like the right path. Thank you again

    Katie

    • December 19, 2011

      Katie, it is so good to see you here! Jay and I are cheering you and Jeff on as you start your journey in 2012. Like I sad on your blog, I’m only a comment, email or phone call away if you need support.

  6. December 19, 2011

    Sarah, you rock!! You made some serious decisions this weekend and are now taking a giant step into your future! I’m so happy for you and can’t wait to read about it all. Thanks so much for sharing it with us! Xoxo

  7. December 19, 2011

    I heart you. 🙂

  8. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row #
    December 19, 2011

    VERY PROUD OF YOU!!! xoxo

  9. December 19, 2011

    This is wonderful. Congratulations on making some hard choices. Outing yourself like that is amazing..good for you. I wish I had the courage to do the same. Also…love your hubby story…how sweet!!

  10. December 20, 2011

    Very, very brave of you. Can I say I’m proud of you without that sounding condescending? Because I totally am.

    I don’t know if you are a Harry Potter fan, but I thought you might like this quote: “It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends.”

    Rock on.

  11. December 20, 2011

    Another brave and honest post. Very inspiring. And that compromise sounds like a good thing between you and your husband. Great story of how you met. It’s all about making choices.

  12. December 21, 2011

    Infertility really does force us to make complex and difficult decisions. I’m happy that you and your hubs were able to work together to make a decision you can both live with. Best wishes on your IVF adventure, I’ll be praying for you. And, it was very brave to share the RESOLVE stuff on FB. I hope you feel liberated by it and that you find and outpouring of love and support from your friends. For me, sharing with others has been a huge source of strength.

  13. December 21, 2011

    Congratulations on your decision. It makes me so happy that you two had that difficult conversation and came up with a decision that makes you both happy! I am so excited for you!

    It was very brave of you to “come out” on facebook. I commend you for it! I don’t think I would ever be able to do it.

  14. December 22, 2011

    3 cheers. Love this post.

    Iclw 🙂 thanks for stopping by my blog

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