I had such noble intentions for the holiday. Not only was I going to visit my family in Alabama and New York, but I was also going to rock ICLW and write about my feelings during the holidays without a baby or pregnancy. I had hoped these posts would help me sort through some feelings and start 2012 on a better foot. I hoped that I would wake up on January 1 and feel inspired and positive about the next phase of our journey, IVF. Instead, I found myself sad, listless and struggling to fake a happy face. The sadness spilled over to my writing and every time I sat down at the computer all I could muster were a few half-hearted sentences.
I am still having a hard time.
This week is the one year mark since I tossed the birth control. In 12 months time I ovulated twice and that was only with the help of Gonal-F. In 12 months time I have packed on more than 10 pounds. My face is scared from all the acne triggered by PCOS and IF treatments. My relationship with Mr. Husband is beyond stressed and we rarely laugh, play or make love. Worse than all this, though, my naivety is gone. I feel the wonder and mystery of creating a life has been stripped from me. We don’t get to have a baby the normal way. We might not even get to have a baby. The fate of our “family” lies in the hands of a doctor I barely know and an embryologist I have never met.
2011 left me hollow. What will 2012 bring? It is so easy when surrounded by friends and holding a glass of bubbly to laugh and say that 2012 can only be better than the last year. Once back in Kentucky, alone and without the comfort of people I love, all that hope disappears. 2012 can be worse than last year. 2012 can bring more infertility. It can bring loss. It can bring failure. It can bring pain.
I am aware this is terribly negative but I just can’t shake the feeling and I’m tired of faking a happy face. I seem to have misplaced my faith in the universe. If anyone sees it, please send it back a.s.a.p.