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I have been a bad blogger

01/04/2012

Belle

I had such noble intentions for the holiday. Not only was I going to visit my family in Alabama and New York, but I was also going to rock ICLW and write about my feelings during the holidays without a baby or pregnancy. I had hoped these posts would help me sort through some feelings and start 2012 on a better foot. I hoped that I would wake up on January 1 and feel inspired and positive about the next phase of our journey, IVF. Instead, I found myself sad, listless and struggling to fake a happy face.  The sadness spilled over to my writing and every time I sat down at the computer all I could muster were a few half-hearted sentences.

I am still having a hard time.

This week is the one year mark since I tossed the birth control. In 12 months time I ovulated twice and that was only with the help of Gonal-F. In 12 months time I have packed on more than 10 pounds. My face is scared from all the acne triggered by PCOS and IF treatments. My relationship with Mr. Husband is beyond stressed and we rarely laugh, play or make love. Worse than all this, though, my naivety is gone. I feel the wonder and mystery of creating a life has been stripped from me. We don’t get to have a baby the normal way. We might not even get to have a baby. The fate of our “family” lies in the hands of a doctor I barely know and an embryologist I have never met.

2011 left me hollow. What will 2012 bring? It is so easy when surrounded by friends and holding a glass of bubbly to laugh and say that 2012 can only be better than the last year. Once back in Kentucky, alone and without the comfort of people I love, all that hope disappears. 2012 can be worse than last year. 2012 can bring more infertility. It can bring loss. It can bring failure. It can bring pain.

I am aware this is terribly negative but I just can’t shake the feeling and I’m tired of faking a happy face. I seem to have misplaced my faith in the universe. If anyone sees it, please send it back a.s.a.p.

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19 Comments

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  1. January 4, 2012

    We don’t have to be positive ALL THE TIME… if we did, we would never feel negatively about anything. It’s hard to feel hopeful and positive about next year when 2011 was so painful. Really, there is no difference between December 31 and January 1. If that date isn’t the date you want to “refresh” and start looking up again, then that’s okay, it’s just an artificial reboot date. I just hope that you DO find that hope again sometime, because hope definitely helps us bear the rest of what we go through in this process.

  2. January 4, 2012

    I definitely get what you are saying. I am unfortunately doing another fresh cycle this month and I had forgotten all about the huge doubt that came with it the last time. I end up thinking what if we could just get pregnant on our own and we are rushing things? And what if it doesn’t work and here I have just put my body through hell and spent a ton of money and end up even more broken? It is so scary, and nobody in real life ever gets it. But it sounds like you are in good hands, and honestly once you get going it just becomes what it is. I know I broke down with each step, when we were told our chances on our own were slim, when we had to move on to IUI and then devastated when we had to move to ivf. But it is kind of a numbing thing, you just keep moving and your chances of success just go up. 60+% in the USA average….those are pretty good odds! I will keep following and keep my fingers crossed for you.

  3. January 4, 2012

    Both comments here are really good Belle. I agree that a positive outlook is very hard to have 100% of the time. I hope that IVF will change things for you.. on so many levels of course. I promise you 150% that it is nothing to fear. If you are able to go into it with realistic expectations and goals then all the better for you. There are so many of us here ready to help guide you.. and always holding up light and hope. I know there is no way in the world to know the future. Trust me I think about that every single day. The best I have come up with is to try and get through each day.. because you never know what tomorrow will bring.
    Hugs…

  4. January 4, 2012

    I don’t think I can say anything that hasn’t already been said. I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. I will hold on to hope and faith for you till you find your own again. Sending you BIG Hugz!

  5. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row #
    January 4, 2012

    There is nothing I can say here that these lovelies haven’t said. The only thing I can offer: I’ve done my best as of late to be the stereotypical housewife as much as I can without killing myself. Little things. Like, if he is sitting down and watching tv, I might just bring him over a bowl of snacks. Or I clean the kitchen before I go to bed. (This is all going to sound insane). I do it because I have NO control over my body, but I know that making a little more effort makes us both feel better. I hold his hand for no reason. I put a card on his car (I leave first). I feel like I inspire him to work on our connection when I do. Does that make sense? xoxo

  6. January 4, 2012

    I remember being in your shoes. The one year mark is a hard one: within that time, so much around you has changed while you been on this journey. It’s a hard place. It’s okay to be sad and grieve over the loss of naivety. Because this process is hard and would break most people. But I’m holding onto hope that there will be a happy ending for both of us.

  7. January 4, 2012

    I’m sorry Belle, this is such a hard time. Finding hope is so hard right now. I’ve been feeling down and blue a lot lately so I’m working on being grateful and positive. It sucks and it’s hard but I figure if I atleast make a couple of attempts everyday then that’s something. Maybe start a grateful journal and once a day write something you’re grateful for, even if it’s small and petty. It’s a place to start. Either way I’ll hold hope for you and your upcoming IVF, hang in there!

  8. January 4, 2012

    That one year mark is scary. Feels like you are officially “infertile” even if you’ve known for quite awhile that making babies isn’t easy for you. I found 2011 to be the most gut-wrenching, soul-sucking, heartbreaking year of my life and decided 2012 just COULDN’T be worse because if it is then I don’t know if I’ll survive it. You don’t have to be positive and hopeful all the time, but I do hope you find some positivity before you begin IVF because you don’t want to go down that road feeling negative. Best of luck in this new chapter of your journey!

  9. January 4, 2012

    I understand this completely. It is very hard to have hope in this situation. I doubt I can make you feel better, but I can tell you that there are so many people out there who can relate, and feel the same way. Try, when you are able, to have some special time with your husband, reminding each other of why you got married in the first place. I know how trying of time this is. Just try to keep your head up!

  10. January 4, 2012

    Oh Belle…I am so sorry you are going through a difficult time. I know what you mean about infertility straining your relationship with your hubby. What is it about this process that robs us of our ability to enjoy other aspects of our lives? It is such a difficult thing to get through and I hope you guys can find a way to be yourselves again. I recently hit the one year mark too and only ovulated 3 times in that year so I really do know how you feel. If it helps I have faith for you. Don’t worry, I’ll hold on to it until your ready to take it back.

  11. January 4, 2012

    Belle hang in there. I know exactly what you mean about the loss of mystery and wonder at creating a new life. But you know what? When it happens, it is still as miraculous and wondrous as any natural pregnancy. If not more so. You haven’t lost that “amazement potential”. When I saw that heartbeat, every appointment and every dollar spent and every discomfort just fell away into nothing. Really.

    Don’t expect yourself to be positive. Notice how you are feeling, but just try to not get too caught up in it. Try just looking at one next step. The next appointment, the next blood test, the next scan. Not the whole thing. Not the year you’ve been trying. Not thinking about numbers of cycles or months. IVF is mostly no worse than that incredible disappointment each month when you try naturally, or don’t ovulate.. It’s different, it’s weird but it’s not horrible. Like anything, it has a rhythm, and the first time is just freaky so see the counsellors. But after that you kind of know the rhythm, and where the hard bits are for you. And it’s not a failure.It’s a help. Maybe it’s just speeding up the timing. At our clinic, we met the embryologist, and talked to them on the phone, and you can ask to see your doctor for extra appointments so you feel comfortable with them. The embryologist even introduced themselves just before I got the general anaesthetic and popped in to say hello before embryo transfer. I went back to the clinic yesterday, and the nurses and the counsellor were more excited than I am!

    Make treasuring your relationship a priority. Block out a couple of hours each week to hang out together and not talk fertility. Do something stupid and fun together. IVF can put extra strain on you as a couple, but you know what? It can also bring you closer. It did for us. I understand my husband SO MUCH more after IVF.

  12. katie #
    January 5, 2012

    I’m feeling just the same in 2012. Everyone has shared their hope for ’12 and our ivf and I’m just not feeling it. I start estrogen on the 14, Que sera! I’m thinking of you!

    Katie

  13. January 5, 2012

    I know how you feel, I have days like this too. I was just telling my RE that I wish I could be naive again and erase all the things that seek to worry me. I am seriously going to find blogs of infertiles who conceived and delivered healthy babies….I KNOW it happens.

    I wish hubs and I could just make love to create new life like “normal” people too, but at the same time I am so grateful that we have medical advances that make reproduction even possible for us. I think it’s great that you were able to ovulate with Gonal-F, that is HOPE that you can conveive.

    Be okay with having negative days like this, but try your best not to let them consume you and weaken your spirit. Small steps..hang in there!

  14. January 5, 2012

    Your faith will come back. Until it does, just honour the shitty feelings – they are completely valid and need to be felt. January 2012 is just the month after December, there’s no obligation for you to feel great about the start of a new year, you can celebrate when you do feel great again – which you will. x

  15. January 5, 2012

    oh yeah, and I didn’t post for 3 weeks!

  16. January 5, 2012

    Hey no apologies needed for being away and taking a break. Maybe you needed that right now. And please let others hold the hope up for your next treatment until you can find it yourself again.

  17. 2berrys #
    January 5, 2012

    Totally know how you feel. It’s only five days into the new year and I’m still waiting for the epiphany that 2012 will be better. I feel like I can’t even make it through the first week! This sucks. I’m so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. So many of us can relate. Please hang in there and do things for yourself that you enjoy. Sometimes that helps.

  18. AJ #
    January 5, 2012

    I have definitely been there at different times throughout the year. Hang in there!! I’m sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers your way!!

  19. January 10, 2012

    Sending you lots of hugs and good vibes! I know it’s difficult to be where you are right now, but you will get through it. Don’t beat yourself up about not being able to be positive – it’s ok to be down when you are. Be kind to yourself. I wish you all the best with the IVF process!!!

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