Our first IVF cycle is slowly approaching. Every evening I pop another dreaded birth control pill and tick another day off the calendar.
I am a slew of emotions over this cycle. One minute I’m on top of the world – “It’s going to work! I’m going to be a mommy and Mr. Husband is going to be a daddy and our cats are going to have a little kid to play with!” And the next moment I’m engulfed by all the what-ifs.
There is a third emotion that I have not yet admitted to. No matter how “ready” I am to become a mother, there is that shred of independent lady that lingers. Every now and then she whispers ” What the fuck are you doing? Don’t you know your abs will never look this good after a baby? And you are starting to run now… getting knocked up would mean no more running, spinning, etc. AND a baby means less travel and more boring “I can’t do (insert fun activity here) because of the baby.”
I am not proud to admit that these thoughts still linger. I have been avoiding mentioning it here for months because I feel that it might make me undeserving of parenthood. Maybe this shred of independent lady has marked me as “unfit” and cursed me to a lonely life of cooking dinner for two. Some days I beat myself up over these thoughts, ” I bet (insert currently pregnant blogger or friend here) never thinks about how life will never be the same. I bet she never worries about her abs. I bet she never mourns the end of running or yoga…. Shame on you, you selfish infertile.”
Other days I’m kinder. “I am sure everyone has these lingering thoughts. Surely I’m not alone. Buck up Belle and keep going. You’ll find balance between motherhood, exercise, travel and adventure.”
But then I read your stories and nowhere do I read of you mourning the loss of this carefree and selfish life. No one talks about being desperate for a baby, but still a little sad to lose the life they have had for so many years. And so as I approach my CD 1 I decided to bring the topic to the table despite my fears of readers hitting “unsubscribe.” Do you have these secret worries? Or do you think this is a sign that I should reconsider this entire process?
Next Wednesday I have my IVF training session during which we will pay a man I have only met twice $8,000 for a 35% chance at a take home baby. What do I have to do to kick this nagging voice to the curb? Or is this a natural part of a life changing event?