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We all worry.

01/17/2012

Belle

I'm not losing independence. Instead I'm gaining an adventuring buddy. I can't wait to take my maybe baby on beautiful early morning desert hikes!

 

Holy Gee I have never been so happy to have opened up and posed a potentially unpopular question. My last post garnered comments from new readers, old readers and folks I didn’t even know were reading (welcome to you all) and every one of them understanding.

Each and every one of you admitted to some lingering fear of how life will change once you achieve your successful pregnancy and later bring home a healthy baby. Some of your worries were so dead-on with how I feel some days that they made me tear up while others made me laugh with relief.

Robin at I’m Polycysitc Inside smartly pointed out that things don’t change forever and that being an active parent is GOOD for your child. “And babies aren’t babies forever. They grow into actual people and get old enough to do fun things like travel and have adventures.” Such a good point – I’m not losing a lifestyle, I’m gaining an adventuring buddy!

Irene at Close Encounters with Infertility Treatments reminded me that all things worth doing are often difficult and hard. She says, “My guess is that this is just the beginning of lots and lots of moments throughout pregnancy and parenthood where being pregnant or having a baby/child will not make you jump around with joy but rather the opposite. It’s life. And things worth doing are often hard and difficult.” Such wise words!

It’s as if Living Our Life in Cycles has been peering through my window lately with her comment, “Sometimes when my dog is annoying me and testing my patience I wonder if I’ll be a horrible mother…. I mean who gets annoyed by their cute Boxer?” Seriously? I have found myself yelling at my sweet cat and then, 30 seconds later, I’m crying in the bathroom because I’m going to be a terrible parent if I get upset at a little cat with a brain the size of a walnut! So good to know I’m not alone here!

Starting My Life at 35 admitted to having these same thoughts. She mentions getting passports if her next round of IVF does not work, and downsizing to a smaller home for her child-free life. I, too, have these thoughts and actually put passport renewal on my Summer To-Do list, as come summer I’ll either be nicely pregnant and planning my “Baby Moon” or preparing for a life of fancy dinners, lush travel, and a tiny, two bedroom house.

These comments and so many more reminded me that I am only human. It is ok to have these thoughts. In fact, it is probably good and therapeutic to let them out from time to time and examine them rather than shove them back inside. There will be no more, “Hush hush hush! If the other infertiles hear me, what will they think???”

This weekend, while enjoying a rather pricey glass of wine at a lovely restaurant with a dear friend from Georgia, it occurred to me that this could be the last glass of child-free wine we ever have together. This made me unbelievably sad. Not that I can’t drink while pregnant, that’s fine, but sad over how will our visits will change once there is a child. Will they still even happen? Rather than shove it all back in, I allowed my brain to mull over these thoughts as the conversation changed to sports and Mr. Husband jumped in (I know as much about sports as I do about cooking meat, which for this sudo vegan is a whole lotta nothing!) A few minutes of thought and reflection was all I needed to consider the changes, admit it was scary and then move on and rejoin the conversation – “Why yes, that football player has amazingly delicious shoulders… ”  I went to bed that night with no “Oh God, things are gonna change!” lump in my throat and it was NICE.

Tomorrow I have my IVF training appointment.  I’m genuinely ready to get this show on the road and am as comfortable as I think I can be with the changes that it might create. And now, I must take another dose of birth control – only 7 more days to go!

Thank you again for all your kind words and encouragement. I don’t know where I would be if it were not for this wonderful blogging community!

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5 Comments

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  1. January 18, 2012

    It is such a wonderful feeling to get a response like that to something you’re scared to share about. It is nice to know you’re not alone and that is something I am so thankful for with this community. Everyone reminds us we are not alone!

    Good luck with your IVF training!

  2. January 18, 2012

    I really love your picture and caption. It is something that I look forward to as well. Except I don’t have any beautiful deserts where I am.

    I am excited to hear about your IVF training!

  3. January 18, 2012

    Thanks for this post. Your right about life changing and infertility making us question everything about the process. I know I’ve spent many nights wondering if the reason I’m affected by infertility is because I’ll be an awful parent.

    Wishing you all the best with the IVF training and very excited about what the next few months hold for you!

  4. January 18, 2012

    I have been thinking about your last post and struggled about what to comment. So I’m glad you got such lovely response. I like to believe you can do a lot of things with a baby/child. Just in different ways until they are older. Yes there will be change and you will be stuck with your choice for a good while but it’s another kind of adventure. That’s how I see it.

    As for body changes before and after pregnancy everyone is different. But the hard-core training will still be there after nine or so month when you are ready to take it up again. I was quite bummed when I missed a 10km running race that I had trained for because I started treatment drugs just a week before. But I wouldn’t change a thing and I know the challenge is still available for me in the future.

  5. Laura #
    January 18, 2012

    just wanted to say again that I had such a great weekend visiting. and I am so glad that I got to go with you to get to toes done too!
    don’t you fret about change in this friendship lady, I’ve know you for 20 years and when you have a bouncing baby I will still come visit and you will still come visit me just like we always have…you’ll just have WAY more stuff! Nothing is gonna change the friendship we have!

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