Holy Gee I have never been so happy to have opened up and posed a potentially unpopular question. My last post garnered comments from new readers, old readers and folks I didn’t even know were reading (welcome to you all) and every one of them understanding.
Each and every one of you admitted to some lingering fear of how life will change once you achieve your successful pregnancy and later bring home a healthy baby. Some of your worries were so dead-on with how I feel some days that they made me tear up while others made me laugh with relief.
Robin at I’m Polycysitc Inside smartly pointed out that things don’t change forever and that being an active parent is GOOD for your child. “And babies aren’t babies forever. They grow into actual people and get old enough to do fun things like travel and have adventures.” Such a good point – I’m not losing a lifestyle, I’m gaining an adventuring buddy!
Irene at Close Encounters with Infertility Treatments reminded me that all things worth doing are often difficult and hard. She says, “My guess is that this is just the beginning of lots and lots of moments throughout pregnancy and parenthood where being pregnant or having a baby/child will not make you jump around with joy but rather the opposite. It’s life. And things worth doing are often hard and difficult.” Such wise words!
It’s as if Living Our Life in Cycles has been peering through my window lately with her comment, “Sometimes when my dog is annoying me and testing my patience I wonder if I’ll be a horrible mother…. I mean who gets annoyed by their cute Boxer?” Seriously? I have found myself yelling at my sweet cat and then, 30 seconds later, I’m crying in the bathroom because I’m going to be a terrible parent if I get upset at a little cat with a brain the size of a walnut! So good to know I’m not alone here!
Starting My Life at 35 admitted to having these same thoughts. She mentions getting passports if her next round of IVF does not work, and downsizing to a smaller home for her child-free life. I, too, have these thoughts and actually put passport renewal on my Summer To-Do list, as come summer I’ll either be nicely pregnant and planning my “Baby Moon” or preparing for a life of fancy dinners, lush travel, and a tiny, two bedroom house.
These comments and so many more reminded me that I am only human. It is ok to have these thoughts. In fact, it is probably good and therapeutic to let them out from time to time and examine them rather than shove them back inside. There will be no more, “Hush hush hush! If the other infertiles hear me, what will they think???”
This weekend, while enjoying a rather pricey glass of wine at a lovely restaurant with a dear friend from Georgia, it occurred to me that this could be the last glass of child-free wine we ever have together. This made me unbelievably sad. Not that I can’t drink while pregnant, that’s fine, but sad over how will our visits will change once there is a child. Will they still even happen? Rather than shove it all back in, I allowed my brain to mull over these thoughts as the conversation changed to sports and Mr. Husband jumped in (I know as much about sports as I do about cooking meat, which for this sudo vegan is a whole lotta nothing!) A few minutes of thought and reflection was all I needed to consider the changes, admit it was scary and then move on and rejoin the conversation – “Why yes, that football player has amazingly delicious shoulders… ” I went to bed that night with no “Oh God, things are gonna change!” lump in my throat and it was NICE.
Tomorrow I have my IVF training appointment. I’m genuinely ready to get this show on the road and am as comfortable as I think I can be with the changes that it might create. And now, I must take another dose of birth control – only 7 more days to go!
Thank you again for all your kind words and encouragement. I don’t know where I would be if it were not for this wonderful blogging community!