First: I had my IVF training today. It went well. If I am properly suppressed on January 30th and cyst-free we’ll start stims with an estimated retrieval day of Feb. 9, 10 or 11th. Those are a lot of “ifs,” though.
Second: I will not get to do my first FET (frozen embryo transfer) until mid-April, meaning that BFP I had hoped for before Easter just is not possible. I so desperately wanted to be pregnant by Easter, not because of any religious significance, but because my brother and his fiance will be visiting my parents in Alabama. Easter also happens to be my brother’s birthday. We’ll all be together and healthy for the first time in ages come Easter. Would that not be a great time to let my family know? Nope. Impossible. At least I’ll be able to do yoga with my brother and run with my dad during the visit.
Third: I found some amazing animal art prints on sale at Fab.com today. Several of them would be just perfect for the maybe baby’s room. They even match the fabric I have secretly picked to make the bedding out of. I actually went so far as to put the prints in the shopping cart and then check to make sure they will fit in Ikea frames. Then it occurred to me how utterly retarded this was and I emptied the cart and cried.
Fourth: My mother-in-law had to fork out the cash for the IVF today. I had a mini melt down in the clinic waiting room when I could not get a hold of either her or Mr. Husband to check on what credit card to use. Although I had her home phone and probably could have reached her on it, I didn’t call. I’m terrified to actually speak these words to her. Instead I cried and waited for Mr. Husband to call her himself.
Fifth: My best friend, who I have known since 6th grade, spent four wonderful days with me over the weekend. I know a large reason for her visit was to be there for me and provide a real, human shoulder to cry on. But every time I tried to talk about things, I lost the words. It is so easy to bleed emotions on a blog, but when faced with real, caring support, I just freeze up and can’t say the things that scare me most: What if it fails? How can I have a degree in communication, yet be so bad at this? What on earth is the point of “coming out” to family and friends if I can’t accept their support?
Sixth: I hope tomorrow is easier.