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One through Six



First: I had my IVF training today. It went well. If I am properly suppressed on January 30th and cyst-free we’ll start stims with an estimated retrieval day of Feb. 9, 10 or 11th. Those are a lot of “ifs,” though.

Second: I will not get to do my first FET (frozen embryo transfer) until mid-April, meaning that BFP I had hoped for before Easter just is not possible. I so desperately wanted to be pregnant by Easter, not because of any religious significance, but because my brother and his fiance will be visiting my parents in Alabama. Easter also happens to be my brother’s birthday. We’ll all be together and healthy for the first time in ages come Easter. Would that not be a great time to let my family know? Nope.  Impossible. At least I’ll be able to do yoga with my brother and run with my dad during the visit.

Third: I found some amazing animal art prints on sale at today. Several of them would be just perfect for the maybe baby’s room. They even match the fabric I have secretly picked to make the bedding out of. I actually went so far as to put the prints in the shopping cart and then check to make sure they will fit in Ikea frames. Then it occurred to me how utterly retarded this was and I emptied the cart and cried.

Fourth: My mother-in-law had to fork out the cash for the IVF today. I had a mini melt down in the clinic waiting room when I could not get a hold of either her or Mr. Husband to check on what credit card to use. Although I had her home phone and probably could have reached her  on it, I didn’t call. I’m terrified to actually speak these words to her. Instead I cried and waited for Mr. Husband to call her himself.

Fifth: My best friend, who I have known since 6th grade, spent four wonderful days with me over the weekend. I know a large reason for her visit was to be there for me and provide a real, human shoulder to cry on. But every time I tried to talk about things, I lost the words. It is so easy to bleed emotions on a blog, but when faced with real, caring support, I just freeze up and can’t say the things that scare me most: What if it fails? How can I have a degree in communication, yet be so bad at this? What on earth is the point of “coming out” to family and friends if I can’t accept their support?

Sixth: I hope tomorrow is easier.



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  1. January 18, 2012

    Fingers and toes crossed you can do your retrieval in February!

    Oh, and I totally get not being able to find the words. I think that’s why I have a blog. If I’m lucky, I can blog, organize my thoughts on how I feel, and THEN be able to articulate them to another person. But only in that order….

  2. January 18, 2012

    Holding hope that you get to the Feb. ER and then get that pre- Easter BFP you are hoping for. I know it can be annoying when people say things about staying positive.. so I’ll say that I’m hoping FOR you and keeping everything crossed!
    PS- thank goodness for blogs and the ability to say everything we really feel inside.. so cathartic!

  3. January 18, 2012

    It’s so exciting that you’re going to be starting stims soon! I’m definitely cheering you on from this end.

    I’m with you about being toe-tied. In a lot of ways, writing everything down is a lot easier. You can pause, think, erase, rewrite. With talking, you have to think on your feet AND deal with responses. Not easy. I’m so glad that you got to spend time with your friend, though. Sounds just what the doctor ordered.

  4. January 18, 2012

    Saying things out loud makes them way more real than writing them on a blog. I hope tomorrow is easier, too. HUGS!!!!

  5. January 19, 2012

    I suck at expressing myself out loud. Much better in writing. Hence the blog. You’re not alone 🙂

  6. 35life #
    January 19, 2012

    I’m sorry it’s been so hard. It’s hard not to look to certain dates or a time of year that we’d want to have good news. I’ve seen every holiday and ideal date go by twice. 😦 Hang in there. It will happen. Maybe not in the timeframe we’d want, but we need to remain hopeful. Sounds like you have a great (in person) friend there for you, and many more on here.

  7. January 19, 2012

    Isn’t it annoying how the timing never works out? I swear I have had big plans to tell my family for every major holiday and occasion.
    And it is so so so tough to share. I think it’s because it is impossible to convey how hard it is or how much it hurts to anybody not going through it. There just seems like so much to say but no way to properly get it across :(. I’m glad you have the blog.
    And yay for stims coming up soon!!

  8. January 19, 2012

    Hey Belle, hang in there. I know it’s hard not knowing how things will turn out. I hope tomorrow will be easier. It just has to!

  9. January 20, 2012

    It can get easier. Keep your chin up. I’m so excited about your FET even if it’s still a ways off. Time will pass faster than you expect.

  10. January 21, 2012

    I am so excited for you that things are going to start soon! I absolutely despise waiting. I am sorry you are going to have to wait longer. Hopefully it will go quickly.

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