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Coming apart at the seams

02/07/2012

Belle

Thank you all for the comments yesterday and today. Sometimes people on the outside look at me like a crazy woman when I admit to airing all my personal infertility business on the Internet. I don’t think they realize how horribly lonely this journey is without people who have actually lived it. No matter how much my mother loves me, she will NEVER be able to understand the anguish I feel as she easily conceived and delivered two healthy children. You all, however, have just the right words as you have experienced the same devastation month, after month, after agonizing month. I have said it before and I know I’ll say it again, thank you for the out pouring of support. If there was anyway for me to hand deliver homemade vegan cakes to each and every one of you, I would.

So how am I today? I feel like I’m coming apart at the seams. Mr. Husband and I had our first dual yelling and crying fight over infertility last night. It was messy and painful.

I wish he could step inside my mind for 24 hours. My wanting a baby is not some trite desire. I don’t want a baby like some women want a BMW. I don’t want a baby because everyone else is doing it. Fuck. If this were the case I would have long since put that “want” to bed. Just like I have “un-wanted” my own car, a pair of Fluevogs, a lush trip to Scotland, etc.

No, this “want” I feel for a child is incomprehensible. It is an ache that does not go away. I don’t like going to sleep because my dreams are peppered by the desire for a child. I hung my head in shame as I admitted that some nights the dreams are so vivid I wake up and my breasts literally ache. I can feel that child at them and then I wake up, heart and mind racing. Is it real? I feel guilty about these dreams, like a 13-year-old boy feels guilty about dreaming of his first fuck.

This is not something I can just put away. If I could, trust me, I would. I would love a night without the dreams. I would love a day without tears.

When I say that I don’t know what I will do if we can’t have a family, I am not over reacting. I am aware I have much to be thankful for and far more than many women. I have a husband. I have a job. I have beautiful and sassy cats. I have a home, food on my table, family and friends who love me. I have all of that. But none of those things or people fill the need for a child.

Last night was the first time I vocalized these feelings. I feel guilty for having them. I feel angry at myself for letting them out. I feel like a pile of shit because they made him cry.

Then I went to the bathroom and injected myself again. This tiny glimmer of hope in a pre-loaded syringe. Maybe…

I go back to Dr. A tomorrow morning to see if there has been any change.

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23 Comments

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  1. February 7, 2012

    Of course you want all these things, it was what we were born to do. And the fact that it’s not easy only makes us want it that much more. I don’t think any man, nor woman who conceived naturally can even fathom how all consuming it is or how crazy we can make ourselves. I am glad you have turned to the Internet…..we do understand. And I sincerely hope that that E2 of yours perks up because it is so hard to come this far and stop, and only eats at you that much more the next round. Keeping my fingers crossed.

  2. February 7, 2012

    You are going through one of the hardest things you will ever go through. I wish there was more I could say. What you are doing right now is not easy. Only those of us who have experienced it could ever know. Not even the husbands truly understand how hard it is, though they witness it. I’m so sorry.

  3. February 7, 2012

    Oh honey. I’m so, so sorry that you are going through all of this. I can only begin to imagine how awful last night was. I’m equally sorry that you are having such vivid dreams. Those hurt so much because of how badly you want this. Sending you hugs.

    Wanting a child is not some flippant desire. It is a basic need. One that is programmed within us biologically. Anyone who tells you otherwise has no idea what they are talking about. Infertility robs us of something that we need to survive. Granted we won’t die immediately if we can’t expand our families, but we will slowly. This is why you ache so much. And wanting this does not make you selfish, it just makes you human.

    I’ve been thinking about you a lot since yesterday and I’m hoping that Dr. A has some answers for you very soon. In the meantime, I’m holding onto hope. Sending you love.

  4. February 7, 2012

    Oh honey, at some point we all have these knock down drag out fights with the exact same thing at the core of them all, husbands don’t understand. My husband desperately wants children as much as I do, but he does not feel or understand the biological ache that we, as women, feel so deeply.

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this and praying hard that this will be the cycle for you!

  5. February 7, 2012

    Remember there are often moments when a cycle looks like it’s heading for cancellation, and it comes good. It is a speedbump. Do not think about the money , do not think about the time ticking. Think about the outcome. And remember it only takes ONE.

    Wanting a baby is old brain stuff. Freakin powerful, and you can’t fight it. Husbands feel it, but in a ‘that’d be nice’ way. Not in an aching to hold primal urge. You would live a different life without a baby, but you would live. But you know what? That’s just a what if, and the what if game is tiring and impossible. Do this cycle. If that’s too hard, do this day. Don’t push down your feelings, observe them. You don’t have to be positive all the time. That’s just unrealistic. But you can do this . And husbands? They never quite get it like we do. But that’s ok. It takes two to tango. You are going to be ok.

  6. Sarah L #
    February 7, 2012

    Belle, I’m so sorry you’re having a rough time. The only thread of hope I wanted to offer you was that my E2 levels always rose very slowly, and would eventually get into the range of acceptability. Some ladies’ levels spike very quickly or just go insanely high, but not all of us. I’m hoping you are just in the latter category and need some extra stim time to get them up. I’m sending positive estrogen thoughts your way!

  7. February 7, 2012

    Oh honey I honestly don’t think anyone but the women who have gone through this truly understand what it is like. There is no easy answer, no easy fix.. if there were we would all get pregnant immediately and deliver perfectly healthy living babies each and every time. I an thinking of you and sending light.. I know it’s hard.

  8. February 7, 2012

    What you are going through right now is incredibly hard and profound – the extra mega-dose of hormones doesn’t help either. Take care of yourself and remember to do something you love everyday even if it is as simple as a nice decaf mocha soy latte or a pedicure. My husband had a hard time when I was going through cycles as well- it turned out he was worried about me and felt guilty that I was putting myself physically through so much for something we both wanted. I always told my husband the hardest part of not being able to conceive was that I felt like I already knew my babies – I know that sounds crazy – but I really felt like I already met their perfect little souls and I needed to get them here. Take care I’m sending you and your husband all the good vibes I have. 🙂

  9. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row #
    February 7, 2012

    Oh honey. I know the yearning so well. And it is painful. I’m sorry. Xoxoxo

  10. February 7, 2012

    I’m sorry for all you have had to go through with this. And while a fight with the husband is horrible and leaves everyone feeling like crap, it will make you a stronger couple in the long run. Thinking of you.

  11. February 8, 2012

    Oh, hun. I have been thinking of you since yesterday’s post and I am sorry it was such a tough night with DH. I found with my own DH that he really needed the sledgehammer sometimes to understand how this feels from my end. By the same token, I had to ask him some questions and give him the chance to tell me how he felt as well. This whole situation is such an emotional clusterfuck and it is totally natural for it to bubble over now and then. I’m hoping you’ll post that after some thinking time, you guys will revisit the issue. Sending you big hugs.

  12. February 8, 2012

    DH and I had a similar conversation where I tried to explain what it was like to be me and how wanting a child isn’t the same as wanting a new pair of pants. He wants kids but I don’t think he gets the feeling like I do. I have felt similarly recently about coming apart, and we havent even STARTED the IVF yet – just the fear alone is enough to drive me insane. I’m so thankful for this group of bloggers who GET IT.
    Crossing my fingers for you.

  13. K #
    February 8, 2012

    Totally understandable. My husband and I are strong right now, but there have been moments when our relationship was hanging by a thin, frayed thread. There is no want in the world like this want. There is just nothing comparable. There almost needs to be another word specific to infertility, because it seems to go beyond want, need, desire, etc. It’s something that is supposed to be that just…isn’t. It is heartbreaking and frustrating. I hope you can feel better soon one way or another.

  14. February 8, 2012

    You have just vocalized so many of my own thoughts. It’s a horrible feeling to question if you could handle a life without a family and it is a thought that I don’t think a man is completely capable of understanding. I know my husband would be sad if we could not have a family but he would not be nearly as devastated as I would. He could find a way to move on.

    I am so sorry you are going through this right now, I am praying that your estrogen levels come back better and you are able to continue the cycle. Be strong Belle, you can get through this!

  15. February 8, 2012

    Such a powerful post, Belle. Thank you for always being willing to bare it all with us. The pain that comes with longing for a child is so primal. I think it’s something men really can’t understand because they just aren’t wired the same way. They want kids, but it isn’t something they inherently need. We’re all thinking of you and rooting for you. I just know you’re going to hear your E2 levels have risen and you can keep on keepin on.

  16. February 8, 2012

    Wow: I think this puts into words so well the “desire” (which is not the right word either) so many of us have had for a child. It’s not rational, it’s not optional. It’s a hard-wired instinct that I personally could not ignore.

    Beautifully written. I understand you, perfectly.

    • February 8, 2012

      Thank you for the compliment on the post! So good to know that I’m not alone in these feelings.

  17. February 8, 2012

    Don’t be ashamed of those feelings!! They are a natural and beautiful part of what makes you who you are – even if they are creating suffering right now.
    Sending you big hugs through cyberspace.

  18. February 8, 2012

    I’m so sorry. I hope you get some better news today.

    It’s so hard to have these feelings, and it only makes things worse to feel bad about having them. That’s what I’ve struggled with the most.

  19. Laura #
    February 8, 2012

    I’m so sorry that things are spiraling right now. and I just want you to know how much I love you lady! I’m thinking about you constantly and sending you all the good vibes I have to send.

  20. February 8, 2012

    Belle,
    I know the feeling of that desire, the ache and anguish of wanting a child and just wanting to be a mom. I know the joy and crashing disappointment of a cycle gone wrong. It sucks, because there isn’t anything we can do about it. I’m so sorry you are going through this. *hugs*

  21. February 13, 2012

    This journey continues to teach me that you can never fully understand someone else unless you’ve walked in mile in their shoes. Those outside of the ALI community can support us, but they simply cannot understand what it is like to yearn for a baby. This is why blogging is so powerful. I’m glad you’re here sharing your story!

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