I started conferring with Dr. Google yesterday. How do my embryos compare? All I found were people who had better embryos, bigger embryos, more embryos than we do. I found a woman who froze 19 blastocysts. I found women who did not have half the number of stragglers we have. I found information on how difficult it is for embryos to make it to blastocyst stage in vitro.
- Today only 4 of our embryos are strong morulas.
- 3 are early-stage morulas.
- 3 look like they might be considering becoming morulas.
- The rest are slowing down and ultimately ceasing to exist.
- That’s a lot of dying embryos.
I’m not religious. I have never believed in heaven, hell or a higher being. I believe we are here today and we do the best we can. How are we rewarded for this? Our kind legacy lives on after we cease. These beliefs serve me well about 90% of the time. Then something like IVF happens and I start wondering – is this what I’m supposed to do? What if there IS a higher power. What if there is something that is going to punish me for doing this to 27 embryos? How will people remember me when I’m gone? She who killed 20+ embryos in one fell swoop.
I don’t kill bugs. I cry every time I hit an animal while on the highway. I can’t stand the thought of people hurting people.
What the hell have I done?
I started down this journey with such a level, scientific head on my shoulders. Not all embryos thrive. Not all make it even if they implant in the uterus. These are just the facts. I never, ever, ever thought I would be this horrified and disturbed when my embryos die. What have I done?