I spent all yesterday obsessively refreshing my reader. “Where is the good news update on Mo? Where is that post that is going to make me feel like I am a huge drama queen and a champion over-reactor.
At 8 p.m. I could not stand it any longer and emailed Rachel. “Any news?”
Still waiting, she replied, but it is not looking good.
My heart broke a little more.
This morning Mo was the first person on my mind when I woke up. At lunch I refreshed my reader and found an update from Bodega Bliss and I cried all over again.
This is the first loss in the ALI community that has left me completely numb. Maybe it’s because Mo was the first blogger I connected with. Maybe it’s because I played detective one day to find her snail mail address and sent a box of “zen” to help her relax into what I was so sure was going to be a successful pregnancy. Maybe it’s because she returned the favor during a weekend when I was at my gloomiest. Maybe it is because I admire her writing and aspire to her level of blogger-ific-ness. Maybe it is because I can relate so well to her words.
As strange as this may sound to outsiders – I feel emotionally invested in each and every one of your pregnancies. Every woman battling infertility that successfully delivers a healthy baby is another point for our team. It is another piece of hope that I can tuck away in my stash and review during my bad days. I cheer each and every one of you on daily. I worry with you when you spot. I cry with you when you lose.
What has happened to Mo has left me so raw that I don’t feel it is right to bang out all the worries about my own situation. So for the next few days this blog will be flying at “half mast,” meaning I will not be posting and instead will take some moments of silence to mourn what a friend has lost.
Until next time, xoxo to all my sweet readers and love and light to Mo and her family.