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This Blog is Flying at Half Mast

02/21/2012

Belle

I spent all yesterday obsessively refreshing my reader. “Where is the good news update on Mo? Where is that post that is going to make me feel like I am a huge drama queen and a champion over-reactor.

At 8 p.m. I could not stand it any longer and emailed Rachel. “Any news?”

Still waiting, she replied, but it is not looking good.

My heart broke a little more.

This morning Mo was the first person on my mind when I woke up. At lunch I refreshed my reader and found an update from Bodega Bliss and I cried all over again.

This is the first loss in the ALI community that has left me completely numb. Maybe it’s because Mo was the first blogger I connected with. Maybe it’s because I played detective one day to find her snail mail address and sent a box of “zen” to help her relax into what I was so sure was going to be a successful pregnancy. Maybe it’s because she returned the favor during a weekend when I was at my gloomiest. Maybe it is because I admire her writing and aspire to her level of blogger-ific-ness. Maybe it is because I can relate so well to her words.

As strange as this may sound to outsiders – I feel emotionally invested in each and every one of your pregnancies. Every woman battling infertility that successfully delivers a healthy baby is another point for our team. It is another piece of hope that I can tuck away in my stash and review during my bad days. I cheer each and every one of you on daily. I worry with you when you spot. I cry with you when you lose.

What has happened to Mo has left me so raw that I don’t feel it is right to bang out all the worries about my own situation.  So for the next few days this blog will be flying at “half mast,” meaning I will not be posting and instead will take some moments of silence to mourn what a friend has lost.

Until next time, xoxo to all my sweet readers and love and light to Mo and her family.

Image source.

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23 Comments

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  1. February 21, 2012

    I’m so sorry. I don’t think there’s one of us that isn’t hurting by the news today.

  2. February 21, 2012

    This is beautiful, Belle. I’m just sorry I had to give you the news we were not hoping for. My heart is breaking for her as well.

    But all of this love that everyone is showing for her? Is really something. I’m in awe. It’s only proof of how much this amazing woman means to all of us.

  3. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row #
    February 21, 2012

    This is perfect. Thank you. xoxo

  4. February 21, 2012

    This is a beautiful post. That you have found the words to describe the pain of this horrible, horrible situation is amazing.

  5. February 21, 2012

    one of my hometown IVF friends just lost her twins on Tuesday at 21 weeks, I am still feeling so numb over the news. She came to the baby shower that i struggled to throw for my best friend (they are sister-in-laws) this weekend and i just couldn’t get out the right words for her. Instead i told her that i often say the “wrong” things and and I don’t know what to say other than “I’m so sorry and I love you”. To read that this has happened now to someone close to “our community” again just breaks me heart. Why does this happen to those who give so much and have already pushed so hard to have these babies. It makes you see the struggle ahead so clearly, like a slap in the face. I’ll add Mo to my prayers and thinking of everyone who is supporting her family today.

    not fair.

  6. February 21, 2012

    This is a lovely way to honor Mo.

  7. February 21, 2012

    I have no words – this is so very sad. I can only be thankful at times like these that the blog community exists for us all and we are not alone in our sadness.

  8. February 21, 2012

    This post brought me to tears all over again. In a time when I am so speechless and feel that I am so helpless watching someone we all care so much about, suffer. You found all the right words. Thank you for that. I am so grateful for this community and I hope Mo knows how much we are all with her in spirit right now, I hope it can give her even a sliver of comfort. xoxo

  9. February 22, 2012

    I think you worded it perfectly…..I was only a lurker of her blog, but my heart still totally breaks for her.

  10. February 22, 2012

    Beautiful.

  11. February 22, 2012

    Just beautiful.

  12. Kat #
    February 22, 2012

    This is a beautiful post. I know what you mean about cheering on each and every pregnancy and mourning the losses. I just can’t stop thinking about how utterly unfair it is.

  13. Jay #
    February 22, 2012

    This was just a beautiful post. I was not a regular reader on Mo’s blog, but I’m struck by how the blogsphere has rallied around her, she has to be an incredibly special person. I’ve lived through early (8 week) losses- it was not easy, but it was doable. To come so bloody close to viability, its unbearably wrong.

    I read your story and saw that you have Lupus. I’m sorry, that is an evil disease ( I study it for a living). A common physiological risk factor for both autoimmunity and issues in the fertility department is a Vitamin D deficiency, which is common (around 11%) in healthy people, but is incredibly prevalent in autoimmune prone individuals (around 70%), so I’d get that checked out, if you have not already.

    Best of luck with everything, I’ll be following your story.

    Jay ICLW # 5

    • February 22, 2012

      Thanks for stopping by, Jay. I popped by your blog and enjoy your super scientific approach to infertility. I look forward to following your journey and hope it has a happy ending soon. My Rheumatologist actually thought of the Vitamin D deficiency and had my vitamin D tested, especially since I am a pescetarian. It was one of the highest levels she had ever seen. The doctors are still stumped as to what exactly is wrong with me. Every time I talk to a new medical professional I get more head scratching, speculation and then the inevitable, “Our best guess would be a mild lupus.” But no one can say for sure. It is absolutely nerve wracking and has put such strain on me in regards to having a baby – do it now or else! Hopefully my number in the baby lottery will come up soon 🙂

      • Jay #
        February 22, 2012

        Wow, first, it does me good to know that there are docs who actually keep up with their required reading. The only really half-way decent dietary sources of vitamin D are certain varieties of seafood, so if you eat a lot of that and spend a lot of time in the sun and are genetically predisposed towards making good amounts of Vitamin D3 naturally (I think there are subgroups that have the opposite issue), then all is well. Out of curiosity, how high were your levels?

        It IS stumping. Because of all my reading, there are times I feel like an armchair RE, and cannot help playing detective with other people’s fertility issues- Sorry, but this is one of them.

        The only thing I can think of is a possible correlation between ovarian autoimmunity and your lupus-like presentation. This might be a good link for you to check out.

        http://fertilitylabinsider.com/2012/02/antibody-against-zp3-may-cause-infertility/

        Also, in some bizarre way, PCOS and autoimmunity may be linked,

        http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19296936

        The fact that you have annovulatory periods makes me wonder if you have PCOS- have you been tested for it?

  14. 35life #
    February 22, 2012

    This is so incredibly sad. I often find bloggers after they have already gone through the process and maybe even have a baby at this point. I couldn’t imagine following along with someone so closely from the beginning and learning this kind of news. Kinda lika a sister, ya know? So heartbreaking.

  15. February 22, 2012

    My heart is just breaking for her, it is so incredibly sad and cruel. How much should one person have to endure. Reading Mo’s post this morning made me cry for her and her loss.
    What is amazing in all of this though is the way we this community is coming together and feeling her pain. As we follow each others stories we also become part of each others lives somehow. Thanks Belle for a beautiful, heart warming post!

  16. February 22, 2012

    The camaraderie, sisterhood and pure love that comes from this community and these connections are amazing. You put it so beautiful.

  17. February 22, 2012

    This is a beautiful post. I’ve been so sad for Mo these past days, and you’re right. I had counted her as one who’d “beaten” infertility and to see this happen at this point in the pregnancy just seems so damned wrong.

    Thanks for writing this.

  18. February 23, 2012

    well done, Belle.
    Thank you.

  19. September 25, 2012

    So sad, but it’s really nice to have such a great support group!

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