About this photo: You would think that since I put together this challenge I would have picked prompts that would easy. Not so much, it turns out. I’m not really sure how I decided on the color purple, but regretted it this morning when I took out my camera and started to look for inspiration – I’m not a huge fan of the color. I thought about walking to my neighbor’s yard and photographing their crocuses, but nothing about this really inspired introspection.
While doing my makeup I pulled out my Urban Decay palette to decide what I wanted to do today and it hit me – not only is the palette purple, it addresses a topic that I have not really discussed.
Being told that you can’t have a child without the help of science is devastating. Not only does it mean that building a family will be costly, painful and difficult, but also that your body is incapable of doing the one thing that really sets women apart from men. For me, this was more painful than the injections, the retrieval, the heavy price-tag. The day the doctor said I-V-F I felt a portion of my womanhood die.
Today I struggle to feel good about myself and it is having a direct effect on my marriage: Mr. Husband’s and my romantic life is damn near dead. I look in the mirror and feel barren and unattractive. I run from a camera. I edit my self portraits obsessively, trying to photo shop in the part of me that has been cast out.
Gradually new beauty products have crept into my life. I read several fashion blogs and I started to look at these beautiful and fertile women, trying to figure out how I could look like them. How can I paint fertility on my body?
This Urban Decay palette was my first purchase and, I’m ashamed to say, was far from my last. I ordered makeup from MAC, I started getting my hair professionally colored and purchased an entire Aveda skin care line. I began buying expensive clothing again. It was a gradual buildup to a full-fledged problem. My morning routine used to take 45 minutes from entering the bathroom to stepping out the front door. Now it takes 60. The last credit card bill was horrific due 100% to my quest to find my womanhood.
This morning I looked at myself and thought “After all this work, I don’t feel better about myself.” Lotions, potions, layers upon layers of meticulously blended eye shadows and you know what? I still feel infertile. I still feel empty. I still do not want Mr. Husband to touch me. To look at me. I wish I knew how to fix this. How can I repair the hole that infertility has eaten into my womanly being? I desperately want to enjoy the fact that I am still young, I am pretty and by gosh, Mr. Husband does find me attractive even though my ovaries don’t work. But I don’t know how.
The March Photo Challenge participants as of Wednesday at 2 p.m. are:
- Mrs. GreenGrass at Baby Making Merry-go-Round
- Samantha Cass at The Cass Family
- Future Super Mom at Pregnancy 101
- Trisha from The Elusive Second Line
- Unaffected from For We Are Bound By Symmetry
- Robin from I’m Polycystic Inside
- Chanel from Just Waiting My Turn
- April from Where Do We Go From Here?
- Bon from My Unassuming Life
- Lora from Hope Delayed
- Rice Cakes & Redemption
- Jen at Sprout
- Aub at A Long Suffering Heart
- Annabelle at Infertility Sucks
- Peg at Que Sera Sera
- Ozifrog at Maybe Baby and the Adventures of Hub-in-Boots
- D. at Don’t Call Me Brenda
- Em at Follow Every Rainbow
- Emily at A Blanket to Keep
- (In)Fertility Unexplained
- Lisa at Hapa Hopes
- Jules at The Quest for Little Lambies
- Jenn at Future Fords
- Anna at Life With Twins is Never Dull
- Mrs. Rochester at It’s Gonna Happen
- Veetamia at Lovely Transitions
- Evelyn at Baby Makes 2
- K. Smitty at Daydreaming in Progress
- Mrs. Optimistic at Nothing If Not Optimistic
- 35 Life at Starting My Life At 35
- Infertile First Mom
- M3L at Re-Inventing Me
- Emily at The Empty Uterus
- Esperanza at Stumbling Gracefully
- Jessah at (waiting on link)
- Mission: Fertile Seoul
- Ess at Good Luck – Try Again
- Allycatm at A Baby Making Diary
- Slyn at Home Grown Love