Skip to content

March Photo Challenge: Day 16

03/16/2012

Belle

Prompt: Morning

About this photo: Another hasty walk to work this morning. I have been running late every day for the past two weeks. I blame the Ortho Tri-Cyclen. It’s my new scape goat.

*******

Click here to see a list of the lovely March Photo Challenge Participants!

*******

In other news, I’m still fighting The Sad. My acupuncturist tried to needle the depressed out of my last night. It helped until it was time for bed and immediately I could feel my heart pounding away. I remember having this problem as a kid – the pounding heart and anxiety filled nights. Back then I was able to drown the racing thoughts out by focusing on something I found calming and peaceful. I often would focus on Christmas (my favorite time of the year), our cats, or playing during recess. As I got older, though, these things no longer comforted me. Today, I am having  an incredibly hard time finding anything comforting. Thinking of Christmas makes me think of my home and all the terrible, stressful worries that brings up. Thinking of my cats makes me panic that  something will happen to them. And recess, well, I’m 31. Recess is about 20+ years behind me now.

I just don’t know what to do to empty these thoughts. Every time I lay down to sleep I am plagued by worries: I won’t have a child, I’ll lose my baby, Mr. Husband will leave me, family drama, work drama, my fears of what is happening to my body, lupus worries, job stress, fears of losing my mobility (this is something I have not written about, but haunts me every hour of every day), Mr. Husband’s lack of a job and on and on and on.

Oh my gosh, I’m feeling all crazy just typing these things out and I’m wide awake and at my office! The gym has become my safe-spot lately. It’s the only place I can turn the brain off. I sure wish it was open 24-7 and that it provided cots for the neurotic. Hopefully next week will be better. If not, I may commit myself.

I’m behind on my blog reading and commenting. I will try to catch up this weekend. Know I love each and every one of you. I’m thinking about all of you facing difficult pregnancies, scary TWWs, agonizing decisions about how to grow your family and even those who are blissfully feeding their sweet babies and joining “the other side” of the blogoverse!

xoxo

 

Advertisements

9 Comments

Post a comment
  1. March 16, 2012

    Never forget that the journey you have found yourself on is an incredibly difficult and profound one. I know now that I will never have a biological child and when I was first confronted with even the thought of it I thought I would literally die. Now that thought is a reality – and I’m still alive – and most days doing quite fine. I also feel like I have a greater understanding of things and I am glad that my life is mine. The health mess I’m in with chronic pain and endo is another matter – and one that still can keep me up at night. Somewhere along the line I realized that this isn’t the life I chose it is the life I got and I’m playing the damn cards for all they are worth come hell or high water! From what I can tell you are a lovely person and regardless of your adversities you will continue to be a lovely person whose life will be better than most just out of sheer creativity! My mom used to volunteer for meals on wheels and told me once that some of her clients were lovely and some were well, kind of grumpy assholes. I assumed it was the challenges of loneliness and ill health that made some of them assholes. She told me no – that lovely people tend to remain lovely and assholes tend to stay assholes – regardless of age. What I’m saying here is I am thinking of you — you are not alone — and you will always be lovely no matter what happens.

  2. March 16, 2012

    I hope you get past the sad….the hormones sure as hell don’t help, I find the IVF hormones tend to give that “nothing in the world will ever be right again” feeling, and after a while it is hard to tell if it is just the hormones. You’ve got a lot going on and every right to be sad and scared. I hope very soon you have baby reasons to be happy.
    PS – can I say that I am jealous that your out is the gym? Frick, why can’t my out be the gym? Why must it be the couch?
    xo

  3. March 16, 2012

    When I was plagued by THE SAD, I tried to distract myself with movies or books, and it helped a little. Even in the middle of the night…I’d come out and lay on the couch and watch PBS until I fell back asleep. For me I think it was the hormones and the stress of IF (which is completely normal and understandable), but it also became worse as I slept less and less.

    I hope you get to do something fun this weekend!

  4. March 16, 2012

    Hi. I’ve been following you since the photo challenge (brilliant idea, by the way) but haven’t commented until now. Because you just posted all the crazy thoughts that plague me (jobless husband and all) and wake me up in the middle of the night. And I don’t even have the excuse of being on rage- and sadness-inducing hormones. I think the gym is a fantastic depression-buster, but, like millionbabysteps, I gravitate more toward the couch. I hope next week is indeed better. Oh, and I don’t think you’re ever too old for recess!

  5. EmHart #
    March 16, 2012

    Belle, I am so sorry the sad has got you at the moment. Especially as it was your challenge that helped pull me out of my last sad. Just know that we are all here for you. For me it comes in waves, and at the moment I am lucky enough to be at the crest of one. I hope you find it easing soon, but until then just take time to pamper and look after yourself. I get night anxitiy sometimes and I have found rescue remedy, chamomile tea and reading old favorite books helps me. Massive hugs chick and thank you for your blog.

  6. March 17, 2012

    Sending you big hugs!! And hopes that your sad will life again soon. It can be so difficult to manage the anxieties. All we can do is let them be there and try to accept them.
    I’m a bit absent myself at the moment being in the middle of relocation from Amsterdam to London. Very stressful and also very anxiety provoking because we are in such an insecure situation with no jobs or own accommodation yet. Quite crazy, especially while being pregnant – all I can do is just try to tell myself that things will work out somehow…

  7. Mo #
    March 17, 2012

    Urgh. I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. I know this may be controversial to suggest, but have you thought about anti-depressants? There are some, like zo.loft and cym.balta that take care of anxiety really well. I used to have the same problem, and when I could no longer manage it (something like a year back) the happy pills totally saved me.
    The other thing that works for me is going through my favorite books. Like some nights I just go through the seventh harry potter book in my head, and usually I fall asleep somewhere around chapter ten.
    Either way- I hope you find some much deserved peace. Much love!

  8. March 17, 2012

    I am so sorry that TheSad won’t just leave already. Does your acupuncturist use the small Band-Aid-like needles that stay in place for several days? They were such a huge help for me during our last IVF cycle, when everything made me want cry, curse or scream. When I felt an attack of TheSad coming on, I pressed on these needles and it really made a difference.

    The good news is that this is NOT a permanent state. You WILL have a baby, and it will be the most perfect, amazing little baby ever because it’s yours. It’s just a matter of getting there, which is always the part that sucks.

  9. March 18, 2012

    I hope it’s just the hormones that are making you sad. Like EmHart said, I’m really sorry your are feeling like this when you have helped us stay away from the sad. I knew when I started these cycles I needed something I could count on to pick me up so I started watching Cheers. Whenever I need a good laugh or just want to stop thinking I put it on and crochet. Do you have a show you can go to to get a good laugh? Even have it playing in the background while doing paperwork or folding laundry or stuff. I wish I could take your sad away. Hugz!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: