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It seems someone is overly optimistic and it is not me

03/20/2012

Belle

My giant box of FET drugs arrived yesterday.

Total cost: $850.

I almost passed out when I heard this figure. Really? I thought FET’s were supposed to be significantly less? I talked to the folks at Freedom Pharmacy and they explained it was a lot more than others due to my allergies – Dr. A wants me on the progesterone that he felt was the least likely to cause an allergic reaction. Turns out that is Endometrium and it comes with a big ass price tag.

Mr. Husband and I toyed with using one of the progesterone in oils to save $$$ but ultimately decided that the added stress of having to shot me in the ass daily, coupled with the embarrassment of having to find someone to give me the shots while he is traveling in April, far outweighed the price. And so a giant box full of Endometrium and Vivelle dots arrived yesterday.

“Damn that’s a big box,” I thought as I walked into the dining room. Inside I found:

  • Several boxes of Vivelle dots
  • 90 applications of Endometrium

Wait, what? 90? I consulted my FET paperwork to see if I was supposed to shove this stuff up my ‘twat every three hours. Nope, just once every morning. Why on earth 90 doses then???

And then I realized my doctor is planning that this transfer will work.

I want to be this confident in my body. I want to feel so sure that this will work that I casually order 90 doses of retardely expensive progesterone support. But I’m not.

I have not done a great job getting my body “baby ready” during the past 6 weeks, I’m ashamed to say.  I guess I sort of lost track of time and thought this FET was still further off. Because of this, I don’t feel a shred of confidence in the upcoming transfer, which is unfair to both the embryo and my body – neither have proven me wrong yet so why do I have to be so down on them?

Typing that just made my skin crawl. This is exactly how I was raised – failure was always assumed until I proved everyone wrong. It was a hard way to be brought up and is probably the root cause of my desperate need for perfection in adulthood. I have sworn time and time again that I would not do this to my child and look, I’m doing it before he or she is even in my womb.

Shame. On. Me.

I can let these thoughts do one of two things to me:

  1. It can crush my hope and leave me a sniffling pile of Belle in the corner crying “Why me??? Booo hoooo hoooo.”
  2. Or I can write this revelation down, meditate on it, and then promise to do better.

I choose No. 2. I’m sorry, tiny embryo, for already assuming you will fail. I’m sorry body for doubting your ability. You’ve never been given the chance to support a pregnancy, it is wrong of me to pass judgement. I promise to do better for you both.

It is my sincere hope that I can take better care of myself over the next three weeks. I want to be well rested. I want to feel happy. I want to eat better and drink more water. I want to feel prepared and give my body and embryo the best shot possible, not shoot them down before they even get started.

How have you all prepared mentally and physically for an FET?

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18 Comments

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  1. March 20, 2012

    You can do this, obviously your Dr. believes to the tune of 90 days so you should too. This will be it. With my most recent cycle I really tried to take it easy, to write down all that I was thinking, whether on the blog or in my journal and to try to focus on really believing it would happen (very very hard after 3 failed transfers). I listened to Circle + bloom (which I highly recommend and maybe even have an extra copy of if you want) every day and just took it easy. I ate walnuts and spinach which are both supposed to be key and pineapple core for 5 days post transfer. Good luck Belle – this will be it!

    • March 20, 2012

      I have heard a lot about Circle and Bloom. I’ll have to look into it. Thanks for the tips! Also, already started back to green smoothies with spinach over the weekend! 🙂

  2. March 20, 2012

    Meditating. Lots of it. And exercise. Figured I wouldn’t get a chance following the FET (which has been true) due to doctor’s orders. Fingers are crossed for you!

    • March 20, 2012

      I started back with the gym, yoga and running last week. I hope it can help quell the anxiety and let me sleep more soundly.

  3. March 20, 2012

    I vote for a title change to “Someone is rightfully optimistic, and so I will soon be too.”

    I love this post because you are so clear about where you are and where you need to be. Don’t be too hard on your body or your embryos. So far we don’t know that they’ll cause you any trouble, and I really believe that they won’t.

    (Also, I bet if you asked your doctor, he’d say that what you ate or how stressed you felt over the past 6 weeks won’t matter. You’ll do great!)

    • March 20, 2012

      Lol! Love the title change 🙂

      I sure hope so because I ate crap! I don’t think my diet has been this unbalanced for YEARS. Certainly not helping me lose the IVF weight, either!

  4. Jo #
    March 20, 2012

    I just finished my second FET, and I found that both were significantly less stressful than a fresh transfer. I did all that you are already doing — tried to eat well, relax, and take it easy. I stayed busy and basically kept my mind on other things — at least until transfer. After that, all bets are off. 🙂

    Wishing you luck.

    Hugs,
    Jo

  5. March 20, 2012

    Well, I haven’t had an FET, as my last cycle came with 3 embies that we transferred all at once. I can say that I didn’t do enough of what you’re planning to do, which is find a way to de-stress. My plan for this cycle has been yoga + exercise (till they say stop) + reading + sleeping. I like the idea of this circle + bloom though. What else have you heard about it? It’s not that expensive ($59).

  6. 35life #
    March 20, 2012

    Haven’t had an FET but I’m thinking the acupuncture/yoga/try to like myself again approach this time is the way to go. Those Vivelle Dots, are like adhesive gold! Hang on to those. We had to fight for ours and they’re expensive.

    I think what you are feeling is normal right before you start. My thoughts, moods, ideas all take a 180 on a daily basis. Be good to yourself and it won’t be long now!

  7. March 20, 2012

    I don’t blame you for your “failure” mentality, though I dunno that I’d even really call it that. I call it “self preservation”, because it feels like its easier to deal with if you’ve prepared yourself for it to go wrong.
    You can do this, Belle!

  8. March 20, 2012

    You bought him the worlds largest gummy bear!!!! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about buying this. Have you seen the giant gummy bear on a stick?

  9. March 21, 2012

    Okay, let’s believe this will work and you my dear get yourself a healthy pregnancy and a baby with really bad hair genes, if it’s a girl you can even obsess together right! How’s that for a mental picture 😉

    No, but really, I’m rooting for you. Big time.

  10. EmHart #
    March 21, 2012

    You have another cheerleader here in England hun. I will be following and waving my pom poms with all my might.

  11. March 21, 2012

    And another cheerleader with bright yellow pom poms here from South Africa! You can do this, stay strong, be positive and we will all be there for you every step of the way

  12. March 21, 2012

    Staying positive for you too! Hopefully all the rooting for others will bring back my hope.

  13. March 22, 2012

    I didn’t get my body “baby ready”. I don’t really know what that means. I was barely working out, eating what I usually eat, was not taking prenatals. I don’t know if being “baby ready” makes a difference – anyway, it sounds like you’re pretty healthy already!!! Don’t stress TOO MUCH about it because then you’re adding stress (hahaha, catch 22 ..)

    Sending you so many positive vibes and eggy and sticky thoughts!!!

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