My giant box of FET drugs arrived yesterday.
Total cost: $850.
I almost passed out when I heard this figure. Really? I thought FET’s were supposed to be significantly less? I talked to the folks at Freedom Pharmacy and they explained it was a lot more than others due to my allergies – Dr. A wants me on the progesterone that he felt was the least likely to cause an allergic reaction. Turns out that is Endometrium and it comes with a big ass price tag.
Mr. Husband and I toyed with using one of the progesterone in oils to save $$$ but ultimately decided that the added stress of having to shot me in the ass daily, coupled with the embarrassment of having to find someone to give me the shots while he is traveling in April, far outweighed the price. And so a giant box full of Endometrium and Vivelle dots arrived yesterday.
“Damn that’s a big box,” I thought as I walked into the dining room. Inside I found:
- Several boxes of Vivelle dots
- 90 applications of Endometrium
Wait, what? 90? I consulted my FET paperwork to see if I was supposed to shove this stuff up my ‘twat every three hours. Nope, just once every morning. Why on earth 90 doses then???
And then I realized my doctor is planning that this transfer will work.
I want to be this confident in my body. I want to feel so sure that this will work that I casually order 90 doses of retardely expensive progesterone support. But I’m not.
I have not done a great job getting my body “baby ready” during the past 6 weeks, I’m ashamed to say. I guess I sort of lost track of time and thought this FET was still further off. Because of this, I don’t feel a shred of confidence in the upcoming transfer, which is unfair to both the embryo and my body – neither have proven me wrong yet so why do I have to be so down on them?
Typing that just made my skin crawl. This is exactly how I was raised – failure was always assumed until I proved everyone wrong. It was a hard way to be brought up and is probably the root cause of my desperate need for perfection in adulthood. I have sworn time and time again that I would not do this to my child and look, I’m doing it before he or she is even in my womb.
Shame. On. Me.
I can let these thoughts do one of two things to me:
- It can crush my hope and leave me a sniffling pile of Belle in the corner crying “Why me??? Booo hoooo hoooo.”
- Or I can write this revelation down, meditate on it, and then promise to do better.
I choose No. 2. I’m sorry, tiny embryo, for already assuming you will fail. I’m sorry body for doubting your ability. You’ve never been given the chance to support a pregnancy, it is wrong of me to pass judgement. I promise to do better for you both.
It is my sincere hope that I can take better care of myself over the next three weeks. I want to be well rested. I want to feel happy. I want to eat better and drink more water. I want to feel prepared and give my body and embryo the best shot possible, not shoot them down before they even get started.
How have you all prepared mentally and physically for an FET?