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According to Yoda and my Acupuncturist

04/13/2012

Belle

“Do or do not… there is no try.”

Last night I had a super hour and thirty minute acupuncture session. My acupuncturist, K, was excited about our upcoming transfer and was surprisingly supportive of out decision to only transfer one. Recently I confided in her my hope to go to acupuncture school when Mr. Husband graduates. I felt silly telling this amazing woman who heals so many in the community about my girlish dream to “help people.” I expected her to be all “Now Belle…” and delve into all the reasons I might not succeed and why I should reconsider. I have gotten this sort of professional doubt my entire life from parents, friends, mentors, everyone. For some reason much of the world perceives me as incapable of accomplishing many things in life.

Example: my family fought against my going to journalism school till the day I moved out. Not only did they find the degree useless, they were worried that “little Belle” would not be able to hack it at college. Four years later I graduated top of my class, with two internships under my belt and a job at a weekly paper. (Well, the job took a few months, but it came). Two years after that I was promoted to editor of a daily. Take that doubters!

So anyways, I expected a similar response from K when I told her about acupuncture school. Instead her face softened and she put down her needles. “You will make an amazing acupuncturist. You have no idea how happy this makes me. If you and Mr. Husband intended to stay in Lexington I would want to work with you. I’m looking for a young acupuncturist I believe in to take over my business. You would be perfect.”

I was absolutely floored. Me? Little Belle whom the world so often doubts when it comes to her abilities? Little Belle who can be such a bloody basket case from time-to-time? Really?

“Really,” she said. “I’m even more sad you will be leaving Lexington now.”

Last night I expressed my worries about only transferring one. I explained how Dr. A had acted, almost guilting me into transferring two embryos. K stopped me mid sentence and said I absolutely did the right thing. “You can’t go to acupuncture school if you have twins. You want to go to school and can with one, but not with two.” This was exactly what I needed to hear. I needed someone to voice confidence not only in my choice to only transfer one embryo, but also in my ability to have one child and pursue my dream job. I needed someone, other than Mr. Husband, to believe in me.

“Now you need to work on relaxing and trusting your body,” she said while poking a third needle into my ear (did you know there is a uterine point in your ear?!)

“I’m trying to trust,” I said.

“In the words of Yoda, ‘Do or do not… there is no try.'”

“Are you seriously quoting Star Wars or is Yoda also some great Chinese philosopher?” I asked.

“Yep, Yoda from Star Wars. I love that quote.” Then she poked a needle in my belly and twirled it slightly, sending shivers up my spine.

Do or do not. There is no try.

This has echoed in my head all day. I don’t do well with gray area and prefer my life to be black and white. Unfortunately, there is a whole lot of gray in infertility, which I think is a large reason why I’m handling it all so poorly. I see much stronger women dealing with much more serious diagnosis than “PCOS/General Ovulation Disorder” who handle the blows infertility deals them with so much grace. I suspect this is because they do better in that gray area.

Do or do not. There is no try.

You can’t get more black and white than that. Try is gray and according to Yoda, does not exist.

I have a choice to do (trust) or do not (not trust). So I’m doing.

I am trusting my body will take care of this embryo. I’m trusting my lining will be soft and cuddly. I’m trusting an embryo will find a good, solid home within me for 9 glorious months.  I’m trusting Dr. A and his embryologist will take excellent care of this tiny clump of cells. I’m trusting that I will get my take home baby.**

*IMAGE SOURCE.

** As mentioned above, I’m a basket case and I reserve the right to freak out again about this transfer. 🙂

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21 Comments

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  1. April 13, 2012

    That’s wonderful Belle! I feel really optimistic for you!

  2. April 13, 2012

    Your acupuncturist sounds wonderful. And when you become an acupunturist yourself, I’ll become your patient. I’m glad you found some much needed reassurance.

  3. April 13, 2012

    I love your attitude, and will also be sending you lots of good baby mojo from Austin. Your body is strong, healthy, & capable- and I am just knowing that little embryo will nestle in and camp out for the next 9 months!

  4. April 13, 2012

    I loved this post. Really loved it! Ive been struggling this month really having a hard time as well, and I cant even begin to articulte how humbling and difficult I find this process. I fully support your decision to transfer 1, and would just remind you to take one little hurdle at a time. You are in my thoughts, and I wish the very best for you!

    • April 13, 2012

      There is nothing easy about infertility and some months are way harder than others. I hope you see light soon. xoxo

  5. April 13, 2012

    Belle, you ARE handling this with grace. 99% of those who seem to have it all together – don’t. We all have our struggles, our moments (or many) of doubt. Most people just don’t voice them like you do – and I think that makes you even stronger for it.

    • April 13, 2012

      That is quite the compliment. Next time Mr. Husband says I’m being irrational, I’m going to tell him that I am handling it with grace and my blog readers say so 🙂

  6. April 13, 2012

    I am so excited for you about going to acu school! That’s awesome.

    I am also going back and forth about how many embryos to transfer…it’s so hard. 😦

    • April 13, 2012

      Oh it is such a hard choice, isn’t it? It is also a super personal choice. What matters is that you listen to you both your responsible side (for me: Mr. Husband has no job!) and your heart. I know you’ll make the right decision. 🙂

  7. April 13, 2012

    What a nice compliment! That does stink that you’ll be moving and won’t be able to work with K, but I’m VERY happy for you that you got the encouragement you deserve, along with a heaping dose of motivation and confidence in your decision. You are definitely DOING this and I am so optimistic this is all going to work out for you very soon!

  8. April 14, 2012

    Belle, this post rocks!! I absolutely LOVE your acupuncturist, she sounds incredible and you’re lucky to have someone like her in your corner. And she’s right, trust yourself because you are making all the right decisions for your future. I’m so excited to hear more about your journey to become an acupuncturist yourself, that’s so exciting and you clearly can achieve what you set your mind to. Now I’m sending all kinds of positive energy into the universe for Mr. Husband to get an awesome job because you’ve got the baby making handled! 😉 xoxo

  9. Mo #
    April 14, 2012

    It’s amazing how this journey changes our ambitions and our perspective.
    Crossing fingers, toes, and eyes for you!
    xoxo

  10. April 14, 2012

    I love it. Of course you can do it, no-one should tell you any different. It does resonates with me on what’s appropriate or not to choose work-wise. What a wonderful acupunturist you have there.

  11. April 15, 2012

    Your acupuncturist sounds so wonderful! What a nice, restorative session. 🙂

    For what it’s worth I think you are handling all of this so well. Being on all the crazy medications, plus the uncertainties with your body… and despite all of that it sounds like you are making sound, logical decisions.

    Wishing you a fluffy lining and a sticky embryo!!!!

  12. April 16, 2012

    Wonderful post Belle. It is so nice to have someone validate your feelings. Glad she was so excited for you to become an acupuncturist. So proud of you doing what is best for you!

    With my Hubby and I being huge Star Wars geeks, Yoda’s quotes (along with others) come up quite often in our house. That one runs through my head often and it reminds me to “do”. I actually recently put that quote on the bottom of my blog. I actually have a different yoda quote tattooed on my leg. I’m gonna post about it sometime soon.

    • April 17, 2012

      Must have the back story on your tattoo! I’m still working up the guts to get my tattoo. I think I’ll be ready after I survive labor and delivery 🙂

      • April 17, 2012

        I will post about it soon. I was going to get my 3rd tattoo, an IF one, right before we started the IUIs, but I realized I needed to wait. If I get pregnant with one of the next IUIs I will get it after I have the baby, but if we end up doing IVF I know I will want to get it before we start that. They really aren’t bad. Watch out they are addicting.

  13. EmHart #
    April 16, 2012

    Wow, I missed you all when I was away. It is lovely to come back to posts like this. Great post, great quote and what a wonderful lady you see. I hope you truly do get to follow your dream.

  14. April 16, 2012

    I tagged you in the Q&A that’s going around, if you’re up for answering some questions… (It was a helpful distraction for me.) Hope you’re having a wonderful day!

    • April 17, 2012

      Awesome sauce! Thanks! I look forward to distracting myself with it tomorrow!

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