“Do or do not… there is no try.”
Last night I had a super hour and thirty minute acupuncture session. My acupuncturist, K, was excited about our upcoming transfer and was surprisingly supportive of out decision to only transfer one. Recently I confided in her my hope to go to acupuncture school when Mr. Husband graduates. I felt silly telling this amazing woman who heals so many in the community about my girlish dream to “help people.” I expected her to be all “Now Belle…” and delve into all the reasons I might not succeed and why I should reconsider. I have gotten this sort of professional doubt my entire life from parents, friends, mentors, everyone. For some reason much of the world perceives me as incapable of accomplishing many things in life.
Example: my family fought against my going to journalism school till the day I moved out. Not only did they find the degree useless, they were worried that “little Belle” would not be able to hack it at college. Four years later I graduated top of my class, with two internships under my belt and a job at a weekly paper. (Well, the job took a few months, but it came). Two years after that I was promoted to editor of a daily. Take that doubters!
So anyways, I expected a similar response from K when I told her about acupuncture school. Instead her face softened and she put down her needles. “You will make an amazing acupuncturist. You have no idea how happy this makes me. If you and Mr. Husband intended to stay in Lexington I would want to work with you. I’m looking for a young acupuncturist I believe in to take over my business. You would be perfect.”
I was absolutely floored. Me? Little Belle whom the world so often doubts when it comes to her abilities? Little Belle who can be such a bloody basket case from time-to-time? Really?
“Really,” she said. “I’m even more sad you will be leaving Lexington now.”
Last night I expressed my worries about only transferring one. I explained how Dr. A had acted, almost guilting me into transferring two embryos. K stopped me mid sentence and said I absolutely did the right thing. “You can’t go to acupuncture school if you have twins. You want to go to school and can with one, but not with two.” This was exactly what I needed to hear. I needed someone to voice confidence not only in my choice to only transfer one embryo, but also in my ability to have one child and pursue my dream job. I needed someone, other than Mr. Husband, to believe in me.
“Now you need to work on relaxing and trusting your body,” she said while poking a third needle into my ear (did you know there is a uterine point in your ear?!)
“I’m trying to trust,” I said.
“In the words of Yoda, ‘Do or do not… there is no try.'”
“Are you seriously quoting Star Wars or is Yoda also some great Chinese philosopher?” I asked.
“Yep, Yoda from Star Wars. I love that quote.” Then she poked a needle in my belly and twirled it slightly, sending shivers up my spine.
Do or do not. There is no try.
This has echoed in my head all day. I don’t do well with gray area and prefer my life to be black and white. Unfortunately, there is a whole lot of gray in infertility, which I think is a large reason why I’m handling it all so poorly. I see much stronger women dealing with much more serious diagnosis than “PCOS/General Ovulation Disorder” who handle the blows infertility deals them with so much grace. I suspect this is because they do better in that gray area.
Do or do not. There is no try.
You can’t get more black and white than that. Try is gray and according to Yoda, does not exist.
I have a choice to do (trust) or do not (not trust). So I’m doing.
I am trusting my body will take care of this embryo. I’m trusting my lining will be soft and cuddly. I’m trusting an embryo will find a good, solid home within me for 9 glorious months. I’m trusting Dr. A and his embryologist will take excellent care of this tiny clump of cells. I’m trusting that I will get my take home baby.**
** As mentioned above, I’m a basket case and I reserve the right to freak out again about this transfer. 🙂