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04/21/2012

Belle

I am a counter. I count yoga poses and obsess when things are not perfectly even. For example, if we are doing a Warrior sequence and we miss one pose while doing the left side but not the right I get uncomfortable and feel the entire sequence is null and void.

Evidently it is obvious that I’m off-kilter when we miss a beat in class because my teacher has stared asking me, in front of everyone, “How many was that?” and I sheepishly tell her. Everyone stares at me in wonder and probably pity. This poor girl can’t get her zen on because of all the counting.

I count other things, too. It’s never become enough of problem I feel that I need help, though. Other than interrupting my yoga practice it really is just a quiet droning in my head and I rather like it. It’s consistent… unlike that damn Warrior sequence.

This need to keep count fits perfectly into TTC. 27 eggs. 6 embryos. 3 cycles in my entire life (I have only gotten to POAS 3 times in MY ENTIRE LIFE. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.)

I’ve never doubt my count. Unlike many cooks, I am always 100% certain that there are 4 cups of flour in that bowl. Until this morning.

A lot of y’all won’t agree with this, but I decided to start POAS at 5 days past 5 day transfer. I NEED to collect data. I need to feel some control over this situation. This morning I woke up at 4 a.m. and crept downstairs, feeling guilty and ashamed of my inability to “just relax and enjoy this.” (I call bullshit to any IVFer that claims she can relax and enjoy the TWW, by the way!) It was, of course, negative.

Then it hit me… am I 5 days past or only 4? How exactly is this counted? Oh my fucking goodness… I AM NOT SURE HOW TO COUNT THIS. And then the tears started. Not because of the negative test, but because of my lack of control and uncertainty with my count. Damnit. Maybe I do have a problem.

So riddle me this, IVF pros – do we count the transfer day as 1dp5dt, or is the day following the transfer 1dp5dt, making transfer day essentially 0? This is driving me crazy. Am I five days past or only four? Ah-ah-ah!

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23 Comments

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  1. April 21, 2012

    Oh Belle! Go give your kitties a hug! I am completely like you, down to the getting up super early and feeling guilty over testing, but doing it anyway. Try not to worry about a negative test so soon after transfer. Hard, I know.

    I’m pretty sure that transfer day is day 0. That would make you 4dp5dt. But other bloggers can certainly correct me if I’m wrong!

  2. April 21, 2012

    I think transfer day counts as 0, because they say ” day(s) past transfer.” I also POAS this morning (6dp5dt) and got a BFN. Feeling like an idiot for doing it in the first place.

    I think we need to stge an intervention for each other 🙂

  3. April 21, 2012

    Is it strange that after I saw The Count at the top of this page I ended up reading your post in the The Count’s voice in my head and every time you counted something I added his little “Hahaha” in my head? 🙂

    • EmHart #
      April 21, 2012

      This just made me giggle. I think I did that a bit while I read it too!

  4. sangela71 #
    April 21, 2012

    The day of the transfer is 0dp5dt.

    I won’t tell you not to POAS because I understand the compulsion. But I will tell you that my first hpt at 5dp5dt was a bfn. I saw a bfp two days later, and my first beta at 11dp5dt was 546.

    Bear in mind, this was for a twin pregnancy, too, so if even twins didn’t produce enough hCG for a bfp on 5dp5dt, I doubt most singletons would. So don’t sweat your bfn.

  5. April 21, 2012

    I love your post. I count obsessively like that too, and usually keep it to myself. I just dropped in from ICLW (#85). Hope your BFP is right around the corner.

  6. April 21, 2012

    I am totally a counter too! I’ve only done a tanning bed 3 times. But while i was in there, I just counted. I wanted to know how fast the time was passing. Uneven stretching or yoga bugs me too.

  7. April 21, 2012

    Transfer day is day 0- the next day starts the counting. ;o)

    • April 21, 2012

      I feel like such a dummy! Although, now I feel better knowing that it is only 4 days past 5dt meaning there is still a whole lotta hope 🙂

  8. April 21, 2012

    Part of me wants to say “haha! You miscounted!”.

    Instead, Im going to say from one slight OCD IVF’er to another I’d rather just give you a hug, and confirm, that youre right no one loves the 2ww. No one. Transfer day starts at 0. You cant control this, and POAS 2 days before anything will even potentially show up positive is setting yourself up for your heart to be broken. So as someone that spins off into crazy the minute I get bad news, I’d advise you with love and compassion to wait a few more days. If you can.

  9. April 21, 2012

    I honestly don’t know when to start the counting. I’ve never done IVF, but I think it makes sense to count transfer day as day 0. I completely understand your need to count to gain some control of this situation. Pee on as many sticks as you want to honey. I’m rooting for a positive one for you 🙂

    PS. Sorry I flaked out on the Photo Challenge 😦 Please don’t think any less of me.

    • April 21, 2012

      No worries on the photo challenge! I didn’t even finish the last two photos – life just got in the way. What matters is that we all had fun on the days we did participate 🙂

  10. April 21, 2012

    I like counting too, but maybe not as extensive. I don’t like the dance classes at the gym, because they are uneven in their left-right movements, so half my body doesn’t get the same workout, but that is also why I love BodyCombat and Yoga. Both sides of the body (should) get the same amount of workout.
    I also can’t help counting fruits and veggies as I put them in the baggie at the store, especially potatotes. *shrug*

    The 2WW just sucks and it is very hard to not obsess. I do have to say my last 2WW from IVF (#3) transfer in December was probaby the most relaxed I had been in ages, just because I truly didn’t believe it would work and was already preparing myself for a life of no kids. Strange things happen…

    Good luck and try not to stress too much about POAS. 🙂

  11. Jo #
    April 21, 2012

    I’m with everyone else here — transfer day is 0. So you are only 4dp5dt, and I have NEVER heard of a bfp that early. My earliest was so so so so faint at 6dp5dt that my husband thought I was imagining it. Hang in there a few more days, my friend. 🙂

  12. April 21, 2012

    If counting and peeing on stuff make you feel better, then I say go for it and don’t sweat it! You are so close now!! Hang in there.

  13. Shelley #
    April 21, 2012

    Hi Belle, I’m here from ICLW but have been following along with your blog for over a month now. My cousin is a counter like you (she just told me this recently). Apparently it got really bag during a period of high stress last fall. She was counting everything and always had to have even numbers. She couldn’t even stand it when the TV volume got left on an uneven number. I prefer odd numbers myself. They seem more balanced to me… oddly. Think of a seesaw. Anyways, as to your question, we haven’t gotten to IVF yet but it seems to me that 1dp5dt would be the day after transfer, so you’re still quite early on yet! Don’t lose faith!

  14. April 21, 2012

    That’s hilarious that your yoga teacher can tell when she forgets something based on your discomfort with the asymmetry!! I feel the same way, at least in yoga – I want to do exactly the same thing on each side, for the same amount of time, or else I feel lopsided.

  15. April 22, 2012

    It’s so hard to relax. I am going to die because my Beta isn’t until 13 days past my 3 day transfer and my DH doesn’t want me to test early (unnecessary stress, blah, blah, blah). This website helps me stay sane and realize that 13 days will only be 2 days past when I could have tested anyway. And, for you….

    http://www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer

    Hope this helps you count!

    • April 22, 2012

      This is a great link!!!! I am printing it and hanging on my fridge. Thank you!

  16. April 22, 2012

    I have no idea about the days past transfer thing, but wanted to say I hear you on the counting. I do the same thing with my non medicate cycles. How many DPO, how may days till ovulation, how many days till our maybe IVF vacation.(Also, though I don’t count in yoga, I too would feel odd if we skipped a side while doing the poses!)

  17. April 22, 2012

    I’m not a counter normally , but II totally wigged out during ivf because I couldn’t understand the ‘days’. They need examples in their booklets! I remember totally freaking I couldn’t even tell when the ‘day 5 transfer’ would be when I was trying to let work know which day i needed off. So youre not alone there. Do what you need to do to get by… Time will pass.

  18. April 23, 2012

    The two week wait is really really hard. I have my fingers crossed for you!

  19. April 23, 2012

    Oh we are so similar! I am also a counter, an organizer, a controller. I actually always count things in my head to, so weird I know! But I will count the number of letters in words, days until events are going to happen, and I can’t get enough of POAS! Good luck in the last few days of your 2ww.

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