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Queen of Doom and Gloom

04/25/2012

Belle

I swore up and down when I started this that I would not tell my mom until we saw a heart beat. My mother is the queen of doom, gloom and insult.

Yesterday at 6 a.m., though, I was weak. I needed to talk to someone, anyone, and blog comments were not cutting it. So I called her and she played all happy-go-lucky. I sent her a photo of the faint line. Today I sent the 8dp5dt photo with a slightly darker line and you know what she wrote back? Not “GREAT NEWS!” Not “I love you and I’m keeping good thoughts.” No, she wrote about how she is afraid I’m getting my hopes up just to be dashed since these lines are not very strong.

Thanks mom. I have a one finger salute for you.

Do you think I’m a complete idiot? I know they are faint. I know it is WAY early and tons can go wrong and, sadly, the odds are not in my favor. I also know that keeping me optimistic right now is really important and that any doom and gloom will do absolutely nothing to change the situation.

Why can’t she just be supportive? All my blog readers are sweet and humor me. They all share stories of their faint BFPs that have turned into healthy, viable pregnancies. Can’t she just trust my body till it proves us wrong?

I guess not. I’m now back in square one. Crying and mourning the loss of Pip before he is even gone.

Ladies, if Pip stays and I start talking about having my mother in the delivery room with me, someone PLEASE smack some sense into me. I’ll even reimburse you for the plane ticket if it requires a trip to Kentucky. If Pip does not stay, gag me next time around so I don’t wimp out and call her.

Now I need to fix my makeup again as I have cried half of it off again.

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28 Comments

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  1. April 25, 2012

    *hands you a tissue*

    I’m so sorry that your mother isn’t being more supportive and positive. That was a terrible thing for her to say to you.

    Although I’ve never seen a BFP of my own, I’ve seen a lot from other women and you have every reason to be happy and hopeful. Unless someone waits a long time to test, of course the line is going to be faint at the beginning. And it’s a great sign that the line has gotten darker!

    Hang in there. And DON’T LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER!

  2. April 25, 2012

    I’m so sorry. Family, friends…anyone really can be soooo insensitive. Her attempt to protect your and her own heart is NOT helpful!!!! HURTFUL and sooooo frustrating! We are here for you. Many of us have seen or heard about these faint lines. It is early. Your line IS getting darker. I have a good feeling PIP is here to stay!!! Hang in there. We are all walking with you! HUGS.

  3. April 25, 2012

    Belle,

    In the short time Ive been following your story, I cant believe how much I have come to like who you are. You are honest, you are kind and you have a BFP. You have 1 more sleep until its formally confirmed, and you have some anxious days ahead as you wait for your additonal betas.

    But right now, right this moment, you have ever single reason in the world to hope. Dont let one person take that away from you because shes afraid for you. Dont let anyone or anything take it away from you. You have toiled and fought, and right now, you are winning. Your fight isnt over yet, but you need to cherish these moments. And just take one day at a time.

    My thoughts are with you and a sticky little pip.

  4. April 25, 2012

    BOOOOOO! Mom=FAIL! I’m sorry she sucks at this.

    If it makes you feel any better…. by first line was so faint that when I brought it into the bedroom and showing the Hub he made a sad face and went into “I’m sorry baby” mode because he thought it was negative. 99% of people do NOT understand that even a FAINT line equals POSITIVE! Nothing would be there if it was negative. I have a feeling your beta tomorrow is going to be KICK ASS and you can just tell your ma to shove it 🙂 That Pip is alive and well, and ready to fight!

    xoxoxo

  5. April 25, 2012

    If I had known you were in Kentucky I would have gone with my Hubby on his business trip! Like you said, you know she is the queen of doom and gloom so no matter how dark the line was she would have probably reacted the same way. It may be faint but it is positive. Keep that running through your head. It is positive. Take it one day or even minute at a time. Remember to trust your body. DO!

    • April 25, 2012

      Oh I wish you had come with him! Does he come to KY often? You are welcome anytime. I just read your post about your new stim cycle coming up. Fingers crossed that this is the ticket!

      • April 25, 2012

        This was his first time, but since he is on a new project he might be going again. I will have to ask him. Thanks.

  6. sangela71 #
    April 25, 2012

    Oh, Belle, I feel for you. My husband made a similar comment upon seeing my first + HPTs. I had to tell him over and over that “a line is a line” and that the relative darkness of it doesn’t matter one whit. (And FWIW, I had twins and a first beta hCG level of 546 at 11dp5dt, and even that morning, my second line on the FRER was “faint”!)

    Don’t let her get you down. The HPTs would show stark whiteness, no line at all, if you weren’t pregnant!

  7. April 25, 2012

    Don’t listen to your mother. What does she know anyway? The line is faint because it is early!!! It takes a few days for Pip to settle in, and a few more for a blood test to even turn up positive. That you have a positive HPT already is fantastic!

    Yes, of course, something could go wrong, but isn’t that always true? It doesn’t mean that something will go wrong, or that it’s even likely.

    I think Pip is settling in, and your body is making room for this little guy perfectly, and that tomorrow you’ll have more HCG and an even darker line, and then the next day it will be even darker, and then the next day…

    I wish you lived nearer to us. You could totally come keep me company today. I’m just sitting around reading blogs and watching bad TV. Take care, Belle! I hope you feel better.

    P.S. I forbid you from reading any more emails from your mom today.

  8. Shelley #
    April 25, 2012

    Don’t let her get you down, Belle! Those lines look awesome to me – it’s still so early yet! I actually think it’s a GREAT sign that you’re getting lines at all right now. Faint lines in the beginning is A-ok. Faint lines a few weeks in is when the worry sets in. That hormone drip is just starting to flow through you – it takes time to get up to full dark line territory. Seriously, she’s batty and Pip’s a fighter. I’m rooting for you both!!

  9. April 25, 2012

    Oh Belle. I’m so sorry for your mom’s response. That’s just plain mean. Run-down of the facts:
    1) You have not one, but TWO positive pregnancy tests
    2) The line is getting darker!
    3) There is no reason why this shouldn’t work

    Honestly, you need to step away from her message and instead focus on you. As of today, you are pregnant and you have a responsibility to take care of yourself and Pip. Because your mom upsetting you is hurting Pip. So mom is now at the bottom of the list of people you need to give your attention to.

    Finally, I have faith that Pip will grow and be a happy and healthy baby. And this faith is coming from a totally crazy infertile/RPL survivor, so it’s got to mean something.

    Sending HUGS and lots of love.

  10. April 25, 2012

    BOO! I’m sorry your mom was such a debbie downer. 😦 Sometimes it seems like moms were made to stress us out!!!! That test is positive – if yesterday it was barely perceptible, it’s definitely there today, no matter what anyone says.

  11. April 25, 2012

    Oh no! You have a faint BFP that is steadily getting darker, like it’s supposed too. Your hopes are up. And they should be! Your mom must be trying to protect you in some weird way. Stay away from the doom and gloom!

  12. Jay #
    April 25, 2012

    Uhh..That is just an awful response and I’m sorry she responded in that way. First, to see darkening (even slight) on a line is such a good sign, I’ve seen many doubling betas when one day to the next looks exactly the same and people freak out.

    Just as an aside, I get the opposite reaction from my mother- she forbids me to be negative and comes from the ‘negative thoughts are not helpful’ school of thought, which makes me feel guilty about being afraid, almost like, if things did not work, it was because I wasn’t positive enough. So there is a very narrow window to say the right thing, though, your mom’s reaction falls very far from it.

    BUt—-Congrats!! Your pregnant! Forget what everybody is saying, I hope you can just savor the pure joy of this moment as fully as possible 🙂

  13. April 25, 2012

    “Crying and mourning the loss of Pip before he is even gone.”… Nu nu nu nu nuuuuuuuuu! Don’t do that!!! Visualise good things- make Pip strong. x

  14. April 25, 2012

    I’m so sorry. I have a father like this, everytime I talk to him I cry. He has yet to agree to meet my husband (whom I have been with for 4 years) and is anything but thrilled about my pregnancy.
    Your lines are getting darker, that is great news. I think Pip is here to stay :). Usually with chemical pregnancies people get a positive one day and negative the next, darker is good! With my chemical I had a super powerful digital but I could not get any line on a regular test. You have lines and they look great! And they will keep getting darker.
    And if you need somebody to squeel with call your bloggy friends, you don’t need her bringing you down.

    • April 25, 2012

      PS – check out anofferingoflove.wordpress.com she got her BFP about a month ago first one at 7dp5dt same as you and had similar lines (she’s got a whole week of them there) and she had her U/S last week, one perfect babe growing away, just a late implanter :).

  15. April 25, 2012

    Duuuude. Moms can suck so hard. A) they just don’t understand, especially if they didn’t have fertility issues and B) this is the same as when they used to harp on us about our hair or our outfit thinking they were helping but really just making our already fragile self-esteem go even further down the toilet. (Yikes, sorry that repression came out.) I think the line is definitely darker and it’s only been one day. I bet it will be even darker tomorrow. Can’t wait to hear the result of your beta!

  16. April 25, 2012

    Ugh, sorry hon! You need to find someone else to call in moments of weakness like that, have any good friends that are also dealing with infertility and know where you are at in your journey?

    Keeping good thoughts for you and your darker line!

  17. Jennifer Brady #
    April 25, 2012

    Do not give up hope! I’m sending good ju-ju your way for a strong Pip. I know of several instances where a “faint’ second line was a completely healthy pregnancy. Pip is coming, I know it!

    • April 25, 2012

      Oh Jennifer, just knowing your reading makes me boo hoo hoo. (Everything makes me boo hoo right now it seems.) It is a lot less lonely to know that some in real life friends are following this and cheering us on, too. Thank you for all the good ju-ju.

  18. April 25, 2012

    Ugh. I’m sorry Belle – stick with us bloggers!!!

  19. April 25, 2012

    Belle, bugger your mother. You are closer that you’ve ever been. That alone is cause for happy dancing. And yeah , you’ll be feeling scared something goes wrong . That’s natural . But right now, you are PREGNANT. You made it. Your body can do it. Get your hopes up if you feel like it, get worried if you feel like it, and hang on to that little secret growing inside of you. I was frowned on by a few people by telling friends & family before the “heartbeat” scan and the “12 week scan”… But my belief was “I’m pregnant. And this may be the closest I ever get. So I am going to celebrate every single second of it & tell the world.”. Of course you’ll get your hopes up. Of course you’ll be ridiculously attached to Pip. Go for it, my dear. Give your mum a bug cup of shutthefuckup along with her one finger salute , and celebrate.

  20. April 25, 2012

    I am so sorry your mother can’t pull her head out of her ass long enough to realize you need happiness, reassurance and support. That’s what mothers are SUPPOSED to do, anyway. I sympathize, however, as my mother is a very mean and spiteful woman who did her best to cripple me emotionally to keep me as her general dogsbody, and when that didn’t work, she brought out the big guns… we don’t speak much now.

    If your mother is a source of pain, or a non-supportive person in general, you are allowed to distance yourself from her. Just because she’s family doesn’t mean you have to include her in your life. Surround yourself with positive and caring people and remove the negative influences.

    Oh, and congratulations on your positive!! That is wonderful news and no one should rob you of the hope and joy – there are plenty of babies out there that started with a faint line!

  21. April 25, 2012

    If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.

    Seriously, I know how much it hurts to hear stuff like that from your mom. Just wait until you have that beautiful beta. You can tell her to suck on it.

  22. April 25, 2012

    Oh, Belle, I’m sorry your mom doesn’t seem to know the appropriate response to a recently pregnant woman is never, never “don’t get your hopes up.” Too late! You’re pregnant! The lines are getting darker and Pip is getting stronger! Keep those hopes sky high!

  23. Laura #
    April 26, 2012

    I am so sorry that the queen of doom brought you down, but as you can see here you have so much support from people like me who care so much about you! and, no, you will not be having her in any delivery room with you…I will drive to KY before I let that happen missy 🙂 Looking forward to a super positive test today!

  24. CAS #
    April 26, 2012

    OMG! iT DOESN’T MATTER IF THEY ARE FAINT- THEY ARE LINES AND THEY ARE REGISTERING YOUR HCG! IT SOUNDS LIKE SHE IS TRYING TO “PROTECT” YOU, BUT AS AN INFERTILE MYSELF- THIS IS NOT!!!!! WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR AND SINCE SHE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND IT AND I WOULD NOT LISTEN TO HER ON THIS ONE! I AM EXCITED FOR YOU AND PRAYING FOR A GREAT BETA NUMBER FOR YOU TOMORROW!

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