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Day three without an HPT and all is not well

05/09/2012

Belle

*A note just for Izzy so she does not have to do the math and since I’m still too scared to add a ticker 🙂 … today I’m 5 weeks 6 days. 

I wrote yesterday’s post in the morning, when I typically feel my best and wittiest. By afternoon, though, I still felt good. By evening I was fine and had enough energy to make dinner and take another walk. I even stayed up reading till 10:30. GASP!

Cue massive freak-out.

I called Mr. Husband and, after an epic fight about things that I’m not ready to write about, I melted down about the lack of symptoms and how I am CERTAIN this is over. It was an ugly cry. So ugly that a box of tissues did not look strong enough to sustain it so I pulled a clean flannel pillowcase from the laundry pile and sobbed into it.

I did not POAS today. I figure if Pip disappeared in the last day or two there would still be too much HCG in my pee and I would get a false positive.

This morning I broke out my new prenatal workout DVD, thinking it would help me blow of some negative aggression. Instead I felt like a fraud and wanted to  yell at Summer Sanders’ cute pregnant belly. The workout was shockingly challenging and a sad reminder of how out of shape I am. My muscles were exhausted afterwards and I fear for my glutes tomorrow.

Assuming everything is OK and I’m just over reacting, when do these freak-outs stop? Nuclear meltdowns like these are really hard on me, the husband and the cats (who looked terrified last night).

Now I’m sitting at work fighting back tears, peeling my nail polish (trashy) and worrying that it is over. Five more sleeps till ultrasound. Please let everything be OK.

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29 Comments

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  1. May 9, 2012

    I know the waiting to the first scan are a million times worse than the 2ww. Hang in there (hugs) xxx

  2. 1nJenifer #
    May 9, 2012

    I bet is 5 sleeps when you see Pip’s beautiful heart beating you will have fewer freak outs. Oh and I also peel and pick nail polish when nervous. I embrace my trashy side 🙂 xo

  3. 1nJenifer #
    May 9, 2012

    I bet in 5 sleeps when you see Pip’s beautiful heart beating there will be fewer freak outs. I know it’s so hard. Also, I peel and pick my polish when I’m nervous or upset too. I embrace my trashy sign. xo

  4. May 9, 2012

    Being emotional is a symptom! You have so many hormones running through your body.

    I think it’s time to begin Mission Distract Belle. Perhaps a movie tonight? A very funny audio book tomorrow? Music and sewing on Friday? Lunch with a girlfriend on Saturday? And sleep. Don’t forget sleep. You can make it to your ultrasound. I know you can. Hang in there Belle. I’m thinking of you!

  5. May 9, 2012

    I wish I could give you a hug.

    • May 9, 2012

      I could use a hug *sniff sniff* but do very much appreciate the implied hug 🙂

  6. Mel #
    May 9, 2012

    Believe me it will get better after you see Pip at the ultrasound appointment you will feel better and relax a bit. Unfortunately IF robs us of our innocence and our ability to enjoy the first trimester. It is very normal to feel like you are feeling…scared shitless about losing Pip… don’t be too hard on yourself. Try and understand that your feelings are valid and that it is just your Mommy instincts kicking in… ready to protect and fight for you little one. Hang in there!!!

  7. May 9, 2012

    Have faith in your journey. Have faith in Pip. Do things that relax you and try to keep the obsessive thoughts at bay. Dont let them rule you, enjoy your pregnancy until you have a solid reason not to. Right now frreaking out in your head, is not a solid reason! I send you hugs!

  8. May 9, 2012

    Oh Belle, I’m sorry you are so anxious and a fight with your husband on top of that must be so tough, know that you are far from alone in this, even if many of us are miles away. Thinking of you lots, just a few more sleeps now until the first peek of Pip!

  9. May 9, 2012

    I’m so sorry that you’re going through this anxiety and stress. I hope that you’re able to find ways to calm and distract yourself until the ultrasound. And I really hope that things are (or soon will be) smoothed over with your husband.

    Hang in there.

    *big hugs*

  10. May 9, 2012

    You are talking to the right woman! Seriously, we should be texting or chatting by phone. I am where you are. But, I have way more faith that Pip is fine than in my own! It’s so much easier to cheerlead for someone else! Maybe we can trade duties and be allowed to be frightened for ourselves but be positive for eachother. I know that Pip is your take home baby. I’m sure of it. 🙂

    Email me if you would like to chat offline.

  11. May 9, 2012

    Um…they don’t stop. I’m sorry. Welcome to pregnancy after IF/loss. You’ll find SOMETHING to freak out about right up until the day you give birth…at least I’m assuming. We’re at 26 weeks here my last freak out was Sunday. YES it’s easier to talk yourself off the ledge after you feel baby move because you can’t deny that it’s alive when you feel it but it’s amazing the things you can convince yourself of in the hours when baby is sleeping. It sucks. It sucks a lot. I’ve even convinced myself that NOW it’s ok to worry because I CAN do something about it if there’s something wrong with baby, ie. get baby out. Back when I was in the beginning I found it oddly comforting that if something happened there was NOTHING I could do and that no amount of worrying in the world would change it. Find something to take your mind off it all, best advice I can offer! You WILL get through it!

  12. May 9, 2012

    Even when I had the never-ending, crippling nausea, I would freak out if I felt even SLIGHTLY okay for even just an hour. I was sure this was THE END. More recently, I saw one spot of blood after stopping the progesterone, and had the ugly cry because I was sure this was THE END. I’m sure there are more ugly cries in my future.

    I don’t know your relationship/communication with your husband but I warn my husband when the ugly cries are coming on. I can feel the freak outs building up (mostly because I have freak outs all the time anyway, not just about being pregnant, so I can recognize the signs) and give him a heads up that I am about to go cray-cray and the best he can do is bunker down and weather the storm. And rub my back/hair/arm/whatever.

    • May 9, 2012

      I normally warn Mr. Husband. Last night was sort of an unusual situation with him being away and us recently getting some bad news (not related to fertility). It was a recipe for disaster. I will make it up to him upon his return with cupcakes. It makes me feel better to know you also have ugly cries while certain it is the end. Thanks for being honest and making a cray-cray girl feel a little less cray!

      • Kenya's mama #
        May 9, 2012

        You could also grill him meat 🙂

        • May 9, 2012

          Oh my goodness! It’s a Nat! You popped in just in time to see my insanity. It’s embarrassing. You should be glad I no longer live in Birmingham or you would have a constant pile of sobbing Belle on your hands.

          And as for your comment: I actually BOUGHT a cookbook by Real Simple with some really easy meat recipes to make him. Still no meat cravings myself, though. You’ll have to keep doing the carnivore dance 🙂

      • May 10, 2012

        OH! I forgot. He is out of town. That makes it that much harder 😦 😦 😦

  13. May 9, 2012

    I don’t know if they ever end….at least they haven’t for me yet at 15.5 weeks. Especially once you move to the OB and you go from weekly check ins to monthly ones! The weekly reassurance is so nice, to go a whole month is insanity. But the freak outs do happen less often for sure. It is ok to be crazy, and I swear at your point I was having zero symptoms at all. The symptoms definitely come and go, Pip is doing great, and the ultrasound will show him happy and healthy.

  14. EmHart #
    May 9, 2012

    I have no wise words today, these lovely ladies have said it all. I do have much much love and hugs for you and pip though.

  15. May 9, 2012

    You’re the best 🙂

    OK Mrs. I’m not having any symptoms…. do you normally freak out like this when you’re not pregnant?! Sometimes probably but not as often, pregnancy is making you an emotional wreck, its a symptom!

    For me the freak outs stopped when I started feeling shitty around 7 weeks. I hope for your sake that you start to feel like crap, but if you’re one of the “lucky” ones who doesn’t experience many symptoms I suggest getting a home doppler in a week or so. Maybe you’ll be one of the lucky ones who can get the heart beat early? The U/S is going to bring you a huge sense of relief that’ll last probably a week
    .. make sure your next appointment isn’t more than 2 weeks after the first. Beg if you have to.

    Last but not least, go easy on yourself. We all freak out during the early parts of pregnancy. Its the scariest most precious time we’ve ever been through in our lives, let yourself cry and have compassion for yourself. This is a hard time and we’re all here for you. You’re in my thoughts, xoxoxo

    • May 9, 2012

      Hmmm, I do normally freak out about things, but not to this level and VERY RARELY is a freak out accompanied by an ugly cry. I’m vain and take a lot of pride in my makeup… ugly cries only ruin my art 🙂

      Your right, the freak out is most likely a symptom. I think I’m going to skip the doppler because I know how obsessive I am – if I could not find a heartbeat I would meltdown instantly. Pretty sure Mr. Husband would take the toy away from me then!

      Thanks for the kind words!

  16. May 9, 2012

    This sucks. I wish they’d let ladies go get ultrasounds like you can walk in and get your blood pressure checked at the pharmacy. I agree with everyone else — the cray-cray is a symptom and distraction is good, good, and good. Movies, TV, a new book?

    I know that Pip is growing strong and big and things are going well. I can feel it!

    Oh, and stay away from the pee sticks. Those things are evil.

  17. May 9, 2012

    Oh Belle. I’m very sorry. I know you’re scared and the waiting is simply torture. I honestly have no idea what you can do to stop the meltdowns (and if you do learn something, please share). What I will say is that I’m holding onto hope for you and Pip; that I hoping in 5 days that there is nothing be tears of joy. Love and peace in the meantime.

  18. May 9, 2012

    Hey belle. I remember this feeling. Here’s what I think happens. Infertility creates information junkies. And you need a hit. You’ll feel good after the ultrasound, great in fact, but this gradually wears off and it feels unreal again, til you get your next hit. I think home dopplers are anxiety provoking, esp if you have an anterior placenta etc.

    So here’s what I think you do: a combination of distraction, and information. Read all about what’s happening inside. Get the book of photos in the womb called ‘a child is born’. It’s amazing. Then either vomiting lots, having a super powered nose and nausea or stupid super exhaustion will arrive, and you shouldn’t have any freak out time for a while.

    Then you’ll freak out around the nuchal at 12 weeks. This, too, will pass.

    Then you’ll be in the second trimester. This feels better. II have found apps that count the days and give timelines really soothing too.

    Our trouble is: we’ve achieved our goal, so why aren’t we enjoying it ? Because we’ve been to the dark side. Because we know too much, so much more than a “let’s try for a month oops I’m pregnant ” couple. Because we’ve gone from testing every 48 hours to wide open spaces of nothing, just when it seems everything is at its most fragile. See a counsellor at your clinic if it helps… I had to. All of a sudden one day my sister made me realise I could not prepare for the worst. That I just needed to let go, and it sort of clicked. But it took weeks to get to that. Remember most pregnancies JUST KEEP GOING. Life will find a way. Be kind to yourself, lovely.

    • May 9, 2012

      You are absolutely right – we are information junkies who know WAY too much. This is the curse of the ALI community – wonderful support but we see the absolute worst that can happen, and we see it a lot.

      I looked at A Child is Born the other day but am too afraid to buy it. I considered downloading an ap but am worried that it will be too tragic if something “goes wrong.” I am having an unhealthily hard time shaking this feeling of impending doom, which I realize is ridiculous because at this point my body has given me no reason to doubt its abilities. I did make progress when I bought the prenatal workout DVD. I know it stressed me out to do it this morning, but I do feel a little better knowing I did something good and proactive for Pip and I.

      And finally, I think a counselor is an extremely good idea. Thank you again for your support and your honest, open comment. You are a great support.

      P.S. The South Korean sounds amazing. I totally voted for him 🙂

  19. May 9, 2012

    Honestly the worry never truly ended for me. Some days were better than others but I was never truly stress/worry free. I think I just learned to coexist with it. Sending hugs and light… xo

  20. May 9, 2012

    Hang in there!! I didn’t have hardly any symptoms for ages and ages. 5 days will go by quickly, even if it feels like forever. 🙂

  21. May 9, 2012

    “Please let everything be OK.” echoing that right along with you. It will be okay Belle, I believe in Pip.

  22. May 9, 2012

    I’m so sorry things are so hard right now. It’s true that even if things weren’t all right an hpt wouldn’t tell you anything anyway. There is literally nothing that can assure you of the outcome of this pregnancy right now, or ever really. Pregnancy is so hard, especially when you’ve worked so hard for it and are a part of this community and know so many horrible stories. But remember you also know incredible stories of happiness and hope. And remember that you are stronger than you can imagine and you will get through this uncertainty in whatever way you need to. You WILL get through it. Just take it one minute at a time and do whatever you have to do to get through each minute. Don’t judge yourself or how you feel, just get through it in the way you know how.

    Keeping you in my thoughts and in my heart.

    Abiding with you.

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