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D&C tomorrow

05/22/2012

Belle

First, I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support. I promise to respond to you all in the coming days. Right now I’m enjoying an extra-large vegan date bar, a delicious Chicago beer and my sweet husband who dropped everything, rented a car and raced home yesterday morning.

I took another dose of Misoprostol this morning, this time orally because when I went to insert them vaginally I discovered the four from the day before had never dissolved. I took the second dose by mouth at 9:40 a.m. and by 2:30 nothing happened. I checked my cervix and found that it had dilated which FREAKED me out. It felt like a one of those soft little mini donuts that you buy in a 6 pack… in my lady parts! I don’t think I’ll be able to eat a mini donut again for a long, long time. I called my doctor and begged to be worked in tomorrow. He agreed and when I went by to sign consent forms he said never, in all his years practicing, has someone not responded to the drug. Again, I get to be the exception to the rule. This is getting old.

My D&C is scheduled for 6 a.m. tomorrow morning, which I know seems terribly early to most but is actually very agreeable for me. I am an early riser naturally and am happy to have this over and done with well before lunch. I will be having genetic testing done on the remains to help us determine what went wrong. I need as many facts as possible so we can improve next time.

I am a flurry of emotions right now. Sometimes I’m relieved and numb, other times I’m sobbing uncontrollably and others I’m hitting something (like the steering wheel from which I now have a VERY sore arm). I hope once this is out I can move on, reassess and process what happened. In the meantime, I refuse to call this a baby – it was not. It was a clump of cells that failed to get it all together. My Person In Progress lost his directions and was not able to complete assembly.Right now I’m happy with this thought and I’m ready to move on. I reserve the right to change my mind tomorrow, though.

Thank you again for all the love and support. Responses coming in a few days as I sort all this out.

xoxo,

Belle, Mr. Husband and our Four Large Fries

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54 Comments

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  1. May 22, 2012

    Love you hun, you’re handling it all so well. I think the different shades of coping is to be expected. You have every right to sob, be pissed, or numb. Whatever fits the moment. I’m thinking about you constantly and sending you all my love and hopes for healing and moving forward. xoxo

    • May 23, 2012

      Thank you, Izzy. You are an awesome bloggie friend. I’m a lucky infertile 🙂

  2. May 22, 2012

    Good luck tomorrow. I’m glad they were able to fit you in. I hope you and your husband are able to do lots of healing the rest of the week!

    • May 23, 2012

      Oh me too. I’m glad to be done and able to focus on healing and reassessing.

  3. May 22, 2012

    I am so very sorry you are experiencing this 😦 and perhaps even sadder about the complete lack of compassion from your clinic — seriously what is wrong with people!

    • May 23, 2012

      My clinic is full of douche bags! This is the last time we will ever go there. I even changed pharmacies last night.

  4. May 22, 2012

    I hate to admit it but I totally laughed at the mini donut comparison. That would freak me the hell out. Believe it or not, you are doing good. This is not an easy thing to go through and the emotions are unpredictable. I will say this…it gets easier. Piece by piece, day by day, it starts to get a bit easier. I have great hope for you my Belle, hope that you will get through this and go on to have a beautiful child someday. If you ever need to talk, I’m here.

    • May 23, 2012

      I try to insert a bit of humor when I can 🙂 Thank you for being here for me. RIght now I’m ok – relieved to have it over, delighted that I’m not too uncomfortable after the procedure and ready to move forward, heal and try again.

  5. May 22, 2012

    Ah, Belle. I’m so sorry for your loss, too. This business is hell. With that said, I’m so very glad that they were able to get you in for the D&C, stat! I had a D&C with my first miscarriage and it was a relief to have the process end as soon as possible. Good luck tomorrow.

  6. May 22, 2012

    Lots of love dear sweet Belle and Mr Husband.

  7. Amber #
    May 22, 2012

    Hang in there, Belle. One day at a time, one step at a time.
    I am glad you are having genetic testing done, also ask for a rpl panel to see if it can rule anything else out.

    • May 23, 2012

      Hey Amber, yeah, we are doing the RPL panel and a few autoimmune tests (some lupus-y ones) to see if that was the cause. I’m praying this was just some bad chromosomes and that it will not happen again. Maybe if we all think that REALLY hard it will be…

      • Amber #
        May 23, 2012

        Even if they find nothing, you will no you ruled out all possibilities. I wanted answers, but knew I might have to accept that there were none.

  8. Amy #
    May 22, 2012

    I am so so sorry for your loss. Hoping tomorrow goes smoothly.

  9. May 22, 2012

    Hi, I’m here from Mommy Odyssey and so incredibly sorry for your loss. I’ve gone a few rounds with the evil Miso. Thinking of you.

    • May 23, 2012

      Thank you for stopping by, Miss Ohkay. I have been a long-time lurker on your blog, actually. Congrats on your recent adoption. She is beautiful!

  10. May 22, 2012

    I’m so sorry you’re going through all this, but am so glad you are able to get the medical attention you feel will best resolve your situation. I hope the D&C goes well (as can be expected) tomorrow.
    Keeping you in my heart and in my thoughts.

    • May 23, 2012

      Thank you Esperanza. I’m sending you good thoughts too you, too. The snippets I have read on your blog the last few days sound like you have had a rough run. I hope the skies clear soon.

  11. May 22, 2012

    Ummm I’m thinking I may not be able to eat mini doughnuts any time soon either! 😉 Again, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. And whatever you’re feeling is just right for you. Whatever gets you through this painful time. I’m glad Mr. Husband was there for you just as soon as he could be. I was hoping for that! Take care of yourself – however you need to – and know that we are sending loving thoughts your way.

    • May 23, 2012

      Oh I’m so glad Mr. Husband is home, too. Although I’m delighted he came home early, I’m really bummed it had to be for this and not for some delicious booty call! Sorry about the donuts… 😉

  12. librisdraconis #
    May 22, 2012

    Just so you know you are not the only one when it comes to misoprostol: http://www.alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2003/03/the_best_of_thr.html
    I can understand not wanting to read that right now, so I’ll summarize: tried the misoprostol twice, no dice, skip to D&C.
    Other women have been on the sucky end of statistics.

    I don’t know if it helps. I hope it does.

    • May 23, 2012

      Oh I’m relieved to know I’m not the only one. You are a serious champ for handling the D&C without being knocked out – I’m humbled by your toughness!

  13. May 22, 2012

    Oh, Belle, I don’t know how I have missed these posts of yours! My Google reader has been acting funny and apparently deleted tons of the blogs I follow. I’m so sorry to have not been able to follow this journey that you are on but I am even more sorry that you are experiencing this. No one should ever have to go through this. Ever. My thoughts are with you and I hope you can feel my e-hug 🙂

    • May 23, 2012

      I totally felt your e-hug 🙂 Thanks for the kind words. I’m ok right now -sad, but ok. I have Large Fry Cats all around and a husband on the couch with me. I might miss my baby terribly, but at least I’m surrounded by love.

  14. May 22, 2012

    Oh Belle, I wish I could be physically there for you. Thinking of you always. I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible for you tomorrow.

    • May 23, 2012

      Thank you April, I wish you could be here, too. There needs to be an infertility airline that offers cheap flights to bloggie friends so we can all gather when sad things happen.

  15. May 22, 2012

    Nothing really to add other than “hugs”.

    • May 23, 2012

      Thank you, Lily! Just checked out your blog and I’m super excited to see you are taking up running! Go take a run today for me. I’ll be back beating the pavement next week once I recover. We can huff and puff together in spirit 🙂

  16. May 22, 2012

    I know I just started following you, but you are in my thoughts. I hope you are able to start healing soon.

    • May 23, 2012

      Thank you, Audrey. I’m glad to read your babe is ok. I’ll send you many good, spot-free thoughts in the coming weeks!

  17. May 23, 2012

    😦
    I think you are dealing with this wonderfully. Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. Just take care of yourself right now. *HUGS*

    • May 23, 2012

      Thank you. ~~returning *HUGS*~~

  18. May 23, 2012

    It is always difficult to know what to say in these circumstances as words just do not seem to be enough. Although you no doubt have gone through a massive sense of loss, you seem to be handing this horrible situation so well and I therefore am sure that you will get through this to be a stronger and more beautiful woman. This truly does suck. Sending you lots of love and hugs. xxx

    • May 23, 2012

      Thank you for stopping by to send love and kind words. I’m coping. Having so much support from across the globe makes it easier.

  19. May 23, 2012

    Early is good. For the body and for the mind. I’m so sorry and sad that you’re going through this right now. 😦

    P.S. This is Aly @ Breathe Gently – wordpress hates me & always logs me in on my old blog. Just in case you were wondering who the crazy lady is.

    • May 23, 2012

      Lol! WordPress can be such a pain in the ass at times! Thanks for the kind words, Aly.

  20. May 23, 2012

    Thinking of you so much ((hugs))

  21. May 23, 2012

    Belle, I would feel the same way. All of it. I am so glad Mr. Husband is there to support you. Having someone to hold your hand is so important. It’s 6:30 now, so I hope that means you’re done or almost done. You are on the road to recovery now. It may be a tough one, but we are all here for you. **Thinking of you, and sending you love.**

    • May 23, 2012

      Thank you, Sass. You have been such a good support. Mr. Husband was there and afterwards made me delicious pancakes. I’m a lucky lady to have such a sweet man. The recovery so far is way better than I expected. I’ll write about it after the rest of the drugs wear off. I’m a little out of it still… spelling is hard 🙂

  22. meggola #
    May 23, 2012

    I’m so very sorry you’re going through this. Many cyber hugs to you.

    • May 23, 2012

      Thank you, Meg. Cyber hugs are very much appreciated.

  23. May 23, 2012

    I hope all goes well today. I’m sorry you are having to go through this.

  24. May 23, 2012

    Good luck – I hope everything goes smoothly with the D&C and that you can treat yourself to something nice afterwards (though clearly not donuts.) Thinking of you.

    • May 23, 2012

      Everything went surprisingly well and afterwards Mr. Husband made me some delicious vegan pancakes and I treated myself to 6 of them – bad for the thighs, good for the soul 🙂 Thank you for the good thoughts.

  25. jak #
    May 23, 2012

    glad i skipped the donuts sitting in the office kitchen this morning!

    you are so strong, ms. belle. best of luck with your recovery tomorrow. you make me proud to be an infertile woman:)

    • May 23, 2012

      Sorry to have ruined donuts! Thank you for the kind words.

  26. May 23, 2012

    I’m so glad you get to go in tomorrow and get this over with. Much love and many hugs!

  27. May 23, 2012

    I’m glad to read it is done already.. also, good to know your husband is there with you. Hoping for a speedy physical recovery. Hugs.

  28. May 23, 2012

    Good Luck Belle. I am amazed by your strength. Thinking of you.

  29. Anna #
    May 23, 2012

    Oh belle I’m so sad for you. Take your time to mend and grieve xxx

  30. Wife #
    May 23, 2012

    I have no words other than you are amazing. Take care of yourself whatever that looks like and I hope you know I’m here if you ever need me.

  31. May 23, 2012

    I’m so glad that Mr. Husband was able to be there with you. Focus on the love and kitties and pancakes… and forget the donut….

    Lots of love and hugs.

  32. May 23, 2012

    You’ve been on my mind all day. I’m sending you enormous hugs and a little something in the mail. xoxox

  33. Jay #
    May 23, 2012

    Glad the D&C went smoothly– its great to be able to be knocked out through this horrible process. I hope the karyotyping shows a genetic abnormality, given the timing of your loss, its fairly high probability. And if you get that, you can atleast move on knowing for sure that this would have never worked out- its much worse when you suspect uterine factor.

    You WILL have a healthy baby someday. To shore up this hope, I highly recommend reading “Coming to term”, its an incredibly valuable resource for anybody who has had even one loss, and its practically recommended reading for the women who have had multiple losses. Its kept me sane through 2 losses and facing the probability that I may have more someday. I know despite it all, I will almost definitely have a healthy baby someday. Where there is a will, there is a way, though we may all have to stumble multiple times before we succeed.

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