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is this a joke?



Come on universe, how much more shit can you dump on me? The Misoprostol didn’t work. It is 6 a.m. and I still have a dead baby in me and I am not handling it with grace.

Back up to 9 a.m. yesterday:

After the ultrasound I went home, had my cry and packed up everything pregnancy/IVF related, put it in a box and shoved it the basement.  This is how I coped with my sweet cat dying years ago. I still have the box. I still have not opened it. Unhealthy? Probably, but repression is my thing; the color suits me.

After the house was free of all things baby/pregnancy/infertility related, I fixed my makeup and walked out – determined to handle this with poise. I had to go to the hospital run by my university to make sure the lupus panel was covered. I don’t want another fucking bill on top of a dead baby, thank you. Up to the second floor, into the lab, hand my sheet to the intake person who had bleached blond hair and green eye shadow. After a few seconds she bats her tacky green eyes and tells me I have to go to registration and get a wristband. Why? They can do the thousands of dollars of lupus tests, but they need special documentation to do my blood type.

You are fucking kidding me? I stared at her and in my best big girl voice explained that I needed this blood type done stat so I could take the medication to finish this and nodded at the paper. It was then that she looked at my diagnosis and rolled her eyes. She snatched the phone and called someone, somewhere and spent 5 minutes trying to decide how I get a wrist band to have my blood typed. “Go downstairs and register and they will get you a wristband,” she said quickly and handed my form back not making any eye contact.

Downstairs I go, still dry eyes, stoic and a little proud of my ability to handle this so well. I wait in line and finally get called up to window No. 6. “I was at the lab and was instructed to come here to register and get a wrist band so I can have lab work and my blood typed,” I said. No. 6 smacked her gum, snatched my sheet and then told me that she had no idea what I was talking about, I needed to go the lab. I lost it.

I stood up, put my hands on the counter, leaned into her face and hissed that “I have a dead baby inside me and can’t get it out until I have my fucking blood type. I don’t have time for your rudeness or your failure to read the order – miscarriage.” And then No. 6 laughed at me. I guess it is ok to laugh about dead babies but not ok to talk about them. I snatched the paper and stormed to the front desk where I was FINALLY taken care of and treated like a human, not like another cog in the fucked up system that is my health insurance.

Back up to the lab where I waited 45 minutes and watched the room fill and empty three times before they finally got their shit together and called me back. My phlembotomist took one look at my paperwork and said, “Tisk tisk tisk, you did not get your wristband. You need to go downstairs and get this before I can draw your blood.” Cue instant tears. All my dignity and strength just evaporated. Three other women come up, scratch their heads and then finally see a note explaining my situation and authorizing the draw. Their faces soften and I am sat in a chair. The young guy, who either can’t read or never learned compassion, looked at me and laughed, “Come on now! It’s just a little stick! You won’t even feel it.”

“I’m fine with a blood draw. I have had a terrible day,” I said. He continued to chat like nothing was wrong. No one wants to talk about miscarriage.

Because of all of this, I didn’t get to start the medication until 3:45 p.m. when my doctor finally got my blood type and said I was good to go. With a deep breath I put the pills in and then waited. By 10:45 nothing had happened other than some light cramping, like the cramping following a case of the whiskey shits. Two pea-sized clots passed at 11 p.m. and I finally fell asleep, just to wake up every hour to use the bathroom and wonder, “Is this just a dream?”

6 a.m. – no, it’s not a dream. It’s a nightmare and there is still a dead baby inside me. I’m to call my doctor at 8 a.m., hoping and praying they can get me in for a D&C today. I’m avoiding eating and drinking just in case. Please, please just go away so I can forget you, Pip. Repression is such a lovely color on me.



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  1. May 22, 2012

    Not a joke. A complete nightmare. You deserve to be treated with kindness and compassion, and it is beyond my comprehension how they could be so cruel. I am so very sorry Belle. You’ve had a horrible time and I want so much better for you.

    Repression, denial, they are fine places to be if they let you get up in the morning and face the day.

    Sending you lots of internet **hugs**.

  2. Theresa #
    May 22, 2012

    Again, belle, I feel like I have no idea what to say except that I am so sorry. And that lady who was rude to you deserves to be slappped

  3. ozifrog #
    May 22, 2012

    Ah Belle. What a big lot of horseshit the universe is dumping on your head at the moment. (Are you sure they aren’t staff from my ob’s office?) Glad you gave it back to them. Bastards. Take it easy, take time for yourself, and if stuffing shit in the basement helps, do it. Bottle of scotch? Do it. Sending you love, grace, inner peace and a swift end to this ordeal. Know that you WILL get to the other side of this.

  4. pegara #
    May 22, 2012

    From all my experiences in the medical world, I really wonder if they don’t sometimes hire the rudest, most inept people for sport. I’m sorry they weren’t more compassionate. *hugs*

  5. May 22, 2012

    My heart is breaking for you, I wish I can be there to hold you during this time xxx

  6. May 22, 2012

    Oh geez, how horrible, do what you need to get through all this. Know I’m thinking of you.

  7. librisdraconis #
    May 22, 2012

    UK’s health services people never seem to read paperwork or be able to answer the simplest questions. They’re idiots. That situation sucks, I’m sorry.

    • May 22, 2012

      Complete idiots. Are you in Lexington, too?

      • librisdraconis #
        May 22, 2012

        I was for 8 years and still have friends there. Currently in Blacksburg, VA. Bleah. Nice enough place, but small. My family is in Louisville, so I get to visit in Lex on rare occasions when we can make the drive. I stumbled across you here shortly after the move out of state. :/

        I don’t know what their problem is hiring people there. Every single person I interacted with was an ass-hat. People at the check-in desk, nurses, doctors, pharmacist– everyone. The male gyno in student health services… be glad you will never meet him. He doesn’t believe in endo and he thinks everything is just rainbows and sunshine and just take an Advil. One. I don’t even.

  8. Jen #
    May 22, 2012

    Oh, Belle…as if this situation wasn’t difficult enough. I can’t believe the lack of compassion you were shown. I’m so sorry for all you’re going through right now.


  9. CAS #
    May 22, 2012

    so sorry Belle- praying for you and you deserve all the love and compassion at this time

  10. Amber #
    May 22, 2012

    Oh Belle I wish I could hug you now! Something they don’t tell you is how much you will cry after a loss. It is grief plus hormones, which is terrible. I was a sobbing mess for several weeks. I don’t think I cried as much in my whole life as I did right after loss. I hope you find a little bit of strength each day. I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

  11. May 22, 2012

    How is it that so many people in the helping professions (medical, etc) are SO FUCKING RUDE. I’m sorry that on top of this nightmare you had to go through just inhumane and insensitive treatment by supposed-humans on staff at the hospital. You deserve(d) better. I teared up reading about this. I’m so sorry. This is the worst.

  12. Jen #
    May 22, 2012

    The way you were treated is truly appalling! I can’t believe the ass wipes they must have working for that hospital lab! I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

  13. May 22, 2012

    I’m so sorry. That’s all.

  14. May 22, 2012

    Belle – that is just the worst story ever. I’m trying not to cry for you in front of students. Dealing with hospital bureaucracy is that absolute worst part. How can they not show you basic human compassion when you’re going through one of the worst things ever. If there is seriously ANYTHING any of us can do to help, please let us know…distraction, writing a letter to your hospital for you, anything, please ask.

  15. Bethany #
    May 22, 2012

    Belle- My heart is breaking for you. It is ridiculous the way the hospital led you in circles. You have been in my thoughts and prayers for the past couple of weeks. I wish strength and peace for you during this horrible time.

  16. Mina @ Fertility Doll #
    May 22, 2012

    I can’t believe she laughed in your face. Where did compassion go? I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I feel deep sadness for pip too.

  17. 35life #
    May 22, 2012

    I can not believe the treatment you received. Why do people select jobs in healthcare if they aren’t going to have any compassion for others?! Is there an ombudsman you could explain this to? I sure would. That was a bunch of crap! So sorry.

  18. May 22, 2012

    This is completely ridiculous! I get that a lot of these positions take no more than a high school diploma to qualify for, but what a lack of humanity on the part of these people. I’m so sorry, Belle. The fact that you were treated so poorly following this news is shameful. I most certainly would tell your doctor, but more importantly please take care of yourself.

  19. May 22, 2012

    I’m so sorry Belle, this is absolutely ridiculous, no one should be treated like this WHILE miscarrying. I must admit this is why I did mine at home, I couldn’t stand explaining my situation to one more person, one more person pretending we don’t talk about miscarriage or possibly having one more speculum up in my business.

    I hope it’s all over soon.

  20. Jay #
    May 22, 2012

    Its awful, just bloody awful the way you were treated, but its appears to be a common theme, sadly. I had an ultrasound technician in radiology giggle her way through the ultrasound where we confirmed that my baby had no heartbeat. Not once did she say I’m sorry, she just refused to even acknowledge the miscarriage, and the more I cried, the harder she giggled, it would have funny if it had not been so sad.

    The choice between misprostol and D&C is such a tough one. I was initially torn for my first loss- I’d been told that in some cases misoprostol did not work or you had a partial miscarriage and might end up doing a D&C anyway. I was then explained the details of a D &C and I utterly panicked and cried- I’d never had surgery before and I was so scared. Thankfully, the D&C itself (which I chose in the end) turned out to be easiest thing, no pain, no fuss, 1 hour and it was done with me sleeping through it all, the fetal samples got shipped off to karyotyping without me having to deal with the reality of anything. So if you do end up having one- its not so bad at all.

    Take care of yourself, and I hope this part is done very, very soon.

  21. R #
    May 22, 2012

    Oh honey…

  22. R #
    May 22, 2012

    Oh honey. I love you. I’m so sorry.

  23. May 22, 2012

    Ugh, what a nightmare, wtf happened to compassion. I HATE dealing with labs, they are assholes, all of them. I’m glad you told off No 6. I am so sorry you have to go through this, to carry a dead baby is no fun….I think about mine daily after 7 weeks even with the other baby still thriving. Hard to move on or even deal at all when the baby is still there and you still love/want him/her. I hope that you get some answers soon and that Pip moves on so you can deal with a loss instead of sitting in constant limbo land.

  24. May 22, 2012

    OMG. I cannot believe the insensitivity and complete lack of compassion and am horrified you were treated so poorly. So angry for you. I hope you were able to schedule your D&C quickly. So, so sorry for your loss.

  25. May 22, 2012

    You poor thing, my heart is breaking for you. The nerve of some people is unbelievable. The bitch that laughed at you? She would not have any hair left it I had been there. Seriously I’d kill her then get her fired. I am so sorry you are going through this, I’m also praying you can do a D&C today. Stay strong we are all here for you.

  26. nobabiesyet #
    May 22, 2012

    What a horrible experience I cannot believe you were treated like that. That seriously pisses me off people need to get a clue and stope acting like assholes and not just because you were having one of your worst days but because it’s the right thing to do. Enough rant but dang that made me mad.

    I’m keeping you so close to my heart. Having a miscarriage for me was the worst wanting to move on but also wanting and needing to be sad. Sucks it really sucks for you. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if there is anything I can do to make this even a little bit easier I will.

  27. May 22, 2012

    I heard your terrible news from other bloggers today and wanted to let you know how sad and sorry I am. And also – disgusted at how you were treated yesterday. The very least you deserve is kindness, civility, and competence, and it’s a terrible shame these rude and incompetent people added to your pain. Do your best to let them go, and hold dear what you must to help you through the loss of your little Pip. I will be thinking of you and wishing you strength.

  28. May 22, 2012

    That hospital (and a few of its employees in particular) deserve the strongly worded letter that we all know you could write just brilliantly. After some healing time, and if it feels like it would be cathartic at all, I’d give it some serious thought. Thinking of you right now… Knowing you will survive this.

  29. May 22, 2012

    Just sending love to you and painful, painful rectal cramps to all the asses you had to deal with.

  30. Laura #
    May 22, 2012

    I am so very sorry. Sending love and hugs your way.

  31. TheRedhead #
    May 22, 2012

    So very sorry for your loss and the added pain of having to deal with insensitivity and indifference.

  32. May 22, 2012

    Oh, I wish I’d been there with you so I could have jerked those rude people up and gotten you a wristband myself. No, wait, I just wish you didn’t have to go through all of that in the first place. What kind of crazy process is that? Whoever came up with the process to make you go through that in the first place should be fired.

    Sometimes, repression is the best accessory. Wear it until you’re ready to take it off.

    I’m so sorry, again, for all of this. You will make it through this

  33. May 22, 2012

    Can you give us all the address of the hospital so that we can all gang up and go kick some ass? Unbelievable!
    I took the misoprostol but it took 2 days to actually pass the sac. Hang in there. As others have said, treat yourself, distract yourself, cry yourself to sleep… do whatever you need to do right now to get by. You will make it through. I’m so sorry though for your loss.

  34. May 22, 2012

    i am so sorry and so sad to read of your loss. my thoughts are with you (and are raging mad at the insensitivity you encountered today!)

  35. May 22, 2012

    Total utter fucking bastards!I hope you recover soon and Im so sorry for your loss. Small consolation but my heart and thoughts are with you.

  36. May 22, 2012

    What the fuck is wrong with people? Belle, I wish I could be in Kentucky right now and give you a massive hug. This is the most fucked up situation and people at that hospital need to be lobotomized and fired, in that order. Snuggle with your kitties and be as sad as you need to be.

  37. Jennifer #
    May 22, 2012

    I am so, so sorry that you had to deal with such cold, nasty people. It simply makes my blood boil that people who work in health care can treat a person so callously. I am very sorry for you loss.

  38. May 22, 2012

    Unfuckingbelievable. I am so so sorry about everything you are going through.

  39. May 22, 2012

    OMG. This is so incredibly shitty. I am infuriated by the lack of care and compassion you were treated with. Seriously. I am tempted to fly out and go all villager with pitchfork with these a-holes!

    I am so incredibly sorry.

  40. May 22, 2012

    Belle, I am so sorry for the ridiculous and inhumane way you have been treated today. I am reading it in disbelief…I just can’t imagine people behaving the way they have towards you. What kind of robot doesn’t feel sympathy for someone in the middle of a miscarriage?! With that said, bravo to you for telling off that bitch.

    I know how difficult the phase is inbetween finding out and the baby actually being gone. We found out that our baby had died on a Tuesday, and I was not able to get a D&C until Thursday. My doctor wanted me to “think about” trying to wait out nature or having the procedure, even though I knew right away I wanted the procedure. He wouldn’t take my answer on Tuesday. He made me call the next morning, but I couldn’t get anyone to call me back from the office, even though I left the reason in the multiple voicemails (b/c no human at that OBGYN ever actually answers the phone). Then, when they finally did call me back, I found out I had to wait until Thursday b/c no one had told me not to eat anything. I’d never had any kind of hospital procedure done except stitches, so I didn’t understand about the anesthesia rules, etc. I didn’t understand why no one understood what it was like to be walking around with our dead baby inside of me. Why I needed it out as soon as possible.

    I hope that you’ve been able to get the D&C today, so you can begin the process of grieving (or repressing). My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  41. May 22, 2012

    I’m so sorry Belle. My heart is aching for you. Sending you love. xoxo

  42. hapahopes #
    May 22, 2012

    I wanted to reach through the computer screen and ring those shit-head’s necks. I’m so sorry, Belle. Just so very very sorry.

  43. May 22, 2012

    That is horrible! What idiots! Complete assholes! Seriously I have said it before to you, I will happily come visit and we can kick some ass together! I am so so sorry you had to go through that.

  44. May 22, 2012

    So sorry about your loss Belle. I hate that you are dealing with this. Limbo-land with a dead baby inside you is the worst… I completely understand that. My last miscarriage I found out on a Tuesday it had died and it didn’t pass till Sunday night. Was a long, long 5 days of waiting. So glad you are able to get in for a D&C and end the limbo-land process. Praying for you as you begin the healing process. Big hugs to you.

  45. May 22, 2012

    I’m so sorry, Belle. For all of it. Sending you hugs.

  46. May 22, 2012

    There is too much sorrow to express via a box on a computer, and I realise I don’t even know you but I have followed you on this journey and I am so deeply sorry to hear about everything. And today just fills me with anger and grief on your behalf. I hope that karma comes to these people. Thinking of you.

    • May 23, 2012

      Thanks for the comment Viola. Nothing about this is fair, but I am trying, desperately sometimes, to remember that this is a NORMAL thing and that most women with a miscarriage go on to have healthy, happy pregnancies. My turn WILL come.

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