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This is going to be fragmented at best. I’m exhausted but cant’ sleep. I envy people who curl up and sleep for 20 hours when something tragic happens. Me? I can stay awake for days. I am afraid it is happening again.

I had my D&C today. Woke up at 5 a.m. to shower and was at the Out Patient Center by 6 a.m. I had the proceedure done at Central Baptist to avoid the hell that is the University hospital. After the blood draw nightmare I will never go there again. I have even changed pharmacies.

Everyone was very kind at CB. I got my IV, talked to all the people and answered all the questions. My two nurses had both been in my shoes before, and one now has a 15 year old. The other did not volunteer if she ever was able to succeed and I didn’t ask. After the questions were answered I was given a drug to “help take the edge off.” This is the last thing I remember. I have no memory of going into surgery, no memory of my husband kissing me goodbye. No memory of Pip leaving me. I don’t remember waking up and my doctor answering my questions. I hardly remember leaving. I came home and somehow 4 hours disappeared from me. Mr. Husband made me pancakes and then? I think I sat on the couch and responded to blog comments. I don’t remember really.

Sometime around 12 my 10 yards of tracing paper came so I started a sewing project. Stopped for lunch at 2 and then sewed till 8 p.m. Had an unsatisifying dinner and then bawled my eyes out because after all of this I feel no closure. I don’t remember anything. I didn’t see the remains of Pip. I don’t have cramps. I’m not bleeding. My vagina hurts a little, but only when I wipe.

My boobs still look pregnant. I’m bloated to hell and back. I still have the bad taste in my mouth that haunted me all during the short pregnancy. I still feel pregnant. And I don’t remember becoming unpregnant. I don’t feel better. I just can’t wrap my brain around everything. I want my baby back. I don’t want to be this statistic. I want a guarantee that I will get my baby. I don’t want a percentage chance that it will happen. I just want to know it WILL happen.

I’m really good at playing tough girl in real life. But now, at 12:30 a.m., after being up nearly 24 hours straight without sleep in sight, I can’t. If I can’t have my baby, please let me sleep.



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  1. May 24, 2012

    You are so strong. Sewing is a good coping mechanism (as an art therapist, it has a lot of metaphors embedded in the process, like bringing pieces together, making things whole that were once fragments, mending wounds). I don’t know what you’re making but I love that you spent so many hours on it today. You will get through this. Closure may come at an unexpected time. Give yourself some time and space. You will get through this.

  2. May 24, 2012

    I know how hard it is to look at yourself and still look that way but you’re suddenly not. I’m so so sorry. I hate for anyone to have to go through this. It just takes a lot of time. One day you will wake up and not feel like hitting things. Then another day you will wake up and not immediately begin to cry. IMO there is nothing that you can really do to make those days come, they just eventually do. I hope you get some rest, Belle. Xoxo

  3. veetamia #
    May 24, 2012

    Sending you hugs ♥

  4. May 24, 2012

    Oh lady. How I wish I was there to give you a hug and sit with you. Just to be. Don’t try to analyze. Don’t try for answers. Not right now, at least. Just focus on being good to yourself, on finding distraction. I’m holding you in my heart, hoping that sleep finds you soon.

  5. May 24, 2012

    I’m like you Belle, the worse stuff is, the less I sleep. Its a horrible nothing space to be in. You ARE going to have a child. You ARE. Don’t even doubt it for a minute, ok?

    This is just nature’s way of sorting out genetic problems most of the time. It’s horrible, that’s not to underplay the emotional turmoil of it, but it’s something very natural. It’s not easy. It’s a stupid lottery. Nature was just doing it’s job. We’re about as efficient at reproduction as freakin panda bears, I swear!

    Just be how you are each day. See it, acknowledge it, sit with it, distract yourself when it gets too hard, and understand “this too, will pass.” You are NOT a statistic. You are an individual. An individual who is going to find a shitty few days ahead, but this loss will become a part of you, and you’ll walk tall again and hold your own baby in your arms. You WILL. Not exactly when you wanted to, not in the unscathed easy natural way you’d hoped, but all of that won’t matter a bit when you feel a little person kick you from the inside, or hold them. Take one hour at a time and your head will catch up soon. Big big aussie hugs. I should send you twisties and scotch, my weapons of choice in the infertility wars.

    (Get drugs if sleep doesn’t improve in a couple of days!)

  6. May 24, 2012

    I’m so sorry. I understand the pain and grief this causes, and I feel for you. I KNOW it’s not easy. Not easy at all. As everyone has already said, it does get easier, though. There’s just no saying when. A month ago, I thought I would never be okay again. I still feel sad, sometimes quite often, but the pain isn’t as raw as it once was and there are moments when I can forget for a small while. If you need to, you can do something to commemorate your little Pip. That helped me a lot, but I know some people just want to move forward and forget. Do whatever you need to ease the pain. Just be kind to yourself. Someone gave me that advice after I lost my baby and it has echoed in my head ever since. Be gentle and tender and treat yourself well in these tough days. I’m thinking of you!

  7. May 24, 2012

    Thinking of you. I’ve not been in this exact spot that you are in, but I can empathize immensely. Take your time, it does help.

  8. May 24, 2012

    Belle, I am sorry. Please give yourself time – time to find closure, time to heal, time to get ready to be pregnant again. Things are awful now – and that’s okay, this just happened – but they will get better. You will have a child. You will grow your family.

    I’m sorry you have to suffer this tragedy. Soon I will say, I’m sorry you survived this tragedy. In the meantime, I send you lots of love. Be patient with yourself, and let me know if there is something I can do to help.

  9. May 24, 2012

    Thinking of you all the time xxx

  10. Mina @ Fertility Doll #
    May 24, 2012

    Sending you lots of love. I don’t even know you yet I’ve been thinking of you lots this week. Truly heartbroken for you. Snuggle up with your husband – maybe that will help you sleep? Always helps me when I’m distressed x

  11. May 24, 2012

    I feel like screaming for you! I feel like I want to carry some of this burden for you. What you are currently going through seems to burdensome for one person. I hope you can take comfort (at least some) that there are so many people who care and support you. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You are going through a traumatic experience – it really is. It is not fair, but take heart that you – yes you – are strong enough to get through this and see life’s beauty at the other end. You may not feel like you can right now, but I have faith and belief that you will. There is no ‘right’ way to handle what you have gone through – but know that how you are handling it right now is perfectly fine. Sending you big hugs, thoughts and my prayers. I hope this doesn’t come across condesendingly – but may God bless you and bring forward your dreams in the very near future! xxx

  12. meggola #
    May 24, 2012

    Oh Belle, I’m so sorry you have to go through this! It’s a pain that no woman should have to go through, yet too many of us do. It’s so cruel that our bodies take so long to catch up and you have to keep feeling like you’re pregnant. I’m glad you found a better hospital to go to. Sometime later when you’re feeling better we’ll have to talk about sewing – it’s what I do for a living. I’d love to know what you make! Hang in there, I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but it will get better. Do what you need to do to heal. Sending you many hugs.

  13. May 24, 2012

    Lots of love and hugs, Belle.

  14. May 24, 2012

    “I want my baby back”. I know. I’ve cried these words so much in the last 4 months. I’m so sorry, Belle. Hope you got some sleep xo

  15. Amber #
    May 24, 2012

    You don’t have to be a tough girl right now. It’s okay to let your guard down. Take it easy and rest. Remember, take it one day at a time. HUGS!

  16. May 24, 2012

    I have no words. It’s tough, so so tough. Just know I’m thinking of you dear.

  17. May 24, 2012

    I told you that you would be in my thoughts and you have been constantly the last two days. I wish there was a magic word I could say to make you feel better and not have to go through this but there isnt (that I know of). So please take care of yourself for now and let yourself grieve and know that there are alot of people out there that are holding your pain in their hearts and thoughts as if it was their own and are thinking of you and sending you as much good thoughts as they can.

  18. May 24, 2012

    I’ve always said that miscarriages would be easier to survive if you knew that that was what you had to survive to have a healthy pregnancy, as in if someone told me I would have say 5 miscarriages and THEN a perfectly healthy pregnancy and baby then i could do it, I could survive those miscarriages, but it’s the unknown at the end that makes them so hard. It’s the what if that was my only chance to have a baby feelings that come with a miscarriage that make them so devastating, they take away all of the dreams you had for the future with no guarantee that you will ever get them back.

    I’m so sorry you’re in this miserable place and I’ve cried for you more than once over the last few days as I’m always dragged back to memories of my own miscarriage and I’m overwhelmed with the sadness and pain I felt. All I can do is tell you that my thoughts are with you right now and I hope that this is the last thing you have to survive before you get your healthy pregnancy and baby.

  19. May 24, 2012

    I’m so sorry that you had to become the statistic too Belle, it is truly a nightmare. I does get easier though. There are times that I still long for my baby too but as time goes on the feeling starts weening and I feel a bit stronger. I know you can do this, you are so strong. You may not know that it will happen but I know it will FOR you. You WILL be a mother. Stay strong and sleep love.

  20. May 24, 2012

    I know first hand how hard this can be, and that time is really the only true healer. I am glad to hear you are letting yourself feel and express the emotions that come with this- that is the healthiest thing you can do! Like Ozifrog said, this is a really ‘normal’ occurrence, and nature is dictating that something wasn’t developing just right. The good news? Somebody is obviously ready to have you as their mama! Someone was ready to come and started their journey to you, but for whatever reason that little body wasn’t just right for this little one’s current mission and here with your family. Your body now KNOWS how to be pregnant, and WILL recognize and do it again! I got pregnant 3 months after our miscarriage with what appears to be a very healthy fighter, and I hear stories like that all the time. Your little one WILL come back- they are obviously ready! Sending you big hugs. Go sew some fabulous items & nurture yourself in every way possible.

  21. May 24, 2012

    Thinking of you and sending hugs. Hope you get some rest.

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