This is going to be fragmented at best. I’m exhausted but cant’ sleep. I envy people who curl up and sleep for 20 hours when something tragic happens. Me? I can stay awake for days. I am afraid it is happening again.
I had my D&C today. Woke up at 5 a.m. to shower and was at the Out Patient Center by 6 a.m. I had the proceedure done at Central Baptist to avoid the hell that is the University hospital. After the blood draw nightmare I will never go there again. I have even changed pharmacies.
Everyone was very kind at CB. I got my IV, talked to all the people and answered all the questions. My two nurses had both been in my shoes before, and one now has a 15 year old. The other did not volunteer if she ever was able to succeed and I didn’t ask. After the questions were answered I was given a drug to “help take the edge off.” This is the last thing I remember. I have no memory of going into surgery, no memory of my husband kissing me goodbye. No memory of Pip leaving me. I don’t remember waking up and my doctor answering my questions. I hardly remember leaving. I came home and somehow 4 hours disappeared from me. Mr. Husband made me pancakes and then? I think I sat on the couch and responded to blog comments. I don’t remember really.
Sometime around 12 my 10 yards of tracing paper came so I started a sewing project. Stopped for lunch at 2 and then sewed till 8 p.m. Had an unsatisifying dinner and then bawled my eyes out because after all of this I feel no closure. I don’t remember anything. I didn’t see the remains of Pip. I don’t have cramps. I’m not bleeding. My vagina hurts a little, but only when I wipe.
My boobs still look pregnant. I’m bloated to hell and back. I still have the bad taste in my mouth that haunted me all during the short pregnancy. I still feel pregnant. And I don’t remember becoming unpregnant. I don’t feel better. I just can’t wrap my brain around everything. I want my baby back. I don’t want to be this statistic. I want a guarantee that I will get my baby. I don’t want a percentage chance that it will happen. I just want to know it WILL happen.
I’m really good at playing tough girl in real life. But now, at 12:30 a.m., after being up nearly 24 hours straight without sleep in sight, I can’t. If I can’t have my baby, please let me sleep.