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I’m the mourning goose

05/30/2012

Belle

My job in Birmingham was located at the top of a mountain surrounded by acres of beautiful forested land. It was truly the most amazing place to work in so many ways. I miss it daily. At the entrance was a pond with a small island where a pair of geese nested. We all know how I feel about geese. I watched this family build their nest, lay their eggs and then watched as the birds hatched. One day on my way into work the babies were gone and the mother goose was flying low and slow over the water making the most tragic sound you can imagine. I cried for her and her loss. She mourned for days and I swear, the pond was never the same.

Lately I feel like that damn goose.

Every night when I try to fall asleep I see that damn 7 week ultrasound – still, silent, dead. Every morning I wake up and my eyes burn when I realize this was not just a bad dream.

I have not been an entertaining read lately, nor have I been great about commenting on all the good news this week. Know I’m reading and sending you all good thoughts and I very much hope to be back to my usual spunky self soon.

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23 Comments

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  1. May 30, 2012

    Belle, I have been thinking of you often and I am so, so sorry for your grief.

  2. 35life #
    May 30, 2012

    Such a touching story. It reminds me of my sister’s ttc journey. She had gone through a miscarriage, as did a neighbor, and she noticed a bird’s nest in the yard. She and my brother-in-law liked peeking in on the eggs until one day they were gone. No sign of life. Her response was, “even the birds on this street are infertile.”

    She went on to have a success story though. As will you. As will I. (Our first bird’s nest in our own yard had three eggs that all hatched and produced healthy birdies right around mother’s day, ironically.) It was a little symbolic for me as I transferred three embryos for both of my IVFs. Next time. It has to be. A little birdie told me so. 😉 Sending you good thoughts as well.

  3. May 30, 2012

    Take all the time you need. You are allowed to feel this way right now. Give it time, it won’t erase the wounds but it will make them a little easier to deal with.

  4. May 30, 2012

    Belle, take the time you need. Don’t apologize for not commenting and sharing in others’ news. You’re grieving. Meaning you and Mr. Husband need to come first during this time. I know this sucks; no one wants to be like your goose. But when we are there, we need to recognize that it’s okay to mourn what is lost. To not do so will drive us crazy.

    You are always in my thoughts and I’m keeping you in my heart.

  5. May 30, 2012

    I’ve had some great commenters this week who have reminded me that I need to allow myself to be where I am and not apologize or beat myself up if it’s not such a good place.
    Please take your time and be easy on yourself. We are here whenever you feel up to sharing your happiness, sadness, and everything in between. I’m thinking of you in the meantime.

  6. May 30, 2012

    I think of you all the time and am sending you lots of love.

  7. Mina @ Fertility Doll #
    May 30, 2012

    😦 you can be however you want – I think we all understand and can feel your sadness. I hope the scan stops haunting your dreams. That must be so hard.

  8. meggola #
    May 30, 2012

    What a tragically beautiful story about the mother goose. I would have cried too, hearing her grief.
    IF blogs aren’t always sunshine and rainbows – in fact, they are rarely sunshine and rainbows. You are going through something so sad and difficult – you take all the time you need and write what you feel. We’ll be reading and supporting you no matter what. Many cyber hugs to you.

  9. May 30, 2012

    Take all the time you need to grieve your loss. Thinking of you and sending hugs.

  10. May 30, 2012

    Belle, we all understand that you need time to grieve, to process what has happened, to take care of yourself. Please don’t apologize for your posts, your comments, any of it. This is your story, and that you tell it with honesty and insight is the most important. With time you’ll find your spunk again, but if it’s not today, or tomorrow. That. is. okay.

    Sending you love…**hugs**

  11. May 30, 2012

    Beautiful and haunting image of the mourning goose. Lord, can I relate. With my first miscarriage, I kept flashing back to that ultrasound image for months. I read somewhere that miscarriage can result in PTSD, and after those flashbacks I believe it.This time, I keep remembering the look in my husband’s eyes when the doc said it was over. It’s like a knife through my heart every time. Anyway – yes, be sad. Be the mourning goose. Be kind to yourself. Your spirit will return in time, let it take as long as it needs.

  12. May 30, 2012

    😦 I seriously wish I could just give you a huge hug and tell you everything WILL be better. And – one day you know it will…it’s just not right now. 😦 mourn and grieve, you need to. I know it’s cliche, but time really does heal.

  13. May 30, 2012

    This is one of the most devastating posts I’ve read about loss. The imagine of the mourning goose will stick with me.

    Abiding with you.

  14. May 30, 2012

    It’s okay to grieve the way you need to grieve. No guilt, just heal.

  15. May 31, 2012

    Belle, I struggle to know exactly what to say. I want to say it is okay – but I know it is not okay – it is anything but okay right now and you know what….. that’s okay too. You have experienced a loss and therefore you need to grieve. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, you just do what you can to get by until you feel a sense of healing. Things that seem difficult right now will be made easier in time. But you need to give yourself time! Just like grieving there is no wrong or right amount of time.

    For some reason this is your journey. Believe it or not, we all gain something from life’s challenges. My journey is seeing me writing a book. Your journey allows you to empathise with others facing fertility issues and maybe one day, all that you are hoping, praying and dreaming for, will far outweight all that you are going through today.

    I am going to say something that I hope you can relate to. Every woman who goes through infertility I think needs to hear this: There is hope. You are not a failure. This is not your fault. There is nothing that you did or did not do that resulted in this. There is hope.

    Me xxx

  16. May 31, 2012

    If there is anybody who doesn’t expect anything from you during a time like this, it is other bloggers. We feel for your loss acutely and also know how hard it can be to be happy for other people when you are mourning. And we mourn with you and your goose. You can only take one day at a time.

  17. May 31, 2012

    You have had a loss…that alone allows you to grieve. But the type of loss you have had and the fact that it was so traumatic means that no one is expecting you to just pick up where you left off and carry on as per normal after a week. This is a pain that will stay with you but it will get better, I can promise you that.I hope you feel better soon,but if you dont…then Im happy to hear what is on your mind and offer a cyber shoulder to cry on till you do.

  18. Deborah #
    May 31, 2012

    Belle, take all the time u need to heal. There will
    Always be a place in ur heart for ur little wonder and i hope over x your pain will ease. I hope u don’t feel pressured to respond to other blogs or write if u aren’t up for it. We r always here when u need us. I hope if you do write u find it cathartic and it helps in ur healing process. Sending u lots of love and blessings, my friend.

  19. May 31, 2012

    I can imagine that sound from mother goose, how heartbreaking. Allow yourself time to grieve, thinking of you.

  20. 1nJenifer #
    May 31, 2012

    Oh Belle. How my heart hurts for you. Thinking about you.

  21. Mo #
    May 31, 2012

    You don’t need to apologize for your grief. This space isn’t for our entertainment, it’s YOUR space. Be a “downer” as long as you want.
    Though I hope for you that you won’t be for long and you pull yourself out soon. I’m sure you will.
    Sending you lots of love.

  22. May 31, 2012

    It’s so okay to not be your spunky self yet. You’re allowed to grieve for as long as you need! It’s been 7 weeks since my loss and I still am not back to the old me, and I don’t know that I ever will be. But I do so hope that the days and weeks ahead bring you peace, healing, and hope.

  23. June 1, 2012

    This made me cry. Embrace your grief as long as you need. We will be here to hold your hand.

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