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An attempt at some positive thoughts

06/05/2012

Belle

I find mushrooms inspiring – from death and decay comes life. {Taken with my iPhone the day after my D&C}

I have started and deleted tons of posts about the past two weeks. These posts are bi-polar in nature, swinging between distraught, angry and hopeless to manically happy and chillingly detached. They are miserable to write and I suspect even more miserable to read.  That said, I’m having a hard time finding light in the midst of so much dark. Something has got to give, though, so I’m compiling a list of why it is NICE not to be pregnant. While I’m well aware pregnancy and a healthy baby trumps all of these things, I need to hang on to what little I have left so here we go…

10 THINGS THAT MAKE NOT BEING PREGNANT MORE BEARABLE: 

  1. The gym: I started back last week after hopping on the scale and being horrified to see that the muffin top I have noticed is not a figment of my imagination; there is definitely 10 extra pounds hanging around. It is good to be back at the gym, no matter how distressing it is to watch my midsection pooch and roll while doing ab work. I’m happy to be able to do something about this. 
  2. Yoga: I went back to yoga class on Sunday and holy hot damn it was hard! My down dog is atrocious and my stamina is shot. I’m determined to get my grace and flexibility back so I bought 12 classes and will go twice a week from here on out.
  3. My bike: I need to photograph my bike. She is wonderful and I have missed her more than I realized. Getting to work in under 15 minutes means I can sleep until 5:30 these days which is AWESOME! 
  4. Ahi Tuna: I have not indulged in this yet, but think I might this weekend. I have missed it.  
  5. Hair coloring: I’m now way more blonde than I am brunette and I am loving it. If miscarriage repression had a color it would be blonde.  
  6. Craft Beer: It’s delicious. That said, I should back off of it to help battle the muffin top. 
  7. Pinot Noir: Yes please. 
  8. Litter box scooping: While I don’t really enjoy this, it is nice to be able to tend to the stinky poo boxes myself rather than wait for someone to have time to deal with them. 
  9. No more dildo cam… for a while: It is refreshing knowing that for the next 3 to 6 months the only people who will see my lady parts are myself and Mr. Husband. 
  10. And finally… Sex: I have missed it. Before the transfer I was on the birth control of doom which KILLED my libido. Post transfer there was too much endometrium exiting me at all times. Then I had bleeding. Then I had a D&C. This weekend we did it for the first time in… um… so long I have lost count. Such a looooong time that I was worried I might have forgotten how it all works. Thankfully I have 50 Shades of Inappropriate (Grey) to remind me 🙂 

So that is it. I know it is a lame attempt, but after writing these things down I feel a little better. I’m trying to get my life back in order and reclaim my skinny jeans. Next up is another Picture Picture post, this time of a cat that does not belong to me (hard to believe, I know!)

*A NOTE TO MEANIES: Please don’t tell me that coloring my hair now will kill my next baby. And please don’t tell me that scooping cat shit now will kill my next baby. For the record: I wear gloves and scrub right afterwards. My cats and olfactory system are worth it.
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29 Comments

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  1. June 5, 2012

    I love that you did this! I was just thinking about your new “do!” Picture Picture Please 🙂 I hope this is the beginning of a totally great summer for you..take a break and enjoy it. Horny, curvy, blonde bombshells may only come around once in a lifetime 🙂

  2. jaclyn #
    June 5, 2012

    Toxoplasmosis is spread through the consumption of undercooked meat. If your cat is an indoor cat, and you don’t have any rats then your cat is at very low risk of contracting it. Most toxoplasmosis cases in the US are caused by eating undercooked meat. When you are having your blood drawn, you can ask them to test you for toxoplasmosis to see if you have already had the disease (its generally asymptomatic, so most people don’t know if they have had it). I’m so sorry you are going through this, and wish you all the best.

    • June 5, 2012

      Thanks Jaclyn! Our cats are all indoor kitties. I was actually tested for toxoplasmosis recently when I had my first round of uveitis. I was negative. I sort of always figured cat boxes were the least of my conception worries but there are some meanies in the blogoverse so I always feel the need to include a disclaimer. 🙂 This info makes me feel even better. I look forward to de-pooping the boxes free of guilt tonight!

  3. June 5, 2012

    Stinky poop boxes are the worst! But I still laughed when I saw Litter Box Scooping on your list of positive thoughts. 🙂 Glad to see that you are starting the healing process… With the help of a few good old friends. Alcohol, sex, tuna, and yoga are all good for you. And dye your hair platinum with a bottle of peroxide if you want to!!! Whatever makes you happy, my dear. 😉

    • June 5, 2012

      Litter box scooping when you have four monsters is a fact of life! Better to embrace it than hate it 🙂

  4. June 5, 2012

    How could coloring your hair now kill your babies? Or scooping the litter now? Whatever! I feel like if you’ve ever scooped the litter ever you are at risk for toxoplasmosis, and there is a guy who believes that something like 80% of the human population already has it. I’m not scooping now as a precaution but I feel like if I were ever to get it, I already did.

    Oh please indulge in the tuna, and take pictures, and be very graphic in your description of the taste. 😛 I can’t ever eat raw tuna because it makes me horribly horribly sick every time, no matter what, but it is the most delicious way to eat fish. Sigh.

    • June 5, 2012

      Oh Robin, if you only knew what my MIL has told me will kill my babies – hair color, cat poo, nail polish, sunscreen, cosmetics, tofu, the list goes on and on. It is ridiculous.Perhaps I’ll do a Picture Picture with Ahi Tuna…

      • June 5, 2012

        Your MIL sounds like the exact of opposite of mine LOL. I told her I’m not eating cold leftover meat because of potential listeria and she was like, basically making fun of me for being so strict. (She also smoked while pregnant, they didn’t officially say that was bad until she was in the middle of her 2nd pregnancy, and her kids turned out fine!)

  5. June 5, 2012

    Although I regret that there is a reason that you’re able to scoop litter again, I’m so with you on it being better to just do it oneself than wait for someone else to do it. I hope this and the nine other things on the list bring you at least a little bit of pleasure.

  6. June 5, 2012

    Glad that you are making good use of your baby free time. I find myself doing the same – doing the things this summer that I could not be doing if I were pregnant with twins. It is hard, and it sucks, but all we can do is make the best of it. And you will be pregnant soon enough. Ok not soon enough as that would have been months ago, but soon. Enjoy the yoga and skinny jeans and tuna and sex now, and that growing belly soon. Do you have a potential date for your next FET?
    And color your hair as much as you want, my girlfriend is a blonde (dyed) hair dresser with two beautiful healthy children. You will be one hot blonde mama.

    • June 5, 2012

      No clue on the next FET. First I need a period to happen which could take years! Dr. A promises he won’t make me wait 6 months, though, so we’ll see what his plan is once my HCG is at zero.

  7. June 5, 2012

    Who the hell says this “meanies” stuff? Seriously? Like you haven’t been through enough to deserve to feel like a human being again? Let me at them, Id break a nail for you Belle, all the way from Los Angeles. And just because I look like someones suburban wife (which I guess I sort of am) doesn’t mean I wouldn’t cut a bitch.

    Ok not literally because Ive never been in a fight in my life. That being said I definitely have a forked tongue so direct them my way. I have some of my own frustration to vent, and would happily take on anyone who says anything mean to you.

    • June 5, 2012

      Lol! So glad I have you in my corner! 🙂

  8. Amber #
    June 5, 2012

    This was a great thing to do! I did the same post d and c, including hair color! Yoga is so wonderful, it helped me heal a lot. You will have more dark days, but you are healing every day!

  9. June 5, 2012

    Belle, this was a great post! Your attitude and honesty are uplifting to me and inspire me. Enjoy scooping cat poo, drinking your wine, getting your body back and 50 Shades-inspired sexy time. 😉

    I’ll send you a reading list later this evening. 🙂

  10. S #
    June 5, 2012

    I think your list is great! As someone who has two 4-month-old babies, I can tell you that, truth be told, being pregnant really isn’t fun. (Although I think we’d all agree that we’re willing to do it because “the ends justify the means” in that case and to have the baby[ies] at the end.)

  11. jak #
    June 5, 2012

    i vote that craft beer is still in muffin top or not. solution? BEER ONLY DIET.

  12. Denise #
    June 5, 2012

    great post- I’ve also been feeling bipolar these days (7 weeks post D and E after a 13 week miscarriage). One day I’m ready to let go of any possible pregnancy and the next I want to try again (granted I do have a 2.5 year old from IVF whose mood and difficulty level probably play into this.)
    I’m also happy in some ways to NOT be pregnant because, like you- I’m 10+ lbs overweight from pregnancy. And after the loss I self-medicated by eating some bad food (read: cake) and also took up drinking wine again- a habit that lasted longer than the ‘1 week recovery’ I had planned for myself! That, combined with some depression that made me not want to hit the gym as much (even though exercising is about ALL That can lift my mood) moved me up at least 1 size in clothes. So I’ve been hitting the gym in full force and even made it to yoga last night for the FIRST time in at least a year. It was awesome.
    Unfortunately I have never stopped spotting post D and E so that’s still a total drag! Not sure if it’s the birth control pills I was given…
    Sigh. Ok, back to the gym!

  13. veetamia #
    June 5, 2012

    Love your positive attitude with all that’s being going on…I can totally relate and it’s hard to find the light within all of the darkness. That being said, I so-like your list! Should probably make one too…keep the attitude going! And will incorporate the 50 shades of erotica into my reading list…our first attempt at love-making completely sucked ja,ja guess lack of practice made us rusty…

  14. June 5, 2012

    Yay for craft beer AND pinot noir! Enjoy it!
    Awesome picture too. It reminds me of “Journey to the Center of the Earth!”

  15. June 5, 2012

    This is a great idea! Love every part!

  16. June 5, 2012

    Love it! I totally did one of these right after my miscarriage too, it helped immensely to know I could do all kinds of shit that the preggos couldn’t!!! Most importantly, DRINK MY FACE OFF, was top of my list =)

  17. ozifrog #
    June 5, 2012

    Yay for belle. Mmm Pinot and sex. Two things I haven’t had in…. Oh….. Six months? Ouch. I DID find german non alcoholic bitburger beer though, so there’s light at the end of the tunnel. And I could murder me some raw fishy goodness…..

    Good to see you finding a little bit of equilibrium now and then belle…glad you’re enjoying some of the freedoms. It will all happen for you, just (unfairly) not when you thought it would. Keep up the living in the meantime. You’re a tough chick xxx

  18. June 5, 2012

    Love this, Belle! I know it takes effort to try to see the light, but you’re working on healing day by day, and this list sounds like a fabulous start!

  19. 35life #
    June 5, 2012

    Thinking of you too. I love this list! It sounds crazy, but lists seem to help. Each day you might find new things to add to it. I’ll join you for #7! 🙂 And, you’ve given me a new way to think about mushrooms.

  20. June 5, 2012

    I love your list! Beer and sexy time sound really good to me. Have a beer for me while I wait. I like seeing lots of positive.

  21. June 10, 2012

    I say have beer and exercise more!

  22. June 11, 2012

    LOVE reason no 9!!!! Definitely a plus! Another one to add to the list should be “the ability to pack one bag and leave the house in under 10 minutes”…Just been on a plane trip and all I thought was “those poor woman”!

    Seriously though..your not as bad as you may think you are. I enjoy your posts,happy or sad because so much of it is exactly what Im feeling.

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