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Zero

06/21/2012

Belle

I have seen a lot of zeros in my life.

Zero checking account balance.

Zero sick days.

Zero dates.

Zero cookies.

You get the point. Zero is only a GOOD thing once every six months when the ophthalmologist informs me there are zero inflammatory cells in my eyes. These are good days. They are days that fill me with hope and leave me confident that my sight will stick around for the next six months.

Today I got another zero – zero beta test. Five agonizing weeks after my D&C and my HCG is finally at zero. I’m officially not pregnant.

This makes me happy as it means my body is healing. It means the burst of energy I felt during the last few days is not just a fluke. At the gym on Tuesday I increased my weights. I completed a full set of 20 pound bicep curls – the most weight I have ever curled (don’t laugh). I increased my prone leg curls. I upped my crunches. I added a 20 lb barbel to my squats. I left the gym and bicycled home. Yesterday I went to yoga and I rocked through the practice in an extremely hot studio. I am feeling BETTER. So much better that I hope that to have relations with Mr. Husband this weekend and not be overwhelmed by thoughts of dead babies.

Oh shit, dead babies. There is the catch – I’m no longer pregnant. My body may feel better but the truth remains; my baby is gone. Stripped from my uterus with the vaginal equivalent of a Hoover vacuum cleaner. Dead.

Even though this P.I.P., this Person in Progress, was doomed from the moment it fertilized, it still spent time with me. In me. And now is gone.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a very difficult concept to stomach. No matter how many bicep curls I do, how many miles I bike or how beautifully my yoga flows, my baby will not be back.

Zero.

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33 Comments

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  1. Deborah #
    June 21, 2012

    Your post expresses your feelings so well. I’m glad you are able to take care of yourself while still trying to emotionally endure. It is difficult to even think about. PIP was a part of your life, and always will be. I wish I could say time heals all, but I don’t know if I believe in this. I hope though, with time, your heart will feel some happiness when you think about the moments you experienced with PIP. I wish there was something better I could say, but I’m sure there are no words. Sending you hugs and much love, my friend.

    • June 22, 2012

      Just knowing I’m not crazy in my feelings makes me feel better!

  2. June 21, 2012

    Belle, I can hear you healing in this post. The journey may not be at its end (does it end, or change?), but you are on your way. You should be proud. Grief is a powerful thing. Thank you for sharing each step of this with us. The way that you embraced the pregnancy and the grief that followed its loss, and now your recovery has been amazing. You are one resilient lady. Don’t forget that.

    • June 22, 2012

      Thank you for the kind words. Sometimes I don’t feel very resilient, but I must be to still be trucking along!

  3. June 21, 2012

    I’m soooooo sorry Belle. I’m so sorry for all that you’ve had to go through. You are such a strong woman and you will have your take-home baby. Everything- from Mr. Husband’s new job to your BRB- is coming together for you. I’m crossing my fingers and sending you positive thoughts. And thanks for the inspiration to get my ass back to the gym. 😉 xoxo

    • June 22, 2012

      Woot woot for getting back to the gym! It’s tough to drag myself some days but always ends up being worth the hassle!

  4. June 21, 2012

    Sending hugs Belle

    • June 22, 2012

      Thank you, friend. And I am keeping you in my thoughts.

  5. Jay #
    June 21, 2012

    I felt the same way about my second one too- she had Turners, where she was missing an X (or Y) chromosome- she was doomed from the moment of conception, but it does not make the hurt go away. In the end, I’m left having regret not for the the loss itself, but for that one moment where,had one little thing gone differently and the chromosomes segregated properly, we would have healthy babies now.

    I’m glad you are hitting the gym and doing better. Each step forward is progress in a journey we do not understand at all, but one we have to take anyway.

  6. karaleen #
    June 21, 2012

    Hugs…I remember these feelings and thoughts. But I love your new leash on healthy life…all those endorphins at the gym are a great anti-depressant and feeling good about your body and reconnecting with your husband are all very good things. Hugs.
    kd

  7. June 21, 2012

    The days my betas came back at zero were the best and worst days of my life. Literally. There is such a finality in it. I’m glad that you are back to baseline, but completely understand how you can feel crushed and jubilant at the same time. I really hope you enjoy the weekend Mr. Scrambled Eggs and congratulations on the personal bests at the gym!!

    • June 22, 2012

      Honestly, I think aside from the anguish I felt after the D&C, this is the most conflicted I have felt. I’m happy and sad all at the same time. It is overwhelming and I think calls for some wine and reflection this weekend!

  8. June 21, 2012

    One. One virtual hug from a blogger who wishes she could give you a take home baby instead of just a hug…I’m thinking of you Ms. Belle! I know that me thinking about you doesn’t solve anything, but I hope that having the support of this makes having to deal with all of this craptastic crap a little bit more bearable. I will be sweating it out alongside of you, as I’m completing week 2 of “Project Insanity Workout” in which I attempt to channel my inner rage at a workout DVD program. Keep bitch slapping those barbels, lady!!

    • June 22, 2012

      I looked up that workout and was scared away! I’m actually more uncomfortable working out at home where Mr. Husband can see me than I am in the student gym with tons of super young girls and meat heads. I am looking at joining a boot camp program though… we’ll see how embarrassing that ends up being 🙂

      • June 22, 2012

        Haha! Stupid young girls who can work out for 2 minutes and bounce a quarter off their ass! All shit going on with Hubs aside, the Insanity workout has kept us bonded in a weird way. We do this crazy workout together every day, and hi five each other. We both look very idiotic, I’m certain 🙂

        • June 22, 2012

          Oh that is awesome! Who needs counseling when you have insane workout videos?!

  9. June 21, 2012

    Sounds like you are reaching a new turning point in the healing process. I’m glad about that, but hate that it still has to hurt so bad to move on without Pip. Keep busting ass at the gym… That can do nothing but good.

  10. June 21, 2012

    Zero is such a bittersweet moment. I felt the same way. Happy that it was over, devastated that my baby was gone. I’m so sorry you had to join this club Belle 😦

  11. June 21, 2012

    You have to re-start somewhere, right? I am glad your number is at zero and at minimum your energy is returning. Thinking of you.

  12. veetamia #
    June 21, 2012

    Like Deborah said, you sound like you are healing and that is absolutely wonderful. It sucks big time, though, that you had to experience this loss and heal from it, but kudos to you for being strong and looking ahead. Glad to hear you are exercising and adding weight, i love the feeling of doing that!! Keep taking care 🙂 You rock!

  13. Mel #
    June 21, 2012

    Reading your blog is really helping me. I had a missed miscarriage like you last Sept. I was 12 weeks…baby measured a week behind the whole time. We didn’t get genetic test because we figured it was just our bad luck…well I go in Monday for my second D&C another missed miscarriage at 7.5 weeks…this time I am going for the genetic testing. I like you can’t wait to feel normal again and move on past this. I totally understand you being excited for zero. Thank you for continuing to inspire us by sharing your story. You are awesome.

    • June 22, 2012

      Oh Mel, I am so sorry for your losses. I know that there are no words that will take away the hurt, but do take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to. xoxo

  14. June 21, 2012

    This post makes me incredibly sad. Zero.. neither positive, nor negative. It’s just there. That makes it hard.

  15. June 21, 2012

    I’m glad you’re feeling better physically and that your body is healing. Your spirit/soul/heart is just going to take a little longer. Sending you hugs!

  16. June 21, 2012

    I hated this milestone. It sucked much more than I imagined, even though I was expecting it and waiting for it. Maybe it will always suck. Hang in there…and keep rocking those workouts!

  17. June 22, 2012

    Like others have said you sound like a bit of healing and I like it. I hope you continue to heal, get stronger and have more energy.

  18. Mo #
    June 22, 2012

    Oh hon, I know.
    This just sucks.
    Sending you a huge hug.

    • June 22, 2012

      It is not a club I wanted to join, that’s for sure. Thanks for all your support through it. Your text messages at the beginning really kept me grounded. xoxo

  19. June 22, 2012

    What a bittersweet day 😦 I’m glad your body is healing. I hope you continue moving towards healing emotionally, too. *HUG*

  20. June 22, 2012

    I am sorry your little PIP will never come to be. You came so damn close. I am glad that physically you are feeling better and I hope that the emotional side will get easier too with time.
    By the was 20 lbs is amazing!!! At the best shape of my life I believe I was doing 25……now I am sure I could not do 10 lbs if I tried! I hang out with the 5/8s!

  21. June 22, 2012

    Zero is a number with lots of potential. Really, you can only go up from 0, right? It doesn’t make 0 suck any less though. I’m jealous of your yoga skills.

    • June 22, 2012

      You are absolutely right. I really needed to be reminded of this today. Thank you.

  22. June 28, 2012

    Belle,

    Sorry for the late response. This blog entry really grabbed at my heart. I can hear your anguish and attempts to accept what has occured. Thank you for your honesty. I am sure that there is some healing aspect of writing this down and I hope that the support you are getting is helping you get through. I hear you …. loud and clear! Just want to let you know I care. Lots of hugs, love and prayers.

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