VPLs (a.k.a. visible panty lines) ruin my morning on a regular basis. After showering, applying makeup and wrestling my hair into something sort of resembling a “style,” I toss my work clothes and underwear into a backpack, slip into gym clothes and bike to the office. Once at there I change into my “business attire.”
Great routine, right? Wrong. Too often I grab the wrong pair of underpants for the outfit and spend the rest of the day obsessing over the fact that I am wandering around with my undies clearly showing through my dress. It drives me crazy.
Before infertility I remedied this by keeping my drawers stocked with slinky thongs that are so delicate they won’t work with a specially designed “thong” panty liner. This worked great until science started mucking with my hormones. Now it seems the majority of my month is spent with something unfortunate happening down there and wearing slinky undies does not cut it.
I also find myself facing a new problem: muffin top. To be entirely fair, my muffin top is not particularly pronounced. Mr. Husband rolls his eyes every time I mention it and says what I have is hardly a muffin top, it is a vegan muffin top. You know, those sad excuses for muffins that barely crest over the top of the muffin tin and seem to weigh at least a pound each from all the wheat flour and lack of delicious fluffy things like dairy and eggs? Yeah, vegan muffin top.
Regular muffin or vegan muffin, I have started to accumulate some squish around my midsection that my current undies like to pinch. Add a pair of slightly too tight pants, or a figure skimming skirt or dress and you are left with something that is just about as annoying as VPLs. Sometimes I get a double-doozy and end up with VPLs and vegan muffin top. On these days I might as well just call it quits and go home.
Like every modern woman, I turned to the great Internet for a solution to my foundation woes. I scoured department store websites, read bulletins and picked through poorly written reviews. I found some rave reviews of panties that were $30 + a pop. Seriously? Who spends $30 on a pair of nude colored thongs?* I also found some panties that could hardly be considered panties. What’s the point? Why not just use yarn?
After great deliberation I decided to order several different styles of some Calvin Klein underwear from Bare Necessities where you can almost always score a 20% off coupon on RetailMeNot.com (for this particular purchase I had both a 20% coupon and qualified for free shipping – score!). Here were my requirements for my new undies:
- Under $10 a pair (yes, that is still a lot but a girl suffering in the wake of a miscarriage has to treat herself from time-to-time)
- Nude color choice that might sort of match my extremely pasty self
- VPL-free thongs
- VPL free regular old panties for days when things down there are just too messed up (I’m looking at you Endometrium)
- Muffin top elimination or at least minimization
Calvin Klein Naked Glamour Hipster Panty
Rating: 5 stars!
Confession: I totally bought these because of the name.
Muffin-top: Barely. The little that is there is 100% due to my addiction to vegan date bars.
Color choices: The nude is pretty close to my pasty skin, and the prints are super pretty in real life.
Notes: I never thought I would love wearing a pair of regular old panties. These are fantastic. Not so high-waisted that they peek over your jeans, not so low that they expose ass crack, they cover my rear perfectly and leave virtually no VPL. I am comfortable enough to wear them with my compression shorts when lifting weights even. Bonus: they are incredibly soft. I will be ordering more of these come payday.
Calvin Klein Seamless Bikini
Rating: 3 stars
VPL: Yes so not good with figure skimming dresses. However, they are really comfy under jeans/non-VPL revealing garments.
Pretty: Personally, I love the classic brief look of these.
Color choices: Meh, boring. The nude is a little dark for my pasty skin tone.
Notes: These are comfy undies that work great with low-cut jeans. My main complaint is that they sit REALLY low on my hips and, if not careful, will reveal ass crack in the boudoir. However, if your husband is into the sexy plumber look, these are the undies for you 🙂
Calvin Klein Second Skin Hipster Panty
Rating: 4 stars
Pretty: Um, somehow I missed that these are REALLY sheer. Mr. Husband digs them. I was a little freaked out when changing at the gym and I glanced down and was all “holy hell, there are my bits clad in sheer white panty.” Yuck. Don’t wear these to the gym.
Color choices: Meh, boring. Due to the sheerness, though, the nude really does disappear once on and works perfectly under my white linen pants.
Notes: I won’t order these again but will definitely still wear the three pair I purchased.
Calvin Klein Invisibles Thong, aka the best damned panty ever invented
Rating: 5 stars!
Pretty: Anything that does not give VPLs or muffin top is BEAUTIFUL in my opinion 🙂
Color choices: Limited, but not terrible (the acid green is gross)
Notes: Hands down the best thong I have ever worn. Completely invisible under dresses, pants and tight gym pants. Super soft. Zero muffin top. Added bonus: wide enough crotch area to accommodate a thong liner, perfect for the days you are busy shoving Endometrium up your hoo-haw. Bigger bonus: Some of the colors are on super-sale right now! I’m ordering more before I post this so you can’t snatch the last pairs of Mediums. 🙂
So there you have it, ladies, my first product review. Do you have a favorite pair of undies? If so, what makes it special. What do you look for in great undies?
*My apologies if this is you. Please understand, I have four cats to feed and have to buy hundreds of pounds of kitty litter at a time.