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Feeling like a douche bag

07/26/2012

Belle

Sorry for all the watermarks. It took a lot of effort to get my shit together and make this today. I would prefer someone not gank my hard work.

For the past few years I have used my design skills to help friend’s out with baby shower invites, birth announcements and kids birthday invitations. Usually I don’t mind spending my time and resources to help a friend plan a big event for her little one. My motto has always been that what goes around, comes around. When we get our baby I’ll have friends beating the door down to offer their creative  services. Right?

This was all fine until my baby died. In a few more weeks I would have been making invitations for my baby shower. I would have been designing art for my nursery.  I would have been toying with my birth announcement designs.

A really close friend has a two-year old and is now expecting baby No. 2. Last month she asked if I would design his 2nd birthday invitations. I think I was drinking at the time because it did not occur to me how hard this would be. I agreed and have since “forgotten” about it every weekend, every evening, every slow work day.

It is not that I don’t want to help her out, nor do I not want her kid’s birthday to be super special. Auntie Belle loves that kid so much. Of course she wants him to have another kick-ass invitation in his scrapbook.

But… I am finding it so damn hard to do anything involving other people’s children right now. It’s hard enough to be around them during parties and dinners, let alone to sit in my empty house, in the room I dub my sewing room which is really supposed to be my baby’s room, and spend my barren time designing invitations to celebrate another woman’s joy.

It sucks. It hurts. It makes me want to crawl under a rock and not come out until everyone I know is in menopause. Even worse, it makes me feel like a huge douche bag for having these thoughts. Why am I not over this yet? Why am I still so fucking angry at every pregnant belly, every child’s party, every mother and stroller?

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20 Comments

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  1. July 26, 2012

    Why? Because you’re normal and human.

    I know how crappy it is to feel this way. I give myself a thorough mental beating everyday for my feelings of anger, jealousy and bitterness. It doesn’t make the feelings go away, but at least I feel that IF hasn’t turned me into a complete monster if I can still hate feeling this way.

    You are a very good person, and it’s lovely of you to do these things for your friends. But I hope you’ll be kind to yourself if you find that it’s too hard to be involved in other people’s children’s lives right now. It won’t always be like this. You just need some time to heal and regain your strength.

  2. July 26, 2012

    Because what you have gone through is completely devastating. And what you are currently going through is more than anyone should. Seriously Belle, you are more generous, caring, positive and strong than I could be. Don’t be so hard on yourself, because you have been amazing through all of the ridiculously tough times. Xoxo

  3. July 26, 2012

    It’s really not douchey at all, what you’re describing. It seems like in general you are coping and moving on pretty well, but this task is a particular reminder of what happened, what you don’t have, and the pain you still feel. I’m surprised you even did it in the end – that shows you are still a great friend and auntie. Don’t feel hard on yourself for how painful it was to make the invites. And maybe give yourself something nice now 🙂

    • July 26, 2012

      I just gave myself chocolate 🙂 Blowing my diet… probably not the best way to make myself feel better but it was all that was available at the moment!

  4. July 26, 2012

    I don’t think that you’re doing anything wrong. In fact, if you weren’t feeling this way, then that might indicate something deeper going (repression = bad things). I think it’s okay to feel bad. It’s even okay if you had told your friend that things were hard for you and that she might need to go with the regular ones you can buy on sna.pfish or something. It’s really important that you take care of yourself… because one day you will have to do all those things for your little one, and it’s important that you be healthy and happy when he or she comes.

  5. July 26, 2012

    Belle, stop bearing yourself up. Contact your friend. Tell her you love her and her child. But tell her that this is too hard. Your baby died and you are still grieving. She may be hurt, but if she loves you she’ll understand. And even if she doesn’t you cannot do this to yourself.

    No guilt.

  6. July 26, 2012

    1. I’m not sure we ever get over it.
    2. I recently sat in my scrapbooking room making THREE separate ‘congrats on your new baby’ cards and wrapping gifts for said babies. I was thinking the same douche-bag thoughts. When is it my fucking turn?! I should be making thank you cards for my shower.
    3. Don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t be afraid to say no and set limits on what you can handle right now.
    4. Hugs. Just sending you hugs.

    • July 26, 2012

      4. Thank you. I needed that hug right now.

  7. July 26, 2012

    I’m pretty sure this is perfectly normal because, if not, then I’m a douche bag too. I’m not over it and not sure I ever will be. And it still makes me enormously sad, and mad, over the unfairness of it all. I’m thinking of you, and wishing you healing, hope, and strength. ~ hugs ~

  8. meggola #
    July 26, 2012

    Don’t be so hard on yourself! You have every right to feel how you feel. You are NOT a douche bag! It’s okay to say no to baby showers and kids birthday parties and anything else like that. You are healing and will be for a while.

    BTW – My sewing room is also the future nursery. I find it harder and harder to go in there and work with each failed cycle we’ve had. Sometimes I go in and just lay on the floor in there and mourn for the fact that it’s still just a sewing room. 😦

    Hugs.

  9. July 26, 2012

    I havent managed to get pregnant yet but I also feel so resentful sometimes around babies and pregnant woman. Its a natural response apparently and the worst part of it is the way it makes me feel about myself.I think the best thing to do now is remember your a great person and if you dont want to be around kids,then your friends should be ok with this and supportive…if not,then they probably dont get it but dont worry,we do.
    So do what makes you feel better for now…and that room will be a nursery soon enough,dont get too comfy in there.;)

  10. July 26, 2012

    Because it is really hard. You had a miscarriage, Belle. A miscarriage while also dealing with infertility, not to mention other stressful health problems. You are a survivor, but that doesn’t mean that everything that was fun before will be fun and easy now. Please be kind to yourself. It’s okay to say no. Even now, you could apologize and say that you know that you agreed to design the birthday invitations, but you’re finding that it’s too difficult for you right now and you hope she understands that you won’t be able to do it this year. **hugs**

  11. Jen #
    July 26, 2012

    Belle, step away from the invitations!

    You have every right in the world to turn down anything having to do with babies, small children and pregnant women. And your friends will understand. And it’s completely normal for you to have trouble around kids right now.

    I found myself in a similar situation back when I was first diagnosed with POF in November. I had already agreed to HOST A BABY SHOWER at my house when I was diagnosed. I called in the troops and had my sister design the invitation, a friend do all the games, and a co-worker do the food. Looking back, I probably should have just reneged on the hosting…. but it’s okay to ask for help!

    The invitation is very cute, btw. I guess if you’re gonna do something, do it well! Big hugs. And you can come out from under your rock around me ’cause I’m already in menopause!

  12. July 26, 2012

    You are not a douche bag. You are a human being. And what you’re going through is incredibly difficult. Abiding with you.

  13. July 26, 2012

    I’ve been there,and for me it was a case of “my friend is pregnant and I’m not” – not even a miscarriage. Sorry to say it Belle, but you’re totally normal 🙂
    Also, go get a massage now.Or a pedicure. Or some beer. Whatever you need to pat yourself on the back

  14. July 27, 2012

    You are sooo not the heir to the Massengill fortune. This is all normal. I’m so sorry…

  15. karaleen #
    July 27, 2012

    I think your feelings are perfectly normal. I know this anguish. I had to HOST a baby shower for a friend of mine just weeks after my miscarriage of twins. I loved this friend fiercely…but I just felt sooooo jealous and angry that it couldn’t be me. She had her first baby as an oops and then a few years later even though she was single…she wanted a sibling for her son so she ordered some sperm….had her OB send it on in and was pregnant…just like that…at 40!!!! Really? and now I am spending tons of money and putting on the fakest happy face ever to throw her an awesome shower!!!! I was really excited for this baby….she had even asked me to attend the birth….but oh it was such a double edged sword. And then….2 months later….he makes his appearance JUST after another failed fertility attempt for us. Uhg….but I wouldn’t have traded it…I love my friend and her boys and it was so awesome to be there and cut his cord….and even though it took another 8 months and 3 more failed cycles…we got our positive preg test too and I would have regretted not supporting her and being there for her. So…have your feelings…they are normal….but you are not a bad friend and you are not a douchbag….you are just a heartbroken mama. We all get it.
    kd

  16. Denise #
    July 27, 2012

    my advice- unsolicited and blunt- which reflects me, not you:

    Do NOT do any of this stuff for a while, do NOT pass go, do NOT collect $200. Your sanity and your mental health are at least as important as your friends and loved ones.
    Honestly- if they care for you, they should understand. And if they don’t- then they don’t care for you enough.

  17. July 27, 2012

    I must be a douche bag too then. You are not a DB! These feelings are totally normal. Like others have said above me, you can say no. Don’t argue, yes you can say no. Just like I did. I knew it was a bad idea for me to help with my cousin’s shower and registry so I said no. I felt horrible and guilty, but I got over that. You gotta take care of you and if your friends and family love you then they will understand.

  18. July 29, 2012

    “It makes me want to crawl under a rock and not come out until everyone I know is in menopause.” PERFECT way to word it! Girl, It’s been 19 months since our miscarriage, and I’m still angry at every pregnant belly I see – even my closest friends’. I promise that it does get easier over time, but it doesn’t go away. And it doesn’t mean that you’re a douche bag! (Though, I must admit that is my favorite insult phrase these days). There are days now that I am fine, and some days out of nowhere those would-have-been’s and it’s-not-fair’s bitch slap me right in the face. Try not to feel guilty about it, and good luck with the invitation. (I’m sure that your friend would understand if you just couldn’t do it, but I also understand the desire to not let it make you unable to participate in life.)

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