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All that is left

08/04/2012

Belle

I started progesterone yesterday morning in preparation for our upcoming cycle. The doctor asked if I needed any more medication and I laughed, saying I had just refilled everything before we had the miscarriage. I was good to go!

On the day I saw there was no heartbeat I came home. The house was still and silent as the cats enjoyed their late morning naps. In an eery calm I walked around my house, head held high, and gathered every trace of pregnancy – the boxes of medication, the new and used pregnancy tests, the sheets of instructions for the FET and then pregnancy, the huge pack of panty liners I bought to combat the gross discharge of a medicated early pregnancy, the two pathetic ultrasound photos. I shoved them all in a plastic tub and put it on an empty shelf in the basement.

It’s been there ever since. Tucked between unused camping gear and auto parts for the broken jeep in our driveway. When I go down to the basement to do laundry I never look at that wall. I never walk too close to that box. That box is dead to me.

Yesterday I had to open the box, though. I had to rummage to the bottom where the progesterone was. I had to move the manilla envelope that was supposed to contain 9 months of ultrasound photos and pregnancy documentation. I had to pull out the medicine that I would refer to as “Pip’s breakfast, lunch and dinner.” I was not expecting this to rip my heart open all over again, but it did.

All these horrible emotions I have tried to hide under diets, hair styles, sewing and fancy art for my house came racing back.

Last night I dreamt I was pregnant and didn’t know how far along I was. I started to go into labor but knew it was too soon. I was utterly alone with no husband or family. I just kept driving from hospital to hospital, unsure where to go. Then the baby stopped kicking in my womb.

This morning I feel like my baby is dead all over again and I’m not sure if I’m ok.

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19 Comments

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  1. August 4, 2012

    It’s okay to be not okay for a little while. Maybe you need a good cry? One full of sobs and release? The thing is, the passing of time will help. Moving on to this next FET with the support that you missed out on the first time will help. It won’t make the past go away, but it will make the future look better. Take care.

  2. August 4, 2012

    There is a lot of ebb and flow after a loss. Feeling okay one day, and back to square one the next. I am so glad to hear you are starting your FET cycle and will be thinking of you constantly as you start again. Big hugs.

  3. meggola #
    August 4, 2012

    I’m sorry it all came back to you. That’s one of the really mean things about dealing with a miscarriage. Just when you think you’re okay, you’re not okay and hit that brick wall all over again. It gets better and less frequent with time. I still hit the wall every once in a while, and it’s been two years. You know more and are stronger now (even if it doesn’t feel that way) and it’s good to keep moving forward, even when you don’t feel okay. Lots of hugs to you.

  4. August 4, 2012

    I do understand this so well. I still hurt and, often, I’m still not okay. I have a keepsake box from my short-lived pregnancy and I find comfort in looking at it while it simultaneously breaks my heart every time. I’m so sorry your loss is feeling raw to you all over again. I’m thinking of you. ~ hugs ~

  5. pegara #
    August 4, 2012

    I’m so sorry. Hugs

  6. August 4, 2012

    I’m so sorry, Belle. I hope with time it will get a little bit easier, but I don’t know if the pain ever completely goes away. Thinking of you as you move forward with this FET.

  7. August 4, 2012

    Its OK to not be OK. It takes time and you’re doing everything you can to move forward. Sometimes a step backward can feel painful, but its necessary to move forward cleanly. I’m sorry Ive not been commenting, but you’ve been in my thoughts and prayers. Here’s to a new beginning.

  8. August 4, 2012

    Oh, that’s just not fair. I’m so sorry.

    FETs are hard. Very hard. We’re opening ourselves to the possibility of pain. But, it can also work. And though I know that preparing unleashes so many emotions, I also know that you have the strength to do this.

    Hang in there. I’m hoping that with this new chapter comes much joy and good news.

  9. millionbabysteps #
    August 4, 2012

    I’m sorry belle :(. This sucks. I know it sounds a little crazy to say, but I truly think the only “cure” will be another pregnancy. It won’t replace what was lost, you’ll still miss Pip and what might have been, but to be growing another baby and to make it to a point where that baby is viable and you can feel him kick and live inside of you…..it will help. But the process of getting there is now even more scary and devastating and those first couple steps will remind you of Pip for sure. I hate how with IF the only solution seems to be pick up and move on. Bawl your eyes out, take your drugs and just keep moving. The good stuff is coming. Xo.

  10. August 4, 2012

    I’m sorry Belle. I can only imagine how difficult that was to open that box. Now that the box is open I hope you can eventually find peace and healing. Like others have said, it’s ok to not be ok for a bit. Take care of you and do what you need to do to grieve.

  11. August 4, 2012

    You’re okay. You’re normal. How could you have reacted any other way? Grief comes in waves… sometimes gently lapping the shore, feeling manageable, other times it crashes the shore with big, violent waves that knock us on our asses.

    Your dream is so profound and speaks so loudly about feeling lost and unsure.

    I hope with all my heart that this FET goes well and brings you your take home baby. xo

  12. Wife #
    August 4, 2012

    I’m so sorry, no one likes to get hit in the face with emotions you thought you had moved through. I hope you know it’s totally normal and okay to sit with these feelings for a while. It’s no fun but it’ll be better if you don’t hide from the pain. I’m so sorry this sucks.

  13. erika #
    August 4, 2012

    It is so hard. Hugs to you.

  14. August 5, 2012

    To begin treatment again is difficult and a huge reminder of what went wrong, it all seems so unfair to have to go through this process again. Go easy on yourself, big hugs.

  15. 35life #
    August 5, 2012

    Not sure why my first response didn’t take, but i wanted to say while I haven’t experienced a loss, I know all too well what it’s like to find all the leftover supplies and even the petri dishes that i just haven’t brought myself to throw away. I had our overflowing sharps container on the the counter for months because throwing it away felt so final to me. I’m so sorry to hear you’re having a hard time. Starting again is so emotionally difficult, but I know you will find strength. Hugs!

  16. August 5, 2012

    I’m sorry you had a hard day today but I’m glad that you’re starting your next FET. Tomorrow will be better.

  17. August 6, 2012

    Sending hugs. I had a box like that. I know exactly what you mean.

  18. August 6, 2012

    I wish I could make the pain go away. Sending you love. xoxo

  19. August 6, 2012

    HUGS. it’s okay for it to not be okay.

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