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Questioning the Meh

08/09/2012

Belle

I am feeling incredibly apathetic about this cycle. There are no obsessive paper chains counting down the days. There are no swaths of days blocked out on my calendar for this drug, that drug and the TWW. There is no giddy discussion with the Professor about our maybe baby. There is even a decline in my blogging.

I just feel so… Meh about this cycle.

What if my period does not show after 10 days of birth control? Meh, oh well.

What if I have a huge cyst or my hormone levels are way off  and I need a month of birth control pills? Meh, more wine for me.

What if something happens to my embryos during transfer? What if everything is perfect but I don’t get pregnant?  What if I lose another pregnancy?

MEH!


No infertility panic. It’s weird and, quite frankly, unsettling. I panic about everything. For example: right this moment I’m panicing about some crazy gross/raw/papery feeling I have in my throat and esophagus that is most likely thrush (thanks progesterone) and will likely require another delicious round of “Swish and Swallow.” Rather than do the sane thing and call my allergerist, I’m panicing because of the following:

  • What if the thrush spreads to my brain????
  • What if this feeling is not thrush but it instead scleroderma attacking my ability to swallow????
  • What if this means I’m going to die early and childless with brain fungus and/or scary skin????

Ridiculous. I looked into my mouth with a flashlight and saw four tiny white spots that look shockingly like the mold I have grown on top of too-old soup. Me thinks it is probably thrush so why the panic? WHY THE HELL NOT?!

Maybe I’m panicing so much about {insert anything that does not have to do with my reproductive parts here} that it is clouding my ability to panic over the upcoming cycle? Maybe this post has WAY too many question marks?

Do you see what is going on here? I think I’m channeling all my infertility panic into other, completely nonconstructive things and I’m not really sure what to do about it.

************

Today is Day 6 of a 10 day course of progesterone. I fully expect to be bleeding like a stuck pig come Wednesday next week.

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10 Comments

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  1. August 9, 2012

    Just in case: Once you stop the progesterone its taken me sometime up to 6 days before my period started so Im warning you in advance not to panic if it doesnt show up exactly 3 days after stopping. ***hugs***

  2. August 9, 2012

    I didn’t know thrush could be so serious! I’m panicking just a little bit with you. I think that you should just call the doctor so I can stop worrying 😉

    Also – I felt completely different and detached from everything after our first IVF failed. It doesn’t mean this cycle won’t work. It’s okay to feel this way…to protect yourself. Hang in there!

  3. August 9, 2012

    This is your brain protecting you. At least that’s what I think when I go through my “meh” periods. You can only obsess about one thing so much and when this one thing can be so incredibly painful, your brain protects you. I think. Good luck with the thrush and progesterone.

  4. August 9, 2012

    i did this with my second transfer too (out of 4…), I had no faith, so I didn’t care. I put nothing into it. You are protecting yourself, if it doesn’t work or you don’t get pregnant – whatever, you didn’t expect to or care anyways. It sucks to be in that place…..that said, it will be wonderful if it does work and you are in no way expecting it.

  5. August 9, 2012

    Yep, protective factor like the others said. I think you need to get out and do something fun 🙂

  6. August 9, 2012

    Thinking positively never got anyone pregnant and apathy never prevented pregnancy, so no harm in being apathetic.

  7. August 9, 2012

    Your throat problem sounds like the ulcers I get on my tonsils when I’m stressed. They start out feeling like that, then they HURT. But they’re harmless. And not herpes (bonus!). They are also common in low immune systems. I use salt water or soluble asprin gargles. And if they pain gets bad, teething gel. Good luck!

  8. August 9, 2012

    Sometimes its easier to feel nothing and protect your heart for awhile. Whatever you need to do to move forward. (I’m staying hopeful for you, though!)

  9. August 9, 2012

    After my failed fert on IVF#1 I was DEFINITELY meh. Actually, it helped to feel less for a while. It made me see that it would be okay, no matter what happened. Somehow I found it freeing. BUT, please call your doc so we can all stop freaking out about your throat. We love you!

  10. August 13, 2012

    Totally a defense mechanism! Do something for you! Get out and take pictures! We need to see more beautiful pictures!!! Please get your throat checked out. Hugz!

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