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Completely detached and looking like my brother

08/20/2012

Belle

I can’t get over how detached I am with this cycle.

Wait. Cycle? What cycle?

See, that is how detached I am. I still have not updated you on my CD3 ultrasound on Friday. I even got some astounding news and what did I do? Drove home listening to NPR and stopped at CVS for lotion. That was it.

Wandie revealed that I had ovulated at some point in the recent past. That’s right. Ovulated. Stop the presses. No one has ever been able to confirm an ovulation with me, so I just assumed my ovaries were forever broken. Seems like my low-carb/gluten-free/fun-free diet is doing something.

Unfortunately the Professor and I had sex exactly ZERO times last month. Pathetic, I know. I also had zero lining and a really absent period meaning even had we had sex and said egg fertilized it would have had no where to go.

My blood work showed the my estrogen was higher than expected so they adjusted my protocol and started me on three Vivelle patches, which I put on that (Friday) night without cleaning my belly so in the morning they were all falling off. I showered, swabbed with alcohol and then put three more on. Then proceeded to FREAK OUT because what if it is too much estrogen and I get a blood clot??? (I am aware this is stupid) So I peeled one off and just wore two. I’ll change them out for a fresh three tonight according to the protocol.

Despite not following instructions at all, I’m not the least bit worried about this cycle. My nose is producing tons of mucus and my lady bits… omg, let’s just say if I could blow them like my nose I would. Scary. And if for some reason my patch blunder cancels the cycle that is just fine.

Mr. Husband and I still are not talking about this cycle. We still are not thinking about the possibility that it might work, or might fail, or might result in another miscarriage. I went to my infertility support group yesterday and just felt like it was any other day.

Also, the hair loss continues from, I’m assuming, the miscarriage and all the hormonal craziness. Between that and all the breakage from bleaching it was looking really bad so I chopped it off this weekend and dyed it back it’s normal color. I now look like my brother, which is alarming. Maybe looking like a dude means I’ll be taken more seriously in the workplace? Nope. As soon as I walked off the elevator Coworker No. 2 said “Wow. What happened to you?!” I responded by snapping, “Gee, that was pretty rude. I had to cut if off because I am losing so much.”

If one more person makes a rude-ass comment I’ll expound upon my response and tell them it is falling out because of the dead baby. Assholes.

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24 Comments

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  1. August 20, 2012

    Who says something like that when someone has a new hair cut????? Even if it’s not flattering, most normal people are just silent about it. What the hell? 😦

    Whenever I feel like my hair cut is too short and I look like a guy (which happens sometimes, I get trigger happy at the hair salon and most stylists don’t seem to know when to quit) I end up wearing a lot of big earrings and jewelry and skirts to kind of play-down my perceived masculinity of my haircut. Like now. Except I don’t leave the house so it’s fine.

    • August 21, 2012

      Today I am sporting a fabulous fitted patterned skirt and cowl neck top. Thanks for your input! The husband appreciates it, too. Today he said, “Yay! Something other than gym clothes!” 🙂

  2. 35life #
    August 20, 2012

    Ugh! I’ve had those cycles before – totally detached. But great news about the ovulation though! And I would have totally slapped that person today. What an awful question to ask!

  3. mel #
    August 20, 2012

    It is totally understandable to be so detached after all you have been through….but good things come when we least expect it (still waiting for this to happen to me)…but I have a good feeling about this cycle for you…so keep on feeling detached 🙂

  4. Lee #
    August 20, 2012

    You are beautiful, and you definitely don’t look like a boy – short hair or not.

  5. August 20, 2012

    I know exactly how you feel. I have mentally checked out of this cycle and find myself going through the motions that I could probably do in my sleep. Somehow it feels easier to turn it off than to keep hoping. I must conserve what little emotional energy I have left. Hope things start looking up for you soon, Belle.

  6. August 20, 2012

    Congrats on ovulating!!! Checking out is good, we all do it. Short hair is awesome. I love having short hair. I’m sure you look beautiful!

  7. August 20, 2012

    Sorry to hear about the a**hold who made the rude hair comment! I am quite sure you are rockin’ the short do and look as cute as always. The cycle we were told our chances of conceiving were WAY low, when I was totally detached- was the one where we had our viable pregnancy. Just sayin’. : ) Keeping you in my thoughts this month!

  8. August 20, 2012

    Same thing happened to me with the ovulating after a miscarriage. First time in 18 months that I ovulated on my own. Who knows, MAYBE IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN, keep your eye on your CM, that’s the only way I had any idea I ovulated! And I agree with Jules it was the one cycle where I had no hope that I got pregnant.

    Good luck!

  9. August 20, 2012

    I am sure you look cute with your new do. xoxo

  10. August 20, 2012

    I am so glad you call people on it when they make rude, insensitive comments. I usually smile politely or try to defend myself all while wishing they take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.

    • August 21, 2012

      This is a new thing for me. I’m not often this confrontational but lately I’m to the point that I have just stopped caring and will tell people exactly how I feel about their advice/comments. It’s liberating but might get me punched one of these days!

  11. August 20, 2012

    There is no possible way that you aren’t rocking the new do! I don’t believe it, that rude ass person in your office is clearly mentally ill.

    Detached works, I was detached from the cycle I got my BFP… who knows. Just do whatever feels right for you right now. We’ll hold the hope for you when you can’t, xoxo

  12. August 20, 2012

    I bet your hair looks lovely. What great news about the ovulating. I think being detached is okay, it may even be necessary for your sanity!

  13. August 20, 2012

    I would have verbally punched the guy. What an incredibly rude thing to say!

    Hang in there. It’s hard to get excited about cycles, especially FETs. But we’re rooting for you!

    And that’s fantastic about ovulating!!! Go Belle!!!!

  14. August 20, 2012

    I have had a three year cycle of grow it out-cut it super short that I’ve been working since fifth grade. People will say crappy things, but I know you look great!

    I don’t know what cycle day I’m on, just that it’s too long and doesn’t matter anyway since this one didn’t work and we’re out of options for the foreseeable future. Ignore it or keep track, I’m always rooting for you.

    • August 21, 2012

      Yeah, I tend to whack my hair off every 5 years or so AND always come to the same conclusion – I look like my brother 🙂 I am inspired by Robin’s super cute do, though, and might try some messy spikey look to give me a little more edge (not likely). Or maybe I’ll just hide it under do-rags for the next 3 months (probably).

  15. August 20, 2012

    wooohooooo!!!!!!! YOU OVULATED! that is so exciting! and I completely understand the detachment thing. it’s completely understandable and you will feel something when you’re ready to. I’m really hoping it’s “ecstatic” because you’ve gotten really good news. xoxo and I’m still crossing my fingers for you!
    ps- i would have freaked out that i’ll die of a blood clot, not just worried about having one. 😉

    • August 21, 2012

      Lol! I’m glad I’m not alone in my freaking out over medication side effects. It has gotten so bad lately that I actually emailed a counselor this morning and hope to get a little therapy. This Belle needs to chill the hell out 🙂

  16. August 20, 2012

    I would suggest telling you co-workers to flat out fuck off. One of mine gets on my nerves by saying things jokey. When I told her to fuck off in a jokey way (I was serious) she shut up for a while. I actually did it when she was with the boss (and I’m not really that vulgar generally) which made her really think I was joking. Ha. The jokes on her.

  17. KYCammy #
    August 20, 2012

    Having seen you yesterday, I feel I can say with confidence that your hair was rocking!! You should have no worries in the hair department. Good luck this month!

    • August 21, 2012

      Oh thanks Camille! Good luck to you, too! Please shoot me an email when your “pee on a stick” date rolls around. I’ll be cheering you on!

  18. August 21, 2012

    I think slapping these rude people should be allowed. I am so sick of people who are basically strangers thinking they can comment where they like just because of some tenuous link to me (they work with me or know me from some gathering etc).Bunch of buttheads!

    That said…one bad days I would probably get arrested for provoking slapfests!hehehe

  19. August 22, 2012

    That is so rude! What is wring with people? I bet the haircut looks great!
    “My nose is producing tons of mucus and my lady bits… omg, let’s just say if I could blow them like my nose I would.”
    That had me laughing so hard I almost peed my pants!

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