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Transfer scheduled

09/04/2012

Belle

Dr. B’s clinic called this morning with my transfer time – 11 a.m. tomorrow morning.

I talked to the Professor yesterday to see if he would be able to come and he gave a very curt “I can’t come. I’ll think about you.” It left me in a foul mood the entire day. I understand that he has a “real” job now and that sometimes he may not be able to make my zillions of appointments. That said, I know he has flexibility to find someone to cover his classes for him. The fact that he didn’t even try to find a substitute or at the very least be loving in his response really hurts.

So tomorrow morning I’ll drive myself the 90 minutes to the clinic, let them stuff an embryo in me (assuming one survives the thaw) and then drive another 90 minutes home. The nurse at the clinic seemed horrified that the Professor would not be coming with me. Then she asked if I would be bringing a girlfriend and I felt like a total loser when I said no, it would just be me. Of my handful of girlfriends here, none are close enough to request they take a day off work to drive me to have another maybe baby shoved up my ute. I have a few friends in the area who do not work during the day but I don’t really know how to ask them.

“Hey, so you know how sometimes I’m fat and full of pimples and really really bitchy? That’s cause I’m doing IVF… You want to drive me to Ohio tomorrow and hold my hand while I get an embryo put into my ute?”

I just don’t think that will go over well.

So I’ll do it on my own. Like I did my pregnancy. Like I did the day I saw my dead baby. Like I did the bulk of my life before and now after marriage.

Anyone else do an out-of-town transfer on their own? Any tips for what I can do afterwards to take care of myself during the drive back? Any lurker in Lexington want to take a stranger to Ohio tomorrow? Sigh. I sure as hell hope this is not indicative of what parenting will be like.

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38 Comments

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  1. September 4, 2012

    I’m sorry you won’t have the support of Mr. Husband, or even company during your transfer. I know you can do it on your own, but it sucks that you have to.

    Is there any chance you can make a day of it? Can you go up early and take yourself to a nice breakfast? Maybe do something special for yourself after? You deserve a treat!

  2. September 4, 2012

    Oh man if I was there, or even somewhat near I would drive you. I’m so sorry you have to do this on your own. I know our emotions are so heightened when all of this is going on. I know as a woman we also feel like we do most of the work to make this happen. You are trooper Belle and you are going to be fine, and be strong. That’s what we’re best at, holding our heads high. On another note I’m so excited for you!!! This is your time, and I hope and cross everything I have that this transfer works for you!!!

  3. September 4, 2012

    Oh man if I was there, or even somewhat near I would drive you. I\’m so sorry you have to do this on your own. I know our emotions are so heightened when all of this is going on. I know as a woman we also feel like we do most of the work to make this happen. You are trooper Belle and you are going to be fine, and be strong. That\’s what we\’re best at, holding our heads high. On another note I\’m so excited for you!!! This is your time, and I hope and cross everything I have that this transfer works for you!!!

  4. millionbabysteps #
    September 4, 2012

    Oh belle, I’m sorry :(. I’m sorry the professor isn’t being more supportive. Wtf? I’m sure he is protecting himself too – only he’s doing a really really shitty job of taking care of you. I’m sure he’s just as worried as you, only this is his way of dealing with it. By avoiding it. ….ugh. Definitely doesnt give him a free pass though – your ute, your turn to stress. I wish I lived nearby, would totally drive you. Keep us posted, we will root you on, and on the plus side….TRANFER TOMORROW! I hope upon hope that this gives you your take home baby. Chances are good. Ute is perfect, embabies are great quality, you got pregnant before, and I am SURE that trisonomy 15 doesn’t strike twice in a batch of embryos. Keeping everything crossed for you. Good luck.

  5. 35life #
    September 4, 2012

    Aww I so wish I lived in the part of Ohio you are traveling to. I’d be there! Fingers crossed tomorrow!!

  6. September 4, 2012

    Ugh. I’m so sorry you’re not getting the support you need at this critical time. You’re a strong woman and I know you can do it on your own — you just shouldn’t have to. I hope it helps, maybe even in the tiniest way, to know that there are so many of us in the blogosphere who will be with you in spirit. Wishing you the very best!

  7. September 4, 2012

    Damnit. Belle, I’m so tempted to drop everything and fly out to help you. You should not be doing this alone and I’m so sorry you are. Is there anyway you can spend the night in Cincinnati? Make it something of a getaway? Because the less driving you have to do, the better. Thinking of you.

  8. September 4, 2012

    “I can’t come. I’ll think about you.”???? I’m sorry, I didn’t know attending embryo transfer was optional. That’s really shitty behaviour, even if he is just trying to protect himself. You are a more tolerant woman than I, for putting up with that crap. He needs a reality check.

    Wishing you all the best for tomorrow… and wishing you didn’t have to go it alone.

  9. veetamia #
    September 4, 2012

    Transfer already?!? Belle it’s going to go great!!! I’m sending you lots of love and positive vibes all the way from Hamburg. I’m sorry your huz doesn’t seem to be supportive (or rather isn’t); I hope he gets some bravery sometime soon b/c you deserve to have your hand held throughout the transfer and everything that will come later. Hope you feel all of our support when you are there tomorrow.

  10. September 4, 2012

    Oh Belle, I really wish I didn’t live in California! I’m so sorry you have to go by yourself. Hell, I’m almost tempted to fly out there now. If you can, the idea to make it a solo day trip sounds great. I love you and this is definitely something to discuss with the counselor. Your hubby should have at least tried to be there. Hugs sweetie!

  11. September 4, 2012

    I agree. It sucks that he can’t attend, and the delivery/tone of his response sucks even more. Sometimes men can be clueless to how hurtful their neutrality can be. Show a little emotion once in a while, for the love of Pete.
    Anyways, best of luck, I will be hoping and crossing fingers, toes and anything else I can think of for you.

  12. September 4, 2012

    wishing you tons of luck!!! I know lots of patients of Br. B and they all rave about him…you are in good hands

  13. September 4, 2012

    I’m also in the camp of not realizing that attending the transfer was optional! If you weren’t doing IVF, but were having a baby the “regular” way, certainly attending the conception is not optional (at least, if he wants to be the biological father, anyway!). Oh well, I guess. I wonder why he was so short with you about it. I’m sorry you’re left in the dark about this, and have to drive yourself there and back. Is there anywhere on the way back you could stop for a massage or manicure or something else really nice for yourself? Maybe even just go to a nice hair salon and get your hair washed and head massaged (I’ve kind of always wanted to do that, just go in and be like, can I just have my hair washed and head massaged for 20min please? thanks!). That is definitely what I would do, ESPECIALLY because you are doing it alone!

  14. September 4, 2012

    So sorry to hear you are having to do this on your own, and that you aren’t feeling supported by your husband. I like the suggestions of treating yourself after the transfer- you could even go so far as to research affordable hotels near the transfer site and just check in and indulge/pamper yourself ALL day! Movies and reading & ordering in, maybe a massage? I am wondering if your husband is emotionally protecting himself (he may not even be aware that he is doing this). After our miscarriage, it took my husband a LONG time to get on board officially with our current pregnancy- he was oh so guarded for oh so long- hurt my heart but I did the best I could to understand. That being said your husband’s curt-ness and your feeling like he isn’t being sensitive about everything sucks. Try to stay focused on the event that is occurring tomorrow- this is an amazing day you have been waiting for for a long time, and I am sending big virtual hugs your way!

  15. September 4, 2012

    I am SO wishing I lived near you right now so I could come with you and hold your hand. I’m sorry your husbands attitude upset you, men never seem to get the importance of moments like this and how hard it can be emotionally. I’ll be thinking about you all day and wishing you and your lovely embryo lots of luck!

  16. September 4, 2012

    How exciting that your transfer is so soon! I’m bummed that you have to do it alone…If I lived near you, I, too would offer to come with you. But Florida and Ohio are in opposite directions of Kentucky. You are in my thoughts. xo

  17. D #
    September 4, 2012

    I am so sorry that you have to go alone. It is so hard that as women we have to do a lot of these things alone. I am sure that you know that in spirit you will have a bunch of ladies there with you the whole time. If we could physically make the trip, I think we would all rent a big bus and go with you. Seriously. 🙂 I am so excited for your transfer!! I am hoping and praying that everything goes great. Best of luck to you! I’ll be thinking about you tomorrow!

  18. September 4, 2012

    I’ll be thinking about you tomorrow, so sorry you have to go alone. It doesn’t seem right to me and I wish Mr. Husband could have at least tried to make it work. Doing a transfer after loss is very emotional but also gives new hope. I agree with the above, give yourself some kind of treat. A nice lunch or something that pampers you a bit.

  19. September 4, 2012

    I’m sorry your husband isn’t being more supportive. If I could be with you, I would. Can you tell him how important this is to you? I think you should express your disappointment – it may give him the chance to redeem himself.

  20. September 4, 2012

    That is really disappointing and something I had to deal with as well, though for IUIs which are so not as difficult as transfers. Once I told my husband that it was difficult for me to do alone, he came to every one after that. Maybe it will be the same for you?

  21. Jen #
    September 4, 2012

    Belle, I’m so sorry the Professor isn’t being more loving and supportive when you need it most! If your transfer were today instead of tomorrow, I would be there in a SECOND to go with you and hold your hand through the whole thing. That being said, if you need a Cincinnati place to chill, you are welcome to chill on the couch at my house and watch cable or netflix or whatever so you don’t have to get on the road for an hour and a half immediately post transfer. You have my e-mail address, just let me know if you are interested. I’m serious! According to Google maps, I live 20 minutes from your RE’s office.

    Best of luck tomorrow. If I hadn’t already taken today off for my IUI and didn’t have a big program tomorrow, I’d take off and be there with you!

  22. Juno #
    September 4, 2012

    Omg! It’s already transfer time. I will think of you All day tomorrow. As for the professor , Wow. What’s his deal? He hasn’t been supportive at all lately. He has no clue that each time he turns a cold shoulder or dismisses you, that he’s causing resentment and anger to build. I haven’t done ivf, but even going alone for the IUI’s was sad. I did it because I had to but I guarantee you my husband was in a tizzy about it. Sure, life isn’t perfect and there are obligations but his utter lack of regret etc is unacceptable. Its obvious that the professor loves you very much but his husband report card is getting f’s lately. I am sure he is protecting himself but I hope he feels like. Real jerk tinitriw while you take this burden on your shoulders. I’d let him know that total strangers on a blog ate supporting you in his absence. Maybe your baby needs two moms 🙂 I’m volunteering. Hmphh.

  23. September 4, 2012

    I haven’t left a comment on your blog yet, but I’ve been reading for a little while (Read the whole thing from the beginning, actually. Is that weird? I really like your blog!) Anyway, I’m really sorry you have to go to the transfer all by yourself. It doesn’t seem right. But I hope that everything works out…sounds like you have a nice cushy lining built up, I hope that emby makes itself nice and cozy and that you have a happy and healthy pregnancy just ahead of you!

    • September 7, 2012

      Not weird at all 🙂 I have blogs that I follow like some people follow soaps! Thanks for de-lurking!

  24. September 4, 2012

    Yuck, aren’t Hubbys insensitive sometimes? I had to do 2 of my IUIs solo and you’re right, makes you feel like a total loser for not having anyone to bring with you! Those nurses should really take a class in “how to not make your hormone-pumped patients feel like more crap then they already do!” Good luck tomorrow 🙂

  25. September 4, 2012

    I hope you find someone to go along. I’ve done 11 transfers out of town and always fly there alone, go to the clinic alone, go back to the hotel alone, fly back home alone. Alone. Alone. I can’t really afford the extra expense (and asking 11 different times for someone to hold my hand).

    I can’t recall if all the other people having transfers on the same day as me have had people with them, but I do recall a few ladies at retrievals that had husbands pick them up afterward. That always seemed a little sad to me.

    I’ve come to enjoy going back to the hotel and relaxing alone post transfer. How often can you spend a good chunk of the day laying on a bed and watching TV?

    Good luck.

  26. September 4, 2012

    I wish I lived near you 😦 Good Luck Tomorrow!!!!! Mommas got to do what a mommas got to do!

  27. September 5, 2012

    Oh man, that blows – but good luck! You’ll not be completely on your own – you’ll have your embryo with you… I know that’s probably not terribly reassuring but I hope it’s not too traumatic and all goes smoothly.

  28. September 5, 2012

    I hate that Mr. Husband can’t go with you, but sometimes there is something nice about solitude for big moments like this. You can react exactly how you want, without having to worry about seeming overly excited or too sad. think of that 180 minutes as Belle-Is-Gonna-Do-What-She-Wants time.

    I hope it goes well. I’ll be thinking of you.

  29. September 5, 2012

    Man I would absolutely go with you if I lived closer. Hubby will be here for my retrieval, but I, too will be going to the transfer on my own. I say find somewhere nice to drive to afterwards and treat yourself to something – ice cream, a dress, whatever. Wallets make nice companions 🙂

  30. September 5, 2012

    Aw, Belle. Damn the fact I live in LA right now! I would have been there in a second. As a woman married to a professor myself, I have been learning quite a bit about these strange and elusive creatures. Sometimes, professors can be very good at matters of the mind: logic, analysis, mathematics, etc…and really shitty with matters of the heart: hand holding during a transfer, for example. I’m not excusing this behavior, but I do notice that these heart/head issues surface more for us when there is something really really emotionally scary/painful for us to deal with. I get very heart-heavy (duh! This shit’s scary!), needing reassurance and a “Paul Rudd” type who will be hilariously adorable, sensitive, and drop everything for me. Hubs experiences anxiety and immediately defects into head mode, turning more “Rain Man” or “Beautiful Mind”. On the positive side of all of this, you can now feel free to blast whatever the hell music you want on the car ride to the transfer, luxuriate with a leisurely pamper afterwards, and really just relax and be in the moment before, during, and after. I am thinking of you and little Frostie baby today. xoxoxoxo

  31. September 5, 2012

    I’m late to the game here and I’m sure you’ve already left by now (or had your transfer), but I wanted to let you know that I’m sending you all the good vibes I have in me today. It stinks that your husband isn’t there with you and I know that nothing can make up for that, but I hope it helps to know that you have all of these wonderful ladies there with you in spirit. We’re all pulling for you and your embies.

    I hope you take the advice given in the comments and do something nice for yourself after your transfer. Take extra special care of yourself. You deserve it, lady!

    *hugs*

  32. Amanda #
    September 5, 2012

    Good luck today! Can’t wait to hear about your day!

  33. Mel #
    September 5, 2012

    Good Luck today!!!! I will be thinking about you and your little embryo. I am sorry you will be alone..but on the way back home you will have a little embryo to keep you company. Crank some good tunes and sing out loud on the way back home…

  34. jak #
    September 5, 2012

    it’s about 10:45 am……… almost transfer time!!!!

    hope your bladder is exactly as full as it needs to be, but no more full than that, that you are relaxed and had a nice morning, and that your frostie(s?) look great and are ready to get out of the cell culture room and settle into belle’s belly!!

    thinking of you…….

  35. September 5, 2012

    Good luck today! I hope that your husband was a little more supportive this morning!!

  36. September 5, 2012

    Augh, sometimes men can be so insensitive. I hope you have a talk with him so he realizes you’re in this together!

  37. September 6, 2012

    Well,small comfort but you are not really alone..you have all the people who follow your blog rooting for you. Its so sad that the Professor cant be with you,its not something you should be doing alone.
    Have you thought about maybe getting a room and staying over for the night? That way you dont have to drive straight after?

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