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Warm fuzzy, quiet eyes and a plan



Y’all, thank you for all the good thoughts/vibes/prayers yesterday! I felt every single one of them and they filled me with warm fuzzies as the doctor poked around my eyes and grunted (why do they grunt? Can’t they tell me what they are seeing? I don’t speak medical grunt).

Thankfully, my eyes are quiet (“quiet” means without inflammation), although my pressures were a tad elevated. I’m pretty sure the elevated pressure is from my rapidly dropping hormones after stopping the injections and patches, though. I’m all clear for another FET.

I had a long talk with the Professor last night and again this morning. We made a new plan for both my ocular treatment and our infertility treatment.

First, I will be shopping for a new eye specialist. The guy I see now is a douche. Lately I don’t even see the specialist, I see a second year resident with no specialized uveitis training who is an even larger douche. I just don’t feel that my condition is being properly monitored considering what is at stake – my vision. I just have this feeling that I need someone watching me carefully and who I trust will speak up when it is time for me to stop in order to prevent blindness.

Living child free is hard enough. Being blind while doing it would be a nightmare.

I also had a WTF (technically means Why The Fail, but I prefer What The Fuck!) talk with Dr. B yesterday via telephone. I love this doctor. He makes me feel so at ease when we talk and I truly believe he has my best interest at heart. Absolutely worth the drive and money. We discussed the probability that all my embryos are bad. He said that based on how my stims went, there is a chance. That said, he believes that the number and quality of embryos we had means there is at least one good one and encourages one more FET. I mentioned possibly transferring two next cycle (gasp, I know…) and he said that yes, based on the past failures he would also agree with two.

We talked about how we will proceed if the next FET also fails. There are some changes he would make in my protocol to help us get better egg quality and a more traditional stim response. He would start me on Metformin and a low carb/slow carb diet for several months prior to a fresh cycle. He would also change my medications. He still feels confident we will get pregnant.

Over dinner last night the Professor and I discussed all of this. We agreed on two embryos for the next FET (that will be sometime in October/November). If that fails, we will take the holidays off and start on Metformin and the diet. In January I have my next rheumatology appointment (ugh) and if all is still clear we will do one last Hail Mary fresh cycle. If my rheumatologist or my “hopefully” new Ocular Immunologist says it’s time to stop, then we’ll stop in January.

No matter what, though, May 2013 is the end – whether there are frozen embryos left or not. We’ll be moving wherever the Professor finds a job shortly after that.

{SHAMELESS EMPLOYMENT WHORING: Any leads on jobs for math professors where any of y’all are???}

The move will be our opportunity to start a new life – either with or without a family. We discussed adoption again and finally put that on the table as something to look into should May 2013 arrive and there is still no baby or viable pregnancy. Or we’ll leave behind our three bedroom house, Ikea furniture and sensible car and start fresh – loft, great non slip-covered couches and our consolation car.

I feel good with these plans. I feel good knowing that we have a concrete end in sight. I feel that the universe has aligned in such a way that it is providing this move next spring/summer as a way for us to start fresh. How many couples get this chance? Not many.



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  1. Wife #
    September 21, 2012

    I just love this post and I’m not sure what about it makes me love it so much but you feel free in this post and that warms my heart.

  2. September 21, 2012

    Yay! Great news about your eyes!

    Your plan sounds like a good one. Although none of us really wants to plan for “what if it doesn’t happen?” it at least gives us some sense of closure and control over our futures. It’s a talk I need to have with my husband…soon.

    • September 21, 2012

      It’s a hard conversation to have, for sure, and one that goes better over dinner so there are required pauses to chew, swallow and think. That said, it is important. Having a plan during infertility gives us a tiny shred of control over something we really have no control over.

  3. September 21, 2012

    I also really like this post and that you have a plan for where you are heading and for how long. Even though it can change for some reason it gives a sense of control, rather than it controls you to go on and on if that makes sense. I very much relate and there have been similar conversations in our house lately. Sans the move that is. Sounds like it could be an adventure.

  4. September 21, 2012

    I’m glad you both have a plan you feel comfortable with. But, here’s hoping you wont’ need it!

  5. September 21, 2012

    Quiet is good. Plans are good. But I have to offer math professor jobs to my sister first…

    This post feels like mine the other day about our plan, just relief to have an actual *plan*, to know what comes next and have the option to not worry about, although we all know how well not worrying works out in practice.

  6. September 21, 2012

    Being prepared is always nice. It’s the little control we have in this whole process. But fingers are crossed that Plan C will be unneeded!

  7. ivfmale #
    September 21, 2012

    Glad to hear your eyes are better. Interesting news about your embryos. I’m hoping our Doctor sees something he can do better next time.

  8. September 21, 2012

    I hope that your plan for May 2013 will not have to be put into play, but I agree that a chance of starting over is something one is lucky to have. And having a plan during the horribleness that is infertility gives you some control and an end date, which I think is very helpful, since we don’t tend to have any of that in an area we always thought we would.

  9. September 21, 2012

    Your plans sound solid. I love that you were able to talk with your docs and the hubs and have some semblance of control over the next steps. I am SO hopeful for you that the second FET is the one and that your eyes continue to get better…and STAY that way! Good luck on your eye doctor search and I’ll continue to keep praying for ya!

  10. Denise #
    September 21, 2012

    i’m curious why it was gasp-inducing to put in 2 embryos? is that a self-imposed limit, or you dr… or…?
    Wondering if it’s you or state by state thing- since just about everyone I know in my infertility circle (80+ women) put in 2 (some 3, when they were 40+ with several failures under their belts.)

  11. Lisa @ hapahopes #
    September 21, 2012

    Glad to hear about your plan. Sounds well thought out and you sound so very comfortable with it. I’m super happy to hear about your eyes, though! Cool beans! Of course “Oh my word! You’re cured!” would always be a better thing to hear. 🙂

  12. September 25, 2012

    This is the university I attended and they have three assistant professor positions in Mathematics open. I loved it there and had a great college experience:

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